I have always felt that my husband and his ex-wife were too close...?

Question

It is an uncomfortable feeling that they are good friends. They were friends before I came into his life. In fact, they are such good friends, that she does not pay him child support and we have full custody of their son. She is out of the country working and she and I do not get along at all, Probably because I can see right through her manipulative ways. Here I am, raising her son, and she does not acknowledge my presence in his life. My husband insists on maintaining a good relationship by being overly nice to her, it is so sickening how nice he is, even to the point where he emails her that he "wishes she were here" and that she "is missed here". I get so mad at him for telling her that!! I have lost respect for him because it seems as if he is her doormat and he doesn't seem to mind! I am so angry all the time at this whole situation, and I am on the brink of leaving him. It seems like he has no backbone with her and will not stand up to her. Help! Do I ignore it?

Answer 1

Obviously ignoring it is not an option. Be honest with him. Better to be honest early before you end up being honest at the top of your voice during a fight :) If they are friends that's ok, but let him know you need to know that you need him to stand up to her and for you when you disagree. If he can't do that, it's a problem.

Answer 2

It is great that they get along so well because it would be upsetting to the child if they fought all the time. However, if I understand you correctly...YOU are the one taking care of the child. Children can sense tension better than most adults. If you and your husband are arguing all the time over this, chances are, the child knows and it is the same as if your husband and the childs mother were fighting because this child obviously see's you as a "mother figure". I think you should tell your husband that the E-mails he sends are bothering you. (Technically, that is cheating because he is still emotionally involved with her) He should love her as the mother of his child sure, but it sounds like he has taken it too far. This is not something that will "fix itself". You need to take action but, keep in mind that the child should NEVER see you guys argue so when you decide to talk about this, if there is a chance it could turn in to an argument, take the child to Grandma's or somethin'

Answer 3

Whether it is normal is not is not important. The fact that they are still friends and friendly towards each other is quite mature and great for the child involved. Too often after people divorce they either don't speak at all or if they do talk about the other it is with very negative remarks. For a couple to remain friendly is fantastic as far as I am concerned. My ex and I are very close also. My current wife and her actually give each other a hug and kiss when they see each other. We are together for family events often as we share a son and two granddaughters. It is great for us as adults as well as for the kids to witness us still respecting and liking one and other. Perhaps speaking daily or numberous times daily is a bit much however. Have a good talk with your husband and spell it out clearly how it makes you feel how often he is spending time with her. In addition try and include yourself as often as possible and I bet that she will start slowing down on the number of times she contacts him or she may actually be more friendly towards you. Best of luck.

Answer 4

They were and are. You have a couple things really going against you. First, he never has nor will he ever declare war on her. Second, they have a history with a dynamic that one could only imagine.

Is your husband nicer to her than to you. There is no doubt that he has real affection for her, but there is never a guarantee that just because two people are married and live together that they get along. He probably still loves her but is not in love with her. He does not seem to mind that he is her doormat if indeed your interpretation is accurate.

He's go to cool it with her and see that what he is doing or not doing is driving you away. I hate to say it but maybe that's what he wants.

Answer 5

Here is a GREAT article on this very subject. It helped me when I was going through some similar issues. I hope it helps you too. I thought about reshashing some of the points here on Yahoo Answers, but this advice columnist really hits the nail on the head much better than I could (and probably better than anyone else answering your question right now) Coming from me that is saying a lot because some of the people that write those kinds of articles are real crack pots, but this woman has some legitimately good advice.

Here is the link to the article. Just click on it and you are good to go:

http://www.andtheylivedhappilyeverafter.com/85.htm

Good luck!

Answer 6

Did you not notice this before you got married? You should not let her know you are insecure. This only gives her power. Become her friend. slowly. That will blow the little twosome out of the water. Email pictures of her son to her, then her son and your husband and then her son, your husband and you. This will take the power from her and will be taking the high road. If there is something going on with your husband and his ex, he will not like that you are becoming friends, but if there is nothing going on, he will love you even more for your efforts and if he doesn't appreciate your trying - then leave.

