My Fiancé mother tries to make every decision for us. I have giving my advice on how to stop this happening but my Fiancé always slips back to the old ways. I am a very strong willed person and I know this will be a very very serious problem if nothing changes.
Just for the record my fiancé hates the current situation and is badly stressed by it.
My mother-in law doesn't work so has loads of time to dream up ways to subtlety influence just about every any decision she is interested in the outcome of
I am convinced that she is only paying for our wedding reception so that she can influence(dictate) everything to do with the reception. (I don't want to sound ungrateful but it's my wedding, surely I should have the ultimate decision on all matters even if she is paying for the reception)
Any techniques, hints, suggestions on how my fiancé can control this would be most appreciated.
Note: Accepting that cutting off communications isn't fair but what else will work?
2007-02-13 08:59:22 · 17 answers · asked by Daffey 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think you are SO right about the paying for the wedding then having control! If I were you, I'd state what you want and if she doesn't agree, say well we'll pay that bit ourselves.
It's manipulation! I understand that cutting off is not an option...I really do. But, I do think you have to stand strong together on this one and be politely assertive. It must be more difficult for your fiancee as it's her mother.
Sit down with your fiancee and decide together what it is you want and then present that to your mother-in-law. Let her have a bit of her way but not the parts that are important to you.
If you can be assertive with her now...it'll set the tone for the future. Trust me...I have been there and I know...only it took over 20 years for me to free myself!
Best wishes, have a lovely day!
2007-02-13 09:07:45 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Firstly, men can't deal with this sort of problem and he'll be stressed as to who to please. Your ma-in-law will be delighted to be organising things without realising she is offending you. When your offspring leave home, it is frightening and very lonely and you feel useless and unwanted. Approach her and say that you are delighted that she has some good ideas but can she understand that you wish to have a part and a say in what should go on. Your future husband will love you far more than he loves his mother but it's like this....love for family is undying but totally a different love from a spouse/fiancee. A love for spouse/fiancee is a chemistry thing, and not the same as the love for a mother or sibling. Your spouse will never, ever love his mother more than you, it's not possible, the two loves are different. It is very difficult for men to discern and to explain. men just want a quiet life and can't really deal with problems. Just love him, his mother is no threat, she's just lonely and wants to be included somewhere in his life/wedding.
2007-02-13 10:40:45 · answer #2 · answered by Angelfish 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is just the beginning. She is who she is, and you are who you are - neither are going to change but both of you are going to need to try to accept each other "as is". Don't do like I did and let her get away with things by trying to be nice and agreeable. I have let my MIL walk all over me for 23 years - she has good intentions though. I have exploded on her a few time and felt realllllly bad afterward. She is not so bad any more, however, she is 80.
A man who has a good relationship with his mother, will be good to his wife. THink about it. If a man can't stand his mother, the woman who gives him unconditional love, how can he love and respect his wife?
2007-02-13 09:15:34 · answer #3 · answered by Pandora 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only way you can work this, is by having your fiance laying down law with her mom. If you try, you will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of bitterness, by both her mom and her as your new wife will use that when you have future arguments against you. I have been through this as well, and the only way it will work is if you fiance straightens this out. Tak my advice, avoid this confrontation with her in-laws if you want to be happy in the future.
2007-02-13 09:06:24 · answer #4 · answered by St.Jeb 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your fiance needs to talk to her. The only way to set boundaries is to make them clear to the other person. Deal with it now, before you get married. Yes, she'll get mad. She may even say she's not going to pay for the wedding, but in the end she probably will to save face unless she is truly a witch.
2007-02-13 09:05:01 · answer #5 · answered by Ducky 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Disregard everything anything she says, don't take any notice unless it what you have requested, trust me, i have been through years of $hite with my MIL, and she don't get anywhere nowadays, coz she gets no reaction!! Learn to ignore her and just talk if you have to, apart from that just pretend she don't exist!!
As for her paying for the reception, let her, mine did, and she threw it in my face, but you know what, it cost her not me, take what you can hehe you have the ability to make her toes curl, just Don't bite!!!
Tell her that you would prefer to have what you and her son wants, not what she requires, just say something like i am very grateful that ou are paying for it, but we have spoken and we want blah blah, whatever it is you want!!
My hubby is with me all the way, he hardly talks to his mum now, but that's her own doing, she tried allsorts to cause trouble, but because we ignored her, she didn't get the reaction she intended...
I could tell you some stories, you wouldn't believe me, but my MIL has gotta be the evilest around!!
Good luck keep your chin up and be you, just ignore her and let it go over your head!!!!!!
2007-02-13 10:40:49 · answer #6 · answered by anney 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your man and set some boundaries now. She needs to understand that paying for your reception does not give her authority to do things her way. Nip this in the bud now or it will never go away and only fester. I know.
P.S. Is your man a Mommy's boy"? Run fast if he is.
2007-02-13 13:12:37 · answer #7 · answered by mimegamy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can relate to your dilemma as my mother in law is very controlling. I know it's easier said than done, but you really have to make your own decisions (alone/as a couple) in order to live your own life and be happy. You must stick to your guns and don't let her cause all this upset.
2007-02-13 09:20:12 · answer #8 · answered by Fiona M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get a divorce; my mother in law told me I should only have one child, where we should live, that I cdnt bring my kids up as Catholic. I am divorced now, had to give my ex tons of money to get rid He was awful prob cos of his awful mother The father was complicit too
2016-11-27 02:17:28 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her you will allow her to pay only if you get to dictate how the wedding should be.
2007-02-14 09:43:52 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