Been married 7 months and feeling resentful. I came with a clean slate and in a good financial position. His financial position not as strong and has a child. I made it possible to buy the home we have. The child's mother wants more money from us. She's not working and feels because we have more should pay. I am angry because I feel I worked hard for where I got in my life just because she sees us as better off shouldn't mean that we should have to pay more of the bills. I am angry and resentful over this. I feel powerless about my financial situation because it's now tied to my husbands. I wish I never married him for this reason. I am tired of paying for a kid I have no connection with. Wish I had a clue about this before I was married. I felt alright getting married with the situation the way it was but now I'm worried. I don't like feeling like someone has power over my money. I don't want to start a family with him because I dont' want to be trapped.
2007-02-13 15:35:19 · 32 answers · asked by Violet 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You got married for better or worse. It'll get better, but it will take time.
2007-02-13 15:40:32 · answer #1 · answered by Hello Goodbye 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well in all fairness you did or should of "had a clue". It is very hard getting involved with someone who has a kid already, you should have thought deeply about what life would be like taking care of another woman's child financially. You may not have realized that you would be contributing to his child but you are. I am in the same position. It's hard sometimes, but that's what I got myself into. BUT I'm NOT going to take it out on my husband. I knew he had a child and no matter what, as long as I am with him, part of my money will go to his child. That's the way it is.
You shouldn't be resentful to your husband for this reason. You are the one that by saying "I do" accepted all his debts as your own,and all your debts became his. Maybe you should have thought about this a little harder. As far as being "trapped" .... marriage should be view as a life long thing in the first place, it doesn't become an entrapment just because kids are born, it already is a bond that should last "til death". Maybe some marriage counseling would help you.
2007-02-13 15:50:41 · answer #2 · answered by LiL' Momma 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should have known that if you marry someone with a child, you marry the child as well. I have a 5 year old and the man I married 5 months ago is an amazing step dad. His real father is a piece of...well you know...and it's great to know that he treats him as his own, financially and emotionally. He's been a part of his life for 2 years now and although it wasn't always easy we took it day by day and with us respecting each other it is GREAT! But, it does take alot of work and respect of the part of both!
As for her wanting more $$, she can only file for support against his wages not yours in NY, I don't know for other states.
Bottom line, you knew the child situation fromthe beginning and it sounds to me like you aren't willing to accept ALL of him. You married him for better or for worse. Unless you are being abused or taken advantage of you need to come to terms and either lovbe this man or walk.
Just know if you walk, the wake you wil leave in lives. Not just his but his childs and everyone elses it effects. My divorce was the most horrible thing in my life I ever went through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone! Don't think it will be easy...
2007-02-20 08:34:55 · answer #3 · answered by tracy042972 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Many years ago, I married a man with 3 children. At first we paid child support (which was computed by his, and only his, income). I knew of all his bills, and of his child support. I read his divorce papers, just to be sure what his responsibilities were. I didn't go in to this marriage with a blindfold on, I knew everything. A few years into our marriage, my husband was granted full custody of his children.....I also knew this was going to be a possibility. It never once bothered me or made me resentful, as I loved my husband and I loved his kids, and we were in this marriage TOGETHER. It's not the children's fault that they have such a dead beat mother. Yes you worked hard for your money, we all do. You should have done your homework. How could you NOT know?? If sharing your income with the man you love is too much for you to handle, I suggest you hire a lawyer and see what your options are. I also suggest you tell your husband that you want to keep your accounts separate and not share your income, and also that you don't want anything to do with the "kid you have no connection with". Maybe he's the one who needs to re-think this marriage.
2007-02-13 16:40:24 · answer #4 · answered by ksgirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Being married means not being SELFISH.
So now you have a delimia, you put on rose colored glasses until you got through your wedding and now you act like you didn't know he had child and vandicive ex wife. That's what you bought.
I don't know what other things you overlooked so I can't speak as to what type of man you have. But my wife did the same thing you did and we've been together 15 years with an vandictive ex. Money out the A** for court cases and child visitation, offered up two college educations, and got our teeth kicked in when they got done. Was it fair to my wife. No. Does it piss her off. Yes. Are we a team that always tries to do the right thing. Always. Did she ever second guess her decision, probably. Did she ever not step up to her responsibilities. Never -- not a selfish bone in her for doing the right thing. But that is the only requirement to be happily married. You cannot be selfish or the marriage loses. Everyone gets a bur don to carry in life. Some parents have children with sever physical and mental problems. Some of choose to take on second hand children. Now you are looking to make them third hand children because you are acting like a selfish one.
