how can i help my 16 year old pregnant daugter get a grip?

Question

she is 14 weeks pregnant and yes i am standing by her the baby is ill with bowels out side the tummy . the baby is going to be operated on as soon as it is born most likely at 35 weeks if she gets to that stage.she is not eating properly she still smokes and we have only just got her back to school which is only for 2 hours a day. the school is fab bending over backwards to help.my husband would be over the moon if i let him throw her out and we are just so unhappy over al this we always seem to be arguing and im just fed up with beeing in the middle. the father is 18 and is allways in trouble with the police he is still waiting for charges of 2 counts of asault and another for carring a knife . she has been in trouble for similar stuff but has been ok for the last 4 months.they have no money no out look no plans nothing what the hell am i going to do any one got any idea

my husband is her step dad her real dad is a git he once offed her 25 pounds to get out of his life for ever. she is not allowed any money at all and she is not allowed in the house smoking as none of my family smoke and it stinks as we tell he every time , we do not live in the uk we live in germany as my husband is in the forces . my daughter has a social worker ,health visitor a one on one teacher , i am sick of trying to play happy familys maybe i should listen to the people that say throw her out, it would sove everything except my guilt.

she is 16 and she is at school we live in germany and jobs are few even though i work . she has the choice to get rid or keep the baby no presure althrough i was pointing towards getting rid.

if she gos back to uk she will be put into a b&b and she is not allowed to get a flat as she is not old enough to enter into a contract for rent untill she is 18

Answer 1

Two scientific facts first:

1. Teenage brains (the prefrontal cortex) are not mature until early- to mid- twenties, and as a result they see things differently and don't think the way a mature person does.

2. Men are biologically hard-wired (as are male animals) so that being very nurturing to someone else's child does not come naturally to them and is sometimes difficult for them.

So you are dealing with two challenging scientific realities.

If you daughter has been in trouble and hangs out with questionable people the only good influence on her, and the only one who may still be able to at least get through to her a little, is probably you. If you put her out she'll only have outsiders trying influence her, or else she'll be completely alone with a baby that has that awful medical condition.

If you are to have any chance of helping guide her to being responsible and ok the only way you can get that chance just may be to hang in there. Since you've got a little help from the medical people and the school chances are as the needs of your daughter, her baby, and your family change there will be some help.

I think - in order to keep some peace in the home - you and your husband need to agree that he will back off your daughter altogether and leave her problems to you and her. If you can get your daughter to back off your husband, and tell her he'll leave her alone too, that would help too. I think you need to tell them both that you cannot be in the middle, so you will deal with each of them separately; but they are not to deal with each other at all (other than saying "hi" or sitting and having a polite dinner as a family).

She is your daughter, not his. He is your husband, not hers. If it were possible to tell them each to stay separate and just talk about non-explosive matters it would give the two of them to have some non-explosive talk and peace between them.

If you and your daughter could agree for now not to talk about the things that get a fight going between you you and she could maybe have some non-conflict talk between you as well.

I know this isn't "honest communication", but it isn't usually possible to strengthen a family if everyone just keeps being "honest" and fighting and growing farther and farther apart. If you all agree to keep the "button-pushing" topics out of conversation you will at least have a civil situation and some casual talk.

I'm not saying don't talk about serious things like the baby. I just mean the things that get you fighting.

If you could say to both of them, "Look. This is a really difficult time, and we can't be having fighting right now. Its not good for anyone, and since I need the energy to be able to be supportive once the baby is born I can't be having the life sucked out of me now because you people won't just leave one another alone."

Don't look at "the rest of all time". Just look at "until the baby is born and has surgery". If you could look at the next few months as a time for everyone to kind of stay in his own corner and only come out for a polite dinner the next few months could actually begin a rebuilding process for all of you.

Don't think about "playing happy family". Acknowledge to yourself and others (even the professionals who come to help) that this is an extremely difficult time for you all and that the serious situation with your daughter is putting a strain on your marriage. Families are not always happy. They can, though, be smart and strong and find ways to have a "truce" and give themselves time to rest from conflict and start to see one another in a different light.

I think everyone would be better off if your daughter had nothing to do with the father of the baby (other than maybe letting him see it on a very limited basis if all goes well with the surgery).

Money-wise, people usually find a way. If the baby is ok maybe your daughter could team up with another single mother and share care while the other works or goes to school. Maybe there is some kind of assistance from the government or local churches. Is there any kind of assistance for the mother of a child who has medical issues?

Sometimes when we don't have immediate solutions to problems we have to just find the things we can do to make the existing situation better, and in time, as things unfold, the answer to what we will do reveals itself.

