The death of a child is huge. Why does it feel like the end of the world?

Question

How can life go on?

Answer 1

I am so sorry for your grief and you have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your child. I pray that you may find peace for your soul and comfort for your heart.

You've asked a question that has no answer because it's so individual to each person who has experienced it. It doesn't matter if the loss was sudden because of an accident or if there was a prolonged illness and one "knew," rationally and logically, it was eventually going to happen. It feels like the end of the world because, in an enormous sense, it IS the end of the world one knew. I believe that people feel adrift after such a loss because we focus our world on our children from the moment we know we are to be a parent; once they are born, that focus multiplies countlessly and, when that focus is ripped away from us, we simply don't know who we are anymore or what we're supposed to do or how we're supposed to do it.

Life can go on, but each individual has to choose how their life is going to go on and then diligently work on it, one step at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, until we've reinvented our world and somehow, someway, the ache lessens and isn't as raw as it was. We find something to focus on and we focus on it. Cry when the grief overcomes and let it out. Rail at the world when the urge is so strong and let it out. Recognize the stages of grief and know that, no matter how disconnected you feel, you are normal. Grief counseling with people who are similarly affected can be one of the most valuable tools. It's even alright to be mad at God; He understands that we can be mad at Him in these situations and He knows we don't really mean what we say, but that we have to say it.

My sister-in-law lost a child due to a rare genetic disease. We didn't know if she would make it or not, but she surprised all of us by going through grief counseling in a group for parents who had lost children due to that particular illness and she ended up becoming a volunteer counselor herself, helping those who also lost their children to that genetic disorder. I suppose she made sense of her loss by taking her experience and helping others understand that they, too, would survive it.

Someone else I knew lost her 3 year old daughter and she felt a huge sense of responsibility for the child's death, even though she had nothing to do with the accident. She got through it by talking about it ... a lot. She was unembarrassed to cry when talking about it. I believe it was a pressure valve for her to talk about it and, by doing so, she kept her daughter alive in a sense.

All of us, consciously or not, somewhat expect to bury our parents. We even consider the notion that we might have to bury a spouse or a sibling. But it never enters our mind that we will have to endure the loss of a child. In our minds, that is just not the natural order of things and, because it is not the natural order of things, when it happens it is so foreign that we cannot wrap our rational mind around it. Even if we've been told that our child is terminally ill and there is no hope we, as parents, cannot help *but* hope .... because it is unnatural to do otherwise.

Life does go on even when it feels like it cannot. We do survive even when we feel there is no possible way that we can. We do become happy again even though we feel like our heart is on the ground. But there is no timeline for it. It happens when it happens.

There are so many platitudes that people utter out of good intentions and the need to try to say something to somehow offer you comfort. Remember that they mean well and that they are hurting for you and they feel pain that they cannot make you feel better.

Remember that it is okay to laugh; that it is alright to have a 'good' day; that you have done nothing wrong when the time comes that you accept an invitation to go somewhere and you enjoy yourself.

No one in the world knew your child like you did. No one had that special bond like you did. Even the other parent had a bond differently than yours. If the other parent is anywhere in the picture, even if you've been apart for years, now is a time when you might consider talking with him/her. Don't lock people away and, like the hospital chaplain said, don't isolate. Isolation is the worst thing you can do to yourself right now. If you cannot make yourself go out, ask someone to come in. Surround yourself with those you love and who love you, even if you need to go into your bedroom and cry until you have no more tears, let someone know it means the world to you to know they are just in the next room.

You will always hold that child in your heart. Nothing, not even death, can take that from you. It does no good to wonder about all the things your baby could have been or done because that's counterproductive. Instead, focus on all the things your baby did, whether your baby left this world at 6 months or 26 years. That's still your baby and that baby made you very, very happy. One day, out of the blue, you'll find yourself telling a story of something he or she did that made you laugh ... and it will make you laugh again in the telling of it ... and you'll know then that you're going to be alright.

You will survive. You just have to make the decision to do it and allow yourself the time to find your balance again. May peace be upon you.

Answer 2

The death of a child can be unbearable because no one ever expects a child to die before a parent. However, if you're a Christian person, the resurrection hope can make it easier to go on. It is possible to see our dead loved ones again.
John 5:28&29 and Acts 24:15

Answer 3

i think it's hardest when it is a child because of how young they are and how much life they had left. As an adult, it's hard to deal with a child's death - and not even your own child - because you think of your own experiences in life and it just doesn't seem fair that this person will not have those kinds of experiences and it seems like they didn't have a fair chance. You almost feel guilty in a way.

Answer 4

I think the death of anyone close to you is hard.A childs is probably hardest of all but life does go on.I wonder what would have been with a life ended too soon.A good friend of mine has lost 3 children at different times and I ask myself how does she take the pain.

Answer 5

I have lost two children to death. One was stillborn and one was an abortion that was neccessary for the sake of saving my life so I can be a mother for my living children.
It is terrible and soul wrenching. It never stops hurting hon. Life goes on because it has to. I would suggest seeing a therapist who specializes in this particular tragedy

Answer 6

Because you just lost the thing you created and your prized possesion. It's scary and hard, losing anyone close is never easy. Life goes on whether you wantit to or not. i'm not trying to say this to be mean, i'm in a bad mood because i lost the love of my life and tomorrow's v-day. Cry your eyes out if you want to...no problem with it, someone asks you why your crying, tell them to shut the F*** up.

Answer 7

I'm an experienced hospital chaplain. the pain of loss is unbearable. Surrounding yourself with as many people as possible may work. Try not to isolate. Talk, talk talk...

Answer 8

becase a part of you is missing.talk and get involved in something that interests you,always think positive

Answer 9

Move on. Have another kid. Go to McDonalds. Become old. Relive childhood. Die. Be buried. Live in the ground until the bugs eat your body.

It goes on like that...