Get the point. If you have a good man you have some comitments to live up to here. If you are not going to step up and do the right thing get out now. Your not worth it.
2007-02-13 15:51:46 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Violet- sadly it sounds like you should have never gotten married. It also sounds like you married for all the WRONG reasons, and worldly and money issues should be far behind in the list of things between you and your husband.
It also sounds like you did not have harmony and a good level of communication in place nor sounds like you are practicing such. Once you got maried, what you both have and had as far as money and property should have become a unified and joint shared dynamic of the marriage. It sounds like you put your success and money before your heart and the institution of marriage.
If you have the feelings you have now, and it seems that there is obvious love lacking, I would get an Annulment and not a Divorce. You don't have that much time married to want it to be of record.
You obviously sound like you did not consider many areas of what being married would entail, and to be blunt; it sounds like you have quite a bit to learn and things to consider before ever entertaining getting married again.
Even the statement by you that you would feel trapped if you had a child with your Husband is a clear indication of lack of sound love and the true dynamics and foundation for a good marriage.
Yes,........I would end it if I were you. It sounds like you need to enjoy your single life and move forward before you ever consider entering into the bounds of matrimony.
Hopefully you will realize that money woes and concerns are the worst thing to be dictating how you feel in a marriage. One can have a fulfilling relationship and remain single and autonomous without marriage. This seems like the best path to follow given what you have shared.
When I hear the quip, "Married for all the wrong reasons", it seems that your situation fits it to the "T". I'd get out and save myself and your husband and all involved heartaches before you regret more and allow more time to be vested. It seems you have a lot to learn and consider and seems that you may have rushed into a marriage you were not prepared to commit to.
2007-02-13 16:03:58 · answer #6 · answered by The Sylvan Wizard 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OMG! I swear I am going through the same thing. And I always feel like I be damn If I go to work and work hard every day to have to pay for some kid that I have nothing to do with. And the mom is just sitting on her *** collecting welfare. I know how you feel, and this same exact situation just hit me this month! I was with him for 4 years, we just married 3 months ago, and now that we are married all this stuff is coming up and I am just as responsible as he is for what ever debt he has/will occur for the kid. It really sucks, especially because if I would have known this before I would have never married him. But we live and we learn. Take it as a lesson learned. and although I have no conclusion, I figured you would feel better just knowing that you are not the only on going through this EXACT situation. Stay strong.
2007-02-13 15:47:31 · answer #7 · answered by BE HAPPY! 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I FEEL FO YOU - man, half the answers here are scolding you for resenting the fact that you are paying for a child that you have no contact with.
Options: Contact a lawyer. Ask what happens to your financial situation when you marry, as support (child/spousal) is based on HIS income...unless you have a joint account and he is seen as having more.
That said, he should be providing for his child as much as he can and he is obviously better off financially with you there. Its a shame that support can't be based on the contingent that the ex only gets money when she gets off her backside and works.
Most solicitors will give you a 1/2 hour free consultation. Its worth looking into
2007-02-19 04:27:01 · answer #8 · answered by Slimslimmer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you love him when you married him, and are you feeling resentment now because of his financial situation? If you still love him, go see a lawyer and see what they can do. I can see why you feel the way you do, you shouldn't have to pay for all of that. If you don't love him, then get out, but be prepared to split everything with him unless you had a pre-nup. Sorry your going threw this, and good luck!
2007-02-13 15:42:52 · answer #9 · answered by Suzie- Q 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's sad that you're feeling the way you do. Dont you know that when you marry a man, you marry his whole family and problems too? I wonder why you married him in the first place? No use regretting now. If you really cannot stand being in this position, then make it clear to him and pack your bags before things get any more tangled than it already has.
2007-02-13 15:42:00 · answer #10 · answered by snoringcouchprincess 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Throw the money out of this equasion. Only look at your husband . Remenber the way you feel about him . Remember your vow. Research the very word vow. Know that the youth of offspring passes with the blink of an eye . Your efforts as father and "step mom" will reward you 100 fold. I believe that the very reason that we take a vow of marrage is because sometimes that is all we have to hold onto. The way we are as emotional beings is so limited if we only trust our present feelings and not the vows he took with you.
2007-02-13 15:45:56 · answer #11 · answered by Darren B 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