Answer 2

if she came bk to the UK she would not b put in a B&B, but with a foster family, which harsh as i will now sound, would be more supportive than u. do u not think that she's terrorfied of becoming a mother at 16? she's 14 weeks...course she's not eating properly, she's prob still puking up at any given time, i'm 28 weeks and only just stopped. i assume she smoked b4 she fell pregnant? well, did u kno that the government only recomend u stop smoking completly in pregnancy if you smoked less than 20 a day? cutting them out completly could result in serious harm to the mother AND baby. cold turkey is not a good idea with any drug.
i don't blaim her for not wanting to go to school for more than a few hours. kids are cruel, and prob calling her every name under the sun cuz she's pregnant. tell ur husband u r not going 2 abandon ur daughter, n there 4 fighting over it will not solve anything, if he really cared he'd understand that u want to stand by her.
like i said i'm 28 weeks gone, i (now) have no home (partner left me), no job (self employed n the work ran dry) and as thus no plans for the future, it doesn't mean its the end of the world. and did u ever think that things have been alright for the last 4 months cuz she kno's shes got 2 b in a more stable position 4 her baby? and just cuz the fathers a lazy no good bastard, why would that affect the way u care 4 ur daughter or grand daughter?


oh n btw, most baby's have their intestine outside. i did, managed 2 stay inside me mum for 41 weeks until me twin decided that enuf was enuf n wanted 2 go exploring! lol.

anywayz, maybe u suld move away from the area you're in. im sure ur hubby culd get a transfere if he REALLY needed to? and its kinda sound like the only reason ur miserable is cuz ur fighting wiv ur man all the time abt u not wantin 2 kick her out (good 4 u btw) and the fact that u prob made it clear u wanted her 2 hav an abortion which she clearly didn't want.
remember when u were pregnant? how did u feel? now remember when u were 16? n add ALLLLLLLLLLL them confused thoughts together n BAMB! u have ur poor daughter! dnt get me wrong i think she's daft getting pregnant so young, but at least she has the guts to live up to what she's done and not just take the easy way out. oh, and ur daughter IS old enuf 2 get a council place...it was lowered to 16 from 18 not so very long ago.

Answer 3

firstly I think that as a family you need to see a counsellor to give you all the support and help that is needed. As hard as it is you need to stick by your daughter, I am sure that underneath she is a nice girl. If you throw your daughterout, you not only turning your back on her but your turning your back on your grandchild who is already unwell. As far as school is concerned see if they can put your daughter intouch with someone who can help her plan her future, an educational psychologist maybe an option for you. Talk to your doctor about extra support from the health visitor and midwife for your daughter, attend your daughters hospital and scan appointment with her so she feels like she has support. If your daugher doesnt want to have the baby then you may need to discuss whats better for the child whether it be abortion or adoption however both these options could likey have an effect on your daughter but this baby is an innocent life and doesnt deserve to be brought into the world if there is no one wanting him or her.
You say that she smokes so how does she get the money for this? If you give her money then stop doing that as she is clearly only spending the money on cigarettes. I am unsure about how the benefit system works over in germany but you maybe able to get a maternity grant for the baby once your daughter is 29weeks. In scotland the amount given is £500. As for the babies dad I really think that for now your daughter needs to stay away from him, if you or your daughter feel that he is a danger to both her and the baby thensee the police or a lawyer about a restraining order or something similiar. There is no easy solution to this but your daughter and the unborn baby are the most important people in the situation. good luck

Answer 4

wow, what a difficult situation! The baby is going to have a LOT of problems growing up!! It is already sick, and with her still smoking she is going to make it so much worse. I don't think she even cares for it if she can still smoke knowing there is a tiny little life growing inside of her. i do see where you are standing by her, but i would suggest abortion (assuming your not against it) or adoption to a family that can financially support a baby that is going to have a difficult life in and out of hospitals for at least the first year. plus with her smoking it will probably have asthma, and other diseases. Try to knock some sense into her what she is doing... let her know you are by her, but do not help her pay anything. Just a normal birth ranges in the thousands of dollars, and with an operation right at birth assuming it even lives that long is going to be way more. Plus seeing that the father is not going to be around much as he'll probably end up in jail again, can she handle a very sick baby that cries ALL THE TIME alone? Let her know you are not going to help her raise it and she can't throw the baby on you and your husband when she decides after all she doesn't want to be a mother. it's hard to be a young mother and way harder to be a young mother to a child with handicaps. I strongly suggest abortion or adoption... she IS NOT fit to be a mother. Don't condone her in what she did and her actions. don't allow her to smoke anywhere near your house, or you are telling her it's ok to smoke while being pregnant. stand by her and her decisions in the end, but if you care at all for the baby you'll set some stricter guidelines and just tell her how things are!! get in her head the reality of what it's going to be like AFTER she gives birth! good luck and I hope for the baby's sake she get's a grip.

