how does this paper sound the topic is a issue that you are concerned with?

Question

One of issues that i am deeply concerned with is the murder rate in Philadelphia.This is a issue that we must deal with now before more people lose their life.I have seen first hand the impact a person's death can have not only on the person's family and friends but the whole community.I live in a violent community and hear gun shots everyday and unless you have felt the fear that this sound could be yor last you have no idea how this can effect your daily life.It changes how you live your life you have to watch where and when you walk.if you are in the wrong place at the wrong time it can be deadly even if you are just going to the store or chatting with friends.Also you have to watch what to say to people a small fight can turn into someone shooting at you.To change these things i feel there are a few things we can do to help fix this.First of all i think the parents need to take control of their kids before it is too late.If they made sure their kids are in the house at a certain time the murder rate would go down if they are in the house and not on the streets they would stay out of trouble.Also i think music has a lot to do with it.Kids see the rappers talking about who they killed or how many guns cars and girls they have and this makes kids think it is cool do have guns and kill people.There is not much i can do by myself to fix this but i feel joining City Year is a great start.

Answer 1

Excellent essay. You have lots of good details and illustrations. Depending on how long you writing is meant to be you may elaborate on their different esisodes. Your topic is very interesting to both the people who live in violent neighborhoods and those who live in safe peaceful areas and will never experience what you do first hand.

Answer 2

Good essay. You express yourself well and say what you need to say in a way that others can easily understand. Your concluding sentence is a bit weak, I'd drop the "there is not much I can do by myself" just say I feel joining City Year is a great start and maybe a sentence or two about this.
Also it's good to see someone writing with proper spelling and grammar instead of the sentence fragments and texting that passes for writing these days.
On an editorial note, I would put it through a spell check just to make sure, and also insert a few paragraph breaks at the logical places. These finishing touches would turn a B paper into an A paper.

Answer 3

what you are saying is good. if this is for a class, you have a few run-on sentences and grammar corrections to make before you submit this. I would also suggest adding some statistics in your paper to strengthen your essay by supporting the claim of a rise in violence. good luck and again, a great start!