What is wrong with my wife and sex? Should i leave her? or an affair?

Question

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. 2 boys 4yrs & 2 Yrs old. She is a stay home mom. I'm self employed and work full time. I help around the house hoping this will get her to want sex more. Clean,cook, bath the kids, Bring the kids to school so she can sleep in. ect. She still never wants to have sex. We average about 1-2 month with no emotion. Doing it to keep me quiet about it. My sex drive is much higher then hers. I talked to her about this and she promises to change but never does. I've told her i would like her to try for 1 week. The problem is that she never shows an effort to care for my needs. She says she loves me and I lover her but my needs are not being met. Sex is important to me and she knows it. We have tried counsling but she refused to go back when the subject of having sex was brought up. I'm thinking of asking for a divorce but It hurts. Maybe an affair to satify my needs? I dont want to hurt her but i feel she hates me? What to do?

She does say she hates the way she looks. In reality she looks great, she is sexy and after 2 children she is very hot.

Ive talked about her enjoying it and she says that she does and she dosent want me to change anything. I give lots of oral and she never returns the favor. She won't try toys or anything risky. She is pretty reserved when it comes to sex.

I've suggested that she go back to work for her own good but she would not consider it. She says she cant leave our children with a stranger.

I give compliments everyday, tell her she is hot and sexy, I tell her i love her, I buy her gifts and flowers. Nothing seems to work. I've aksed her to go to the doc btu she wont. She says there is nothing wrong with her and suggest i should go to the doctor becuse i want sex to much is 1 time a week too much?

The problem has been over a year and i feel my self getting angry about it. I feel she dosent love me but is using me because she has no one to supoport her. I dont want to be made a fool when she meets someone esle or decides to leave and i supported her for years. How long is a fair time to wait for her to change?

The 2 children were planned. Actually we had to have invetro to get preg. So i dont think she is affraid of getting preg.

Answer 1

If sex is more important to you than your marriage, ask her once more to go to counseling and if she refuses, ask for a divorce. Do not have an affair.

Answer 2

A few things comes to mind here, may she is depressed and dose need a little help see if she'll go to talk to a doctor.

May she needs some more in her life then staying home all the time taking care of the two kids, your self employed do you work from home? May be you can stay with the kids a few days a week and work at the sometime? I know this would add more work for you buts all for the woman you love, and then may your wife could get a part time job a few days a week out side of the house and that would boost sex drive and her life drive at the sometime.

I would try everything be going outside of the marriage for sex or leaving her when maybe all she next is same help and she doesn’t know how to ask for it.

Man up and help you and your family

Good luck take care of your family

Answer 3

I love the answers from the women above. Of course you must be doing something wrong. The truth is many many men are in this exact situation. Women are just wired different than men.
You almost have nothing to lose by cheating. If you are caught you are ready to leave anyway and this could get you through until the kids are out of the house when you can leave her.
I would honestly go with a pro to meet your needs. No woman will want only a sexual relationship with a married man. She may say it is ok at first but that will not last. Also remember,

Never ever get married again. You have much more control of your life and happyness if you are not married. Only family life is improved (kids) in a marraige. You already have kids so dont do that again.

You wife is likely suffering from depression of some kind but if she will not face it there is nothing you can do but leave cheat or be miserable.

Answer 4

Did I miss the part in the marriage vows where you promise to have sex every night? Sex is important in a relationship, but you have two small children for goodness sake. It is incredibly selfish of you to even think about divorce or an affair, which would lead to divorce, over something such as lack of sex. Many, many, many women lose their libido, especially after childbirth. If she is taking birth control that can also be a contributing factor. I know I was on one that shut me down completely. The next month I went on something else and I was back to my randy self. You say you help around the house and that is good, but you are supposed to help around the house. It isn't a special favor that will make her feel special. You also say you give lots of oral, but that isn't foreplay. Try complimenting her randomly. When she is making dinner pinch her butt or caress her back. Give her a random caress during the evening or a nice kiss. Bring home an unexpected gift. This can be something incredibly small if you know she'll love it. One of the best gifts I received was an unexpected jar of popping kernels. Sounds odd, I know, but it was the right gift for me and you can bet I thanked my husband. Your wife could also be depressed or she may have been repressed. Many people are taught that masturbation is bad and that a vagina should never be touched. This can wreck havoc with a women since most cannot orgasm unless they are stimulating the clitoris. Talk to your doctor, talk to her doctor, talk to a therapist or your religious official. There are many different recourses other than divorce. You took a vow to stay through good and bad, sickness and health. You're in the bad/sick phase, but it will get better, provided you don't throw it all away.

