he has a huge debt from his divorce(he chose to give her everything) now i have never been married and saved all my life(36 yrs) and have about 100k.he asked me awhile ago to pay of his debt and i said no and i thought he was ok with it but things have never been the same.he makes digs like"no one ever helped me out i have to take care of myself" i think it was great of him to give his exwife everything for their son but i should not have to "clean up the mess"so to say.am i wrong?
2007-02-13 12:57:27 · 15 answers · asked by doglovers67 1 in Business & Finance ➔ Personal Finance
Do not marry this guy until he clears his own debt. I applaude you for sticking up for yourself. If he has a problem with it show him the door.
It is not your responsibility to wave away his debt for him.
You are not wrong!
2007-02-13 13:08:08 · answer #1 · answered by cool chic 2no 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're absolutely right. You have no obligation to pay off his debt, and it boggles the mind that he dared ask you to. If you do marry I would suggest you get a prenuptial agreement because, from the outside looking in, and based solely on what you've just written, he might be a bit too focused on what you could do for him financially and not focused enough on how you might complete him emotionally.
Are you sure he chose to give his ex-wife everything, by the way? Most men would much prefer to control the $ and give when the need arose, not when the ex might want a new car she didn't really need or whatever. Maybe a judge made him give it? I don't know, but this story sounds suspicious, given his $ request.
2007-02-13 13:12:26 · answer #2 · answered by assimja ta obind 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. You are not wrong. At 36 you have to think of yourself and your retirement and your own financial security. It would be different if you were married (though you might want to protect your assets with a pre-nup if you do get married) because if you are in a community property state he could be entitled to 50% of what you save while you are married. Check with an attorney and the rules in your state before you get married. The debt he accumulated is his debt, not yours - you didn't benefit from it and it is immature and unfair for him to expect you to bail him out. Hold firm. If he walks, he walks. He's showing a side of himself that you want to watch out for (you say things have never been the same). He's playing an emotional blackmail game with you. Yep - he has to take care of himself and you're taking care of YOURself!
2007-02-13 13:07:43 · answer #3 · answered by Santal 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know the answer as well as anyone else. He is in there for your money. I have read a lot of murder mysteries that began like this. Be careful with this guy - from what I can gather, he is not worth it. If you marry him, insist on a prenup; don't buy a big life insurance - if you do make sure he is not the beneficiary. Let a very good friend know about the money in your relationship, just in case you die under mysterious circumstances or just disappear.
2007-02-13 13:11:45 · answer #4 · answered by ao31 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Heck no you're not wrong! You worked and saved all of your life. Just because he made bad decisions with his finances is no reason to expect you to pay for them. Certainly, it's his responsibiility to take care of his son, but it's also his responsibility to take care of himself.
Reconsider marrying this guy. Remember, once you're married, he has access to your money and you to his debt. No wonder he says he loves you. Kick him to the curb and find a real man who knows how to handle his money.
2007-02-13 13:06:29 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Communication is a big issue here. Buy the way you describe the situation you are uncomfortable. It is one thing to help him work through his problems and another to take them on and make them your own. The only way your relationship will continue to work is to learn to communicate better.
Do not spend time arguing or feeling guilty about the past, deal with problems when they happen swiftly.
You have to feel comfortable letting him know that his old debt and current financial troubles are his own, that he needs to take care of them, and that you feel you should not have to feel guilty for making him deal with his problems.
His mistake was not seeing that by giving everything to his ex for his son ruined his ability to take care of him self - ultimately making it hard for him to further help his son in the future. Because he did not take care of himself he effectively made things hard on himself and his son. Catch 22
Furthermore he now inadvertently is bringing this problem into your court. He had the right intentions but failed to make the correct choices. He will make this same mistake in the future if you "fix" the problem for him. He needs to work through this and not burden you. This builds character and teaches him to make better choices. If he gets off easy in this instance he will make a similar mistake in the future in some other venue, and you will have to "fix" it for him again.
Communicate communicate communicate do not hold this in, it will kill your relationship.
Good Luck
Take control
2007-02-13 13:54:51 · answer #6 · answered by renzbenton 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get out of this relationship as fast as you can. If you marry him, his debt will become your debt whether you want it or not. Yes, it's nice that he gave his ex everything, but if he couldn't afford it then he shouldn't have.
2007-02-13 13:08:06 · answer #7 · answered by zphtar 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't do it until you get married, but when you do get married, you are joined as one, and if you both attack the debt, and pay it off, you will be able to accomplish great things financially together.
2007-02-14 14:21:38 · answer #8 · answered by Jen G 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no you are not wrong. we all make choices and he made his. you should not have to clean up his mess. i could see if a mess happened during the marriage, but this was before you. so he should stop whining and making you feel bad and go out and clean up his mess. a man does that. takes responsibility for his actions. a man.
2007-02-17 11:37:44 · answer #9 · answered by Debt Free! 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this may be a sign of what to come. If he is marrying you for your money, I suggest you look into marriage counseling, money is often the reason for divorce.
2007-02-13 13:06:16 · answer #10 · answered by di12381 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