Answer 7

If I were you (assuming I'd be a woman =) ) then I'd divorce him and take custody of the son...the father can do what he likes but you have to be concerned for the child as he has no support at this time (both financial and personal; you did state that the ex wasn't paying for child support). If your hub can't stand up to a manipulative and potentially evil woman (even maybe who is only after his wealth or pleasure) then he aint' the right man for you. I'm glad you've realized his ways and now the next step can only be: 1.) live an unfulfilling & miserable life (both sexually, emotionally, even maybe financially) with him 'cuz he can't relate to you that well or 2.) Divorce him and take custody of the child and find another man who will do everything to please his family or 3) Divorce hime and take custody of the child and become a single mother, knowing of the hurt you've felt with your husband and being traumatized to never love again.

Answer 8

Sorry but I don't care if they were friends before you came along or not. YOU ARE HIS WIFE NOW!!! Sounds to me like your husband's ex got off easy with not having to help raise her own child or to help financially support him. Your husband on the other hand, I would question his motives myself if I were you. Why is he telling her "she is missed" and "wishing you were here"? I understand in trying to keep the peace and get along since there is a child involved but let's be realistic here. Apparently he has no respect for the relationship he has with you or he would not continue to have this hurtful relationship that he has with his ex wife. Even though he may not admit it it sounds to me like he still harbors some romantic feelings for her. Why else would he be putting her first and you last. Sorry, but he sounds like an inconsiderate jerk and I definately would not ignore it. If he continues to ignore your feelings and wishes on the subject I would leave and get on with my life. I think that instead of her using him as her doormat he is using you as his!!!!

Answer 9

How does he treat you? That should be your main focus, followed by how his son would be affected if they DIDN'T get along. I am in a situation where my ex- wife does whatever she can to hurt me financially and emotionally. She uses the kids as leverage and treats me like I'm not even important in the kids' lives. She refuses to give me credit for the child support I pay and lets the kids think she pays for everything. I would give anything if she and I got along better, for the kids' sake. If your hubby's ex is as manipulative as mine, then the only way to pacify her might be by being "overly nice", as you put it. It's a sad state of affairs, to be sure, but it beats being constantly stabbed in the back in the worst ways...
If he's good to you then don't sweat it. Being nice to another woman is a far cry from cheating with her.

Answer 10

Why is it---when people get into relationships---they do not listen to what their head is telling them-----
And when a relationship is over they don't listen to their heart ??
When it should be the exact opposite happening for thngs to be better and considerably more rational !!
There isn't a single person here that can tell you anything that YOU don't already know about all this--- you are simply looking for verification--- okay--- you have it--- the guy isn't doing the right thing and he really doesn't care to DO the right thing because he figures he has you sewed up and in the bag !!!
Leave his sorry butt and move on to someone who will not be giving you nightmares and relegating you to an "also" in his life !!!

Answer 11

My dad and his ex were close friends. My mother never worried about it so I never did. My siblings (from mom and dad) and my self were very fond of her. At every family function there she was. If she wasn't there my mother was very distraught. I don't see where the friendship is bad as long as that is all it is. Re member the were closer than friends at one time. Sometimes that is difficult for people to forget.

My dad and mom had my half brothers and sister rite after school let out till just prior to it starting. Dad had him on all holidays . Because of the friendly involvement my half brothers and sister were very close to me and my full siblings. My dad , mom and his ex are all gone now. All that is left from them is a half brother.. We are still close and visit graves together.
My dad's ex was more like the nice step mother than she was an ex. Often we spent the weekend there as kids with her.

When I think of the good old days my dad's ex is right there in the pic.

If your hubby and ex aren't slipping around together then don't worry so much. As far as the support goes if he isn't asking for any then there isn't much to be done about that. You have full custody of the kids then be a good mother and don't worry about their mother. If the kids are with you then expect she will be in the picture. They are her kids. Just love the kids as tho they were yours and give them a happy life. The life they wouldn't have if you weren't there