Poem I wrote. Thoughts on it please?

Question

Lay Back
As you slow down
and don't forget now
what perscription they had left
undone

and where you wanna be
is with the enemy
as you catch yourself
falling again

breathing deep
your not forgiven
as your broken heart
leads you thinking your
falling apart

but you sway
to your hopeless dreams
anyway

Who would care
that you can't bare
the sence of
harmless tranquility

that weakens
your knees
as your veins pump with
misery

Answer 1

Sorry, but:
My lunch started to pour,
Right out on the floor,
As I read your prose,
It squirted out my nose.
Your words did me in,
So I wiped my chin,
And hoped you dont write
Anymore poems.

Answer 2

Kara, you dont' see many non secular poems lately. there have been issues I loved and issues i presumed you need to substitute. universal, i'm satisfied you wrote it. it is what I loved, what exceptionally worked for me: You made an attractive placing this land of "inbetween" this "misfit position". This position of no gentle, no sound, no feeling it is amazingly interesting. i ought to make certain it very quite. This grow to be the most important power of your poem. The elements you want to observe: compelled rhyme: that you will be able to make certain on your again (said benefit), besides the undeniable fact that it is likewise elsewhere in the poem. It pops the reader out of the poem and limits that is effectiveness. i'd propose going again and dealing to sparkling that up. when I study some thing and are available to "and it grow to be a dream" i trust that it is a cop out you're a more beneficial advantageous author than that. in case you want the narrator to experience be apologetic about effective. educate us what that appears like, do not let us know. The in heaven i am going to fly, in hell i am going to fry would properly be written more beneficial advantageous. placed across an similar issues in a non-trite way. The very last 2 strains are solid because they emphasize the flexibility of the piece it is being lost in the inbetween position (i imagine there's a hypen between in-between, you are able to prefer to study). that is it. this will also make a very solid short tale. As, it stands besides the undeniable fact that i love it. Please do not take those comments as harsh--they are no longer. thanks for writing.

Answer 3

Tsk. Tsk. Mr.Knowitall - u suck at poetry, I am very sorry to announce. **Sticks out tongue** What a loser. Don't listen to little Mr.Knowitall over there. I love this poem. I think it has a very deep meaning. Many people can read it and get different ideas on it's true meaning, but only you know what the story behind it is. Mhm. I love it. Very good :]

Answer 4

I commend you for your writing. I can't write poetry to save my soul. It sounds to me, and I am by no means an expert, that this is a drug overdose poem. Someone takes too many pills and falls asleep, thinking about their life and failures. They find peace at last....could be the final thoughts of Anna Nicole Smith.


Anyway....keep writing. We need more creative souls in the world.

Answer 5

Wow! I'm hoping this isn't an Auto-Biographical? I'd hate to think that, someone your Age, is going through that! If so? Your Talent will get you through the tough times. Good Luck.

Answer 6

Very good and true. I think everyone has some sort of fatal attraction in them that craves something they can't have or that is not good for them. Yet they become a slave and lose all control to the object of their desire.

Answer 7

don't listen 2 the mean answers. your poem waz great! like someone else said we could use some more creative souls...you should write poems. that waz great n i hope you pursue this.

Answer 8

It's a very deep poem I personally like it!!!

Answer 9

I loved it! It was insanely good.... keep writing!

Answer 10

not bad but not even close to good......you need more detail