Answer 5

You can take her to "Birthright" which has counseling for pregnant women and they have so many financial resources and can help her get many baby items at no cost. Personally I think she ought to get her GED and then after the baby is born attend community college to start her degree in some field. Also even though she is a teen mom there would be no crime in throwing her a baby shower . She has already become pregnant so that aside...she needs to know its ok to feel a little happiness in regards to a new baby coming. I realize the baby is sick but all would run more smoothly if she was just allowed to focus on her new responsibilities without feeling like she is an embarrassment or a disappointment because frankly whats done is done and its far too late to complain now. About your husband....he has a right to be upset but as he is her parent he can share some blame in the fact. About the babies father ..there is nothing you can do because its your daughters choice but make it very clear that "he" will be helping out or staying out.

Answer 6

If your in trouble and no one can help, and if you can find them call the A team.You do not come to sites like this asking questions that only you and your family can sort out,next thing you will be on the Jeremy Kyle show, get tough and sort your daughter out, how and why did you let it get this far, the baby is the most important thing in this mess, and tell your husband to get a bankbone he only wants to throw her out because he cannot be bothered probably were it all stems from. I am sorry If I sound hard but the only person I feel sorry for is the baby.Good luck. And do not listen to the bleeding hearts brigade with there romantic storys of love there is no time for romance just real love. listen to you asked below me we have 6 children between us 2 with special needs.

Answer 7

Sounds like history is repeating itself. Her biological father, did your mother get on with him? At one time you thought he was the bees knees just like your daughter thinks the father of her baby is. What made you change your mind and grow up?
Asking your pregnant daughter to leave would just be the icing on the cake. Your daughter is crying out for attention - WHY?! Perhaps she's used to it being just you and her and found it quite hard when your new husband came on the scene. Perhaps she thought her family didnt love her and wanted to create her own family that did love her. She then seeked comfort in an idiot and hey-presto pregnant CHILD - your CHILD.
She is your creation. Everything she is, is what you created - accidently or on purpose.
Tell her you love her, and nothing she does is going to change that. She's frightened because of what's about to happen but wants to act like she isnt because she's got to be a grown up.
Your job as a mother is to educate and love your child so that they can stand on their own two feet when they're an adult.
She's a child, she's your responsibility so therefore so is her offspring. Think of it as a fresh start, perhaps you can bring your grandchild up a little better than you did your daughter.
If I was her mum - I would be so proud of her, she's created a beautiful baby. Knowing all the things that are about to happen (birth, child's illness, lack of support) she's made the right decision in not killing an inocent child.
Stop dissing her, encourage her.

Answer 8

You know, at some point, she's really screwed up and has to take the fall before you can help her stand up.

If the baby is going to need surgery, s/he is innocent and you should cover as much of the surgery as you can. After that, tell her that unless she gets back to school or at least gets a GED, she's out.

There's probably a place for teens with major issues to go. See if you can set her up with a minimum-wage job. But in the end, there are some problems you can't fix and you're only going to hurt yourself more by keeping her around.

Answer 9

I am sorry to say this, but I think you may need to tell her to move out. She needs to start thinking about her baby, and she isn't going to do that if you are doing it for her. Don't kick her out onto the street, take her to your local housing authority and help her get her own accommodation. Help her to become independent, and remember that she is more likely to be grateful if you help her to achieve this. Let her know that you are there for her and that this is just a different kind of support rather than just doing everything for her. Also, don't give her any money, as this is the worst thing you can do. Help her get her own place and then leave her to it. If she needs furniture and you want to help give her the furniture not a cheque, she needs to learn to budget, this might stop her smoking when it is either fags or food. Good Luck.

Answer 10

She needs to become responsible for her actions. Do not throw her out however do not allow her to run all over you. She is 16 years old and you did not mention if she is working or not. If she is not how is she buying the cigarettes? Do not give her money. Provide the things that she needs and no extras. I hope that the baby will be fine and I hope that your family will make it through this trying time. Good Luck.

Answer 11

sounds like shes having a tough time and there are deeper problems than what you can see on the surface. Maybe you need to get her referred to a councellor for advice - some times teenagers need to talk to other people apart from their parents. Its good you are standing by her, but be prepared for the arguements with your partner which may drive you both apart.
I take it they want to keep the baby and the thought of adoption isnt an option? Are you planning on taking care of the baby?
Have a chat with the school and see what they can advise, the fact they are so willing to help is a good sign and you should get support from them.