Will I ever be able to overcome the pain from my husband having an affair?

Question

The day after our 5year wedding anniversay i discover the evidence of his affair. With a so called best friend. They both claim it was for only 6 month's. He then says he wants me and our family but then i find proof that he is still emailing her and wanting to "be" with her. So I have asked him to move out. Finally after talking he admits it has been going on for 15 month's! I have always suspected this and have asked more times than i care to count. And always he said they were just friends. There stories always matched and made sense. I feel so stupid. I feel so numb and in shock. We were high school sweet hearts. We have been friends for 18 years! Together for 13 and marriage for 5. Will this pain end. Can we ever work past it and come out better on the other side. Any advice from anyone who has been through similar. And why do i still love him and not hate him?

Answer 1

You still love him because you spent so many years with him. You hate him because he has hurt you and so did your best friend. I'm so sorry to hear this. The pain will go away but it may take a really long time. Took me a year to get over my ex and we were only together 5 years!! Must be very hard on you but after you've had a few cries and a few little moments of anger you will pull out a better person. A few minor trust issues but you'll be ok. You will go through the feelings of wanting him back and missing him like crazy. You will go through the feelings of lonliness too but stick by your friends and they will help you out. I'm sorry to hear of all this. I feel real bad for you. Chin up....not all guys are jerks and not all so called best freinds will stab you in the back. Sending you a hug.....

Answer 2

Go off and have your own 15 month affair. It will make you feel much more equal and if you like the person you have an affair with you can always leave your husband for him. Tell your husband in advance that you are doing it and that it's only fair and point out that if he ever does it again so will you. Your husband wants the best of both worlds but it will tear him apart the same as he has done to you if you do it.

Answer 3

Is he still cheating? If so, you are wasting your time. He knows that he can cross that line with you and still coming running back to your bed. This in the end will destroy you as you will need to compromise any dignity and integrity he has left you with. If he says that he's not anymore, then you need to decide whether or not you believe him. If you don't, then you will never be able to get past the terrible memories and the pain. If you do believe him or you know you can't live without him, then you need to take a deep breath, take your husband in your arms and tell him that you love him and that you trust that his infidelity is in the past. That you no longer want to discuss it or be reminded of the other individual involved. Your new life will start tomorrow. It will still take time for you, but if you feel this man and your relationship is worth another go, then you can't keep brewing over it, because in the end, you relationship will end anyway and all you'll have left is another few months of fighting and heartache. Why do you still love him? because the cheating dirty dog has taken up 18 years of memories for you, that's hard to let go of. The worse part of it all, is that that pain is going to take probably just as long to recover from sadly. I personally thinks it's worth it. He lied not once, but twice.

Answer 4

I am so sorry that he has done this to you. I have also been with my husband a long time and I would be very upset if I were you. You still love him because of the history that you have together. I think that you did the right thing by having him move out. The fact that he has repeatedly lied to you makes this worse. If he was honest in the beginning and stopped it then and there I would be more apt to give him another chance. It will take time to get over him but you need to move on. This man had no regard for your feelings and is a liar and a cheat you can do better. Good luck.

Answer 5

It's hard to overcome this kind of emotional distress. Been there and experienced it myself. I put up with this type of situation for 8 years. We tried counseling everything under the sun but still she continued having her affairs.

Once you finally get a gut full of being treated this way, you will finally wake up and realize it's time to seek greener pastures.

I divorced my wife and the moment i signed those papers and filed. I felt the whole world had been lifted from my shoulders.

Any marriage can be saved, but it takes a great deal of effort on the part of both parties to do it, and it's a daily effort, even sometimes hourly effort to work on the marriage so that it becomes a success.

Answer 6

Sounds like you hate loving him and for good reason. The pain of what he has done will never go away and why should it. In my opinion if he had come to you and admitted his indiscretions then there is hope or salvation to a certain degree for your pain. The fact that you discovered this lie makes it impossible to dismiss. How long would this have gone on for? How long has it really been going on? What does she have that you don't? Your capacity to love him will always be hesitant toward him and what he is doing. It's a hell of a thing. It's hard to throw away 13 years of your life. Unfortunately there is no manual for this.
I have never been able to sustain a relationship of value when the trust is broken. Hopefully you and him will salvage your love. I for one think you are better people than I if you can.

Answer 7

I will give you two answers about working past this... Though I have not been in your situation, I know many women who have and I will tell you what they told me...

The first will be my religious answer... Through the love of God, you can over come anything.

The second will be the answer that seemed to work the best for my friends... but it is not the best answer (it is wrong in my personal opinion) and it could really ruin your marriage...

You should think about having an affair yourself.

That sounds bad, but I guess it has something to do with revenge and payback... like you both are now on equal footing. So since you two are equal, you can start over, a fresh start, both having to forgive each other for something.

I don't know, like I said, I'm against adultry, but my friends tell me this works.

However! Note... I don't think you're suppose to tell him you did it. I think your suppose to have the affair and keep it to yourself. It is like your own personal piece of mind.

It don't make sense, I know, but there it is...

Personally... I would have to go with divorce. It hurts... it sucks... but that's what I would do.

Best Wishes...
T.

Answer 8

You have already begun working though this. The two of you are talking and he is opening up to you. Your pain will always be there but not to the degree it is now. This man, your best friend, your husband lied and was unfaithful, that hurts and hurts deep. So just take one day at a time. you will find some peace and will heal. You don't hate him, because what you felt for him was real, you know you did nothing to cause this, therefore you feel no blame. We only hate someone, because we blame our self's or they try to blame us.

Answer 9

No you will never be able to get over the pain knowing the one that you love and the one that you trusted committed the ultimate sin, you should throw him out and tell him now he can be with his mistress full time because you don't need him, and file for a divorce , and the healing will start as long as you are with him you will never be able to forget what he has done you can find someone else, and move on with your life..

Answer 10

You still love him, because you have been with him for such a long time. It would be so hard for you to split up with him. Have you had children with him? If you have, then try a marriage councilor, and find new ways for him and you to get along, such as join a tennis club together, or go on holiday. If you didn't have children, then still go to the councilor, but if this makes you more angry then just get rid of him. If he had an affair with someone else then he must not be a very decent person. While you get over the pain of getting rid of him, move in with a girlfriend, or join a club with her. Go out in the evenings, and in the day go to the park. Look out for your Mr Right, hes out there for you honey.