Answer 5

There are issues here maybe mentally,(self esteem) and physically (hormones). Also the fact that she is sexually sheltered. Please if u love her then work on this together. Tell her everything that u told us. Sometimes women find it hard to seperate being a stay at home mom cause our job never ends. Kids are always there and can wake up sick at anytime. She may be able to work her issues out with ur love and support, she may need a counselor for her alone. But just try all it takes to help her get thru this, (use ur hand for now) and see where it goes. If she refuses ur help or to get help then tell her that u will go cause u want a relationship that each person gives their all.

I wish u both the best of luck.

She has to be the one to find and address the problem within herself. If she is unwilling than maaybe its best to tell her u cant sit by and wait and because she refuses to get help ur going to have to leave her before u are tempted t cheat.
GOOD LUCK

Answer 6

Well, honey it seems to me that she is afraid of having sex with you because she always getting pregnant. Her body needs time to adjust. I know i had several children 6 to be exact. I did not want to think about sex. Be patient the drive will come back. In the mean time try to be more romantic, make her feel the way you both did before you all start having children. Don't have a affair that never solves anything, it will only make things worse. Remember you vowels for better,for worse. Hang in there my Friend, when the drive comes back you will be over whelmed, you'll be telling her, Honey I have a headache lol.

Answer 7

Mr. Lostone,
I know that its always hard for a man not to have sex,esp. if your desire is a bit more active than your wife. But you must look at this way, the two of you love each others but have you ever thought that maybe not physically but mentally is going on with your wife?? Women who had children do have this postpartum affect, and it does not show the sign of it. But to be blunt, if you are thinking to have an affair because of just sex,it will be wrong for you and unfair to her. Adultery is the worst step that a man/woman can do while their still married. I could see that you are a strong man and very much organize when it comes to your family, do sit with your wife again and tell her that it is getting harder not to have contact with her, tell her that you missed her touch,her affection for you and it's making you think of doing something that you rather not do. Do tell her that you've been thinking of looking for someone that will meet your needs in bed, but you rather be with her. And if this words of incouragement don't work, then ask her if she still loves you trully or theres nothing there for the two of you...
Do everything first before you make the biggest mistakes that you and your young children will regret later.............goodluck to you!!

Answer 8

My advice. Love is the name .... Sex is the gam...
If i were in your place i would have also reacted the same way.
But try to understand her needs. Was she like this from day-1 of your marriage or is it a recent change. If its a recent one then something is seriously wrong. Women cannot leave without sex.

If its a recent one try taking a break. Send your kids to your relatives place and both of you should go on a romantic drive. Try going to the same place where you went for hoenymoon. Mayb past memories can revoke her thoughts and love for u. If soemthing is there bothering her, she might speak out the same as well.

Breaking a relationship or cheating on her is a very bad idea. Think twice you have 2 kids.

Best of luck. If u need more help write to me.

Answer 9

Ok...

This is a common problem I have heard from many men.

Could she be depressed? If so, this is probably due to a chemical imbalance, and only a doctor can help her. Is she willing to go talk to her doctor (like her OB/GYN) about her low sex drive?

Or... try reversing the situations... People always want what they can't have. So make yourself sexually unavailable to her. You will have to suffer for a while too (don't cheat- just suffer), but it might work. Next time she's in the mood, tell her you're not. Do this for a while until she starts wanting you more....

Not to sound forward, but you could also try using a... um... 'massager' to get her... um... 'motivated'. Do you know what I mean?

I wish you the best of luck....
T.

Answer 10

Make an appointment with a doctor and both of you go to that appointment. She's more than likely short on one or more body chemicals/hormones and just needs a prescription that will restore the imbalance. I'm not talking mental issues here, it's a physical thing.

Above all don't cheat, you don't want to lower yourself to that level, once her hormones are restored to proper levels, she'll more than likely be jumping your bones all the time as if like when you were newlyweds.

This happened to one of my significant others and man she was hotter than a firecracker and still is once she got that problem fixed. All she has to do is take a pill a day to keep things at proper levels.

Answer 11

When a woman feels unsexy it is hard to have sex and be into it. I am a stay at home mom with two kids and I love my family but I get lonely and depressed easily, so if you want to perk things up try to find a friend who can watch your children and take her out! Don't just take her to dinner take her to do something that is off the wall and fun like roller skating or mini golf. tell her you think she is sexy and show it by having fun with her, hold her while watching tv after the kids are in bed. Kids can drain you lots of work you often get lost in them and forget to nurture the marriage.