Do you think kids put a lot of stress on marriage or spoil the fun?

Question

As I plan 2 get married, I am scared of the part when the kids start arriving, because I have seen a lot of marriages turn sour at the arrival of the kids and according to my research, most men start to cheat the moment the kids start arriving. What do u think?

Answer 1

Its totally to do with the attitude of the parents. If you think kids are going to spoil the relationship with your husband, then its probably better not to have kids straight away. Kids are an absolute joy and should bring a couple closer together. When your husband is present at the birth of his child he will see you in a total different light. He will love you more than you could ever believe...it is a very special moment between the mother and the father. I think where relationships fall down is when one party want to do the raising and leave the other parent out. If you have a good attitude....both of you, raising children will be one of the most satisfying things you have ever done in your life.....for both of you, not just one of the parents.

What you do need to do, however, is to make time for each other on a weekly basis.....dont ignore your husband for the sake of the baby/children. Children are pretty self absorbed creatures...they want what they want, when they want. You have to give them boundaries and make them realise that you and your husband need "special time" together, and if they are raised that way, then they will think its normal, but you need to do it in the early stages or children will, if you let them, take up all your time. They will not be disadvantaged if you get a relative or a trusted friend to look after them at least once a week. If you love your children, then they will know it and you wont have to spend every waking moment catering to their needs. I suggest before you get married you should talk to your fiance about what his ideas are about children. He needs to know where you stand on the children issue too. You both need to be united and have a similar idea on how to raise your children. Do not fight over the children because children have a way of manipulating situations and a lot of time they will play one parent against the other. That is where you and your husband need to be "tight". Kids grow up and leave the nest and if you havent nurtured the relationship and only nutured the kids, you will find when they do grow up and leave, you and your husband will have drifted apart. Children can cement a good relationship.....or they can destroy it. Only your attitude can determine whether it will cement your relationship or not. I dont think men cheat the moment the kids start arriving, and the ones who do, probably are not getting their needs met and the children have become the number one focus in the wives lives and he feels totally neglected. There has to be a balance, as well as respecting each other. There will be days when you are so tired that all you want to do is sleep for a week...your husband has to understand that, but if he is a decent type of a guy, he will take equal responsibility in the raising of the children. No parent should be more important than the other one.

Dont get paranoid, talk to your guy about both of your expectations when kids come along. As a matter of fact it is a very sensible thing to do and maybe if more couples discussed this before they got married they wouldnt have the problems a lot of other people have had.

Good luck, love your husband, respect him, communicate with him about everything, from the weather to your deepest darkest feelings....Let him be your love, your lover, your best friend, your confidante and then you will find that when the children start arriving you will have built a very solid foundation to riase your children in a happy and loving home.

Answer 2

Whoa! you do plan ahead don't you.

Firstly I would enjoy your marriage for at least 2 years before deciding to have children, unless of course you are getting married because you want children. During your time together you will understand each others needs a little better. It is quite strange how marriage alone changes things.

Once you BOTH decide to have children you will be in a state of mind that this is what you want for the rest of your life. Once the baby arrives you will have at least 8-9 months of being completely knackered, and when people are tired they seem to be less tolerant of the other person, so it is to be expected that you may both snipe at each other. But it will be all worth the sleepless nights when you both have your special moments with your child and watch them grow. As far as the generalised comment that most fathers would have an affair, I believe that this has nothing to do with having children. I believe that most men use that as an excuse. At the end of the day if a man is willing to have an affair then he would have thought about doing it time and time again before getting married.

Every relationship is different and what you two have together nobody will fully understand. Only you know whether your fella would go down the path of adultery.

Answer 3

Life puts a lot of stress on a marriage.

I waited to have my son until we were married for 6 years. I was ready at that point for the extra burdens that come with a child. Unfortunately, my (would become Ex) husband was still playing at life.

He never cheated on me. He just stayed in the bars. So, I could pay a sitter so I could spend more money in the bar, take the baby with us to the bar (wonderful as that's sounds!) or stay home with the baby and wait for the Drunk to come home!

My Hubby (we only been married for 4 years) and I talk that we would have made beautiful babies but we are too old (45 & 49) to consider the idea. Who wants to be parents while people your own age are Grandparents?

Where am I going with this babble?

