My husband of 10 years is bi-polar. He is a recoverying alohoilc and crack addict. He says he was self medicating while doing drugs. He is now smoking weed again and doesnt think its a problem. I am very unhappy and do not want to be in this relationship. We have 5 children together who are just as miserable putting up with him.. but if I leave I know he will not take care of himself so would leaving be selfish? Help
2007-02-13 15:34:43 · 23 answers · asked by jesika1132 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he has been in rehab and doesnt believe in AA. He has told me he won't go back to rehab. Also he is on probation and has to random drug test..so now I am waiting for hime to violate and get put in jail
2007-02-13 16:10:37 · update #1
Putting you and your children first is not being selfish. Your husband is the selfish one.
2007-02-13 15:37:48 · answer #1 · answered by Hello Goodbye 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
PLEASE PLEASE listen to me. My husband of 24 years was also bipolar. An excellent, intuitive and adored English intructor, he had been depressed for about 6 months when I noticed he was suddenly on his way back up. Not manic, mind you, but rather hypomanic and I took this as a rather good sign, a change in energy, as he had been so down for so long.
I did not have the added burden of addiction and totally and completely adored my husband. Leaving him was never an option for me. Our son was raised and gone and our marriage was loving, lively, sexual, faithful and brought the best out in both of us.
Out of the blue, during this upswing, which I took as a good sign, I found him nude, on our bed, with a bullet in his head and a gun on the floor. He held 8 pages of misery in his hand. I had no idea he was so hopeless.
My point is that if your husband has gone back to using it could be a warning, a warning that he is not taking his meds, that something is not working for him, that he has some need to self medicate - something is amiss.
I know you're unhappy. I know I struggled much and often with my husband's illness - it wasn't easy, I assure you. Just because I was deeply in love and he was functioning doesn't mean it was without problems.
Yes leaving him is selfish, but I can't judge you for that. When you got married you said you'd stick by him. I'd hate to think I'd be left behind if I was sick and even his addiction is an illness. Being bipolar makes his addiction twice as hard and actually predictable - so many bipolars are substance abusers. But if you feel you must leave I can certainly see why.
Do consider getting him whatever help you can before going. Even if you must commit him first. Perhaps you have been down that road before. Have you tried electro shock therapy? Did wonders for my husband. Also the same behavior therapies used for those with borderline personality disorder are now being used with bipolar with some good successes. It requires a 90 day stay in a psy ward which would afford you a rest as well. And most of the patients are women but these therapies are life style changes and behavior modification and often help with addiction.
So, if you haven't totally become disgusted with your husband to the point that you can no longer love him you might want to consider that perhaps there is still more to be done, some hope yet for him.
If you really have done all you can do, tried everything, been everywhere and nothing works, all therapies exhausted, all love, all hope gone, then you have only yourself and your children to consider. Just consider one last thing. The messege to your young people is "If a person gets sick and doesn't get well, it's OK to leave them". It's that simple and it's very loud and clear in your case. So please do think long and hard on it. They're watching. Gentle thoughts to you.
2007-02-13 16:17:51 · answer #2 · answered by Ande 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would encourage you to stay. It's not totally his fault that his bad habit came back for he also suffer for it. As a wife of his and mother to 5 children, you should not leave your husband.
This is the moment that he needed you all the most to stay by his side and walk with him. He need your strength, your encouragement, your loyalty, and your love. If you leave him now, you'll hurt him, and yourself. 10 years relationship isn't short nor very long but ask yourself, can you really let go? 10 years being together through good time and bad time.
It's not easy for you to find someone around the crowd that you can live with for a long period of time and once you find it, pls don't let go no matter what. Don't let go for neither anyone of you can face or go through the obstacle yourself. You're a family and family means that nobody will be forgotten or be lefted behind.
The day you say I DO, is the day you've decide to stay with him no matter what. Why must you go when he needed you the most? Why can't you all as a family go through with him the whole process in recovering? Help him.. for what he need the most is the family he own.
Think about it fren!
2007-02-13 15:48:59 · answer #3 · answered by Steph 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My husband of 10 years is bi-polar. He is a recoverying alohoilc and crack addict.
Do we take vows that say when the going get tough we get going. Or do we say in sickness and in health.
If he is Bi-polar and on meds he will be ok with that. Is he hurting u or the kids. Is he willing to go into some kind of program for his drug useage.
If he is unwilling to help himself then for ur and ur childrens safety u should leave and never look back. Ur children deserve to healthy parents and if he denies his problems then go.
Best of luck
2007-02-13 15:45:14 · answer #4 · answered by Sophi C 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
u are co dependent and keep trying to fix him, and can't, because he won't make any changes, as he is selfish and wants his life like he wants it no matter who it hurts. no it would not be selfish to leave him and get a new life. at some point your going to leave him anyway, as one day u will wake up and see it for what it is. drug addiction is hard, the person addicted will steal, cheat, lie, they do not care about your wants or needs, so maybe u should just tell him that u love him but u think he is going down a different road than u want to be on, that u have different needs from life, than i would leave him to himself because he will not seek any help, why should your life and your children's lives be ruined by this man.
2007-02-14 00:44:59 · answer #5 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have become caught in the trap of what is called "co dependency" He has manipulated and controlled you in such a way that he knows how to make you feel guilty when you say you are leaving. I have been in this situation with my daughter but with my own self sought counselling I learned that I did not have to live my life like it. You have a life to lead. If he does not want to help himself no one can make him do it. You cannot be responsible for his behaviour but you can your own. Leave him,take the children with you. Make a life for yourself and your children. It might just be the wake up call that he needs, All addicts are selfish you will not change him, He can only change himself. My answer is move on with your life.
2007-02-13 22:29:29 · answer #6 · answered by pepper 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a toss up. On one hand I say you stay because the wedding vows you made probably mentioned for better or for worse. On the other hand though his using alcohol and drug use is setting a very poor example for your children. Is there anyway the two of you can get counseling and try to work together to solve things and be happy again? Maybe he needs to try a different medication for being bi-polar.
2007-02-13 16:07:46 · answer #7 · answered by Tgirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that your husband needs to admit himself to a rehab program. You and your kids don't need to be around this type of behavior, you need to get him out and he needs to make that choice to better himself. This is a real problem having the kids around drugs and your husband can become dangerous if he continues in this path. I think that your husband should leave and he should get help if he wants to keep his family together.
This is not being selfish, but he should be the one to leave because you have kids to take care of. Or, if he doesn't leave, then you find someone you can stay with, but in the meantime, he needs to get help or at least make an effort to want to get the help he needs. Don't cater to his bad habits by allowing this, just support him when he decides to go into rehab.
I wish you the best.
2007-02-13 15:46:09 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
U R no way the selfish one.. I think I would consider making plans to move on with your children, you both need to feel safe and to be happy.. Especially the kids.. This is so terrible what huband is doing to you guys.. ITS B*llsh*t! I would not leave with 5 kids, No way, you get divorce papers served to him and make him leave. You guys all deserve the home. Make him change his life after all hes the one that messed things up.. I feel for you.. Please take care and keep us updated.. :)
2007-02-13 15:45:53 · answer #9 · answered by Sunflower 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like a bad situation to be in, as well as unsafe for yourself and your children. When he's high, who knows what he can and will do. Your children need to come first, not him. No, it isn't selfish to get out, it's the smart thing to do!! And quickly!!!!!!!! Good Luck!
2007-02-13 15:46:44 · answer #10 · answered by Suzie- Q 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