You and your Hubby have to decide when (or if) the time is right. When you think your ready, babysit for someone. Preferable several kids, young and for the whole weekend. You will get a real world concept of what it's like having kids.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

I don't think kids cause marital problems. A lot of people change when they have kids and put the kids first above their marriage. That is the problem. The best thing you can do for your kids is to have a solid marriage. I happen to think it is important to have some time just learning to navigate marriage with your spouse and creating a strong relationship there before you add kids into the mix. I don't think men cheat b/c they suddenly have children. I think men cheat b/c a lot of women suddenly ignore them and dedicate all of their time to the baby. Is it right? No - to both. Obviously having a child is a blessing and they are helpless little people and are totally dependent on their parents so I'm not suggesting that you neglect them! But you still have to make time for each other. Make sure you have a solid foundation before you start to build!

Answer 5

Hang on, babe. You are PLANNING to get married and you are already looking forward to the kids, the affairs and the breakup? What about the mortgage, the senility the incontinence and the dementia? Don't go into a marriage looking for problems, please. Certainly the arrival of children puts a new dimension on a relationship, but it should be a challenge that enhances the love bond. There are practical issues, far more likely than extra-marital affairs. Post-natal depression ruined my marriage. We did not make time for us as a couple after the children arrived. Love the kids, but don't forget that you love your partner. We became a parenting team rather than a married couple so, share the work, share the joy, and share each other.

Answer 6

"I'm honestly not worried about the kid's safety." Maybe you should be. If he falls off your fence and gets hurt, likely the family will sue you....and with a kid that young, a judge could go either way. Is there any way you can attach a wire baffle or spikes or something to the top of the fence, so he can't get up there? You might phone the Humane Society and ask what can be done. It would help if you have a short video of the brat teasing your dogs, so you can prove your case. I don't know if they'd send someone out to at least talk to the family, but worth a try. I don't know if this story will help, but I'll tell it anyway: years ago I caught a boy sitting in MY tree teasing MY dogs who were on the other side of the fence. I dashed out and caught the kid, and at first I was angry (naturally), but then he said that all he really wanted to do was play with the dogs. So...I took him at his word and invited him into the back yard. He was actually quite good with my dogs, and returned 2 or 3 times over the next couple of weeks to knock politely on the door to ask if he could play with the dogs again. Of course, I stayed outside with them to supervise. Never saw the kid again after that.... So try thinking outside the box and maybe you can figure out a solution. Consider that this *might* be a case of a boy who is crying out for attention and guidance that he doesn't get at home, and taking his frustration out on your poor dogs. Maybe, just maybe, you can get through to him. If you can, you not only solve your problem, but perhaps make a big difference in the boy's life. Poor kid obviously has dolts for parents.... Anyway, best of luck.

Answer 7

I don't believe that it is the kids that put stress on a marriage, it's the couple that are in the marriage that do that to each other.
Before you consider having children, make sure the other knows what is expected of them. More so nowadays the responsibility is shared but not always the case.
If a man (or women) is going to cheat in a relationship then they will regardless of the timing. The kids cannot take responsibility for that.

Answer 8

Kids do not spoil the marriage. You first have to discuss every part of having children from who will get up in the middle of the night to what way you will discipline your teenager. Make sure you talk about money and child care options before the children arrive also. But the most important thing is do not neglegt each others needs because of the children, stay friends, talk to each other and no matter how tired you get find plenty of time for sex and one on one time with your spouse.

Answer 9

It all depends on how many you plan on having and your living and economic situation. Many women certainly suffer from depression after having babies, but that can be treated with anti-depressants and lasts for only a while. If your children are unruly that can cause problems a far as taking up all your and your partners "alone" time, in that case you should learn better discipline. Another problem I can think of is if you don't agree on how to raise your children (religion, discipline styles etc.) ..this is a very important one and should be talked about with a potential mate long before you get engaged or married. Now as far as the cheating goes there is NO excuse for this, a man that TRULY loves you unconditionally would never cheat on you. I wouldn't worry about children being the problem in a marriage if I were you, because almost all studies suggest the main cause of marital strain and divorce is centered around money. Good Luck!

Answer 10

You have some good concerns and some you don't need to worry on. Men don't cheat because they have kids. They cheat because they become non-priorities for their wives upon the arrival of the children and feel lonesome and undesireable. Plus, if the wife goes completely to hell and doesn't even try to to regain her figure, well, it doesn't help.

Babies do not spoil the fun, but yes, I would say they do put considerable stress on a marriage. How you deal with that stress will determine the course of the marriage thereafter. See, when you have kids, you exchange the intimacy of couplehood for the fulfillment of family. That has to be a priority for you, what your heart desires. But if you covet your spouse and do not wish to be second banana to your offspring and do not wish to share their attention, do yourself a favor and do not have children. But you know, nothing in the world is better than seeing my two boys hugging eachother watching cartoons on Saturday mornings. No, it doesn't spoil the fun at all.