Did i really demasculate my husband??

Question

Hi i am 26 yrs old and have been married 2 yrs most of which has been not so happily.We have a daughter who is 1.5 together.When we first got married we agreed to only have one joint account for bills, morgage payments, and other things pertaining to the house all of which would be split 50/50 in payments(this was his idea).For everything else we would have personal accounts.Recently though i have begun to make more money than my husband by a considerable amount. I bought a red mustang a car i have always wanted for myself in adition to the SUV i normally drive.My husband however is angry that i bought it without talking about it first with him.I dont see why i have to answer to him when its my money from my personal account?I dont say anything about stuff he buys with his money?

We have seperate savings accounts .

Answer 1

Handling your money like this is no way to have a trusting and successful marriage. When you marry, you become one and should share everything with your partner. You are both selfish to live this way.

Answer 2

I can understand why your husband would feel as he does to a point. Infact, you sound very typical of most women today, at least in my view. You somehow can find a way to justify whatever you do and then ask how anyone could find fault. If they do, you think them wrong or unenlightened, a cave man. You have no problem basically trying to show or say to your husband that you dont need him at all, and he should understand that. Is that right? If that isnt your intent, I suggest that you change tactics or get prepared for him to give you the same in return.

Simply ask yourself how you would honestly view it, if the roles were reversed. Would you not think that such a major purchase should at least be worthy of a talk with your spouse? I am sure that you would if the roles were reversed.

Come on now, are you two not legally tied and somewhat responsible for one another? Even if he isnt on the loan, would he not be sued if you were in an accident and got sued? Of course he would be. Hate to have to tell you this, but last I checked, when we get married, we are to be half of a whole. Ah, I know, that is old school, right?

Have you ladies not been the ones who screamed that you should be shown respect, given consideration, valued, when it was you that men paid no attention to? Was it not women that screamed that money should not determine how much say a person had in marriage? If I recall, it certainly was.

Funny how all of those complaints just sort of went the same route as many other things. The double standard is fine if you women have and use it, but it is unfair, insensitive, rude, mean, cavemanish if the man does it.

Answer 3

Well, you've identified one of the main things couples fight about...money. I think anyone would agree that a car is a pretty major purchase, especially when you already have one. You guys can handle your fiances any way you want, as long as it works for you both and you can both agree on it. Sounds like you're not both in agreement on this.

I can tell you from my personal experience that not sharing finances does not make a strong, trusting marriage. What you guys are basically saying to each other when you have your "personal" accounts is that you don't trust each other with "your" money. When a couple marries, the concepts of "mine" really need to be thrown out the window. Everything should become "ours." Your home, lives, children, and expenses. That includes major purchases.

The major cause of divorce is selfishness, and selfishness is caused by thinking of "me" and "mine" rather than "ours" and "us." You guys probably need some counseling, just to help you both understand this, and probably to help you guys set up a financial arrangement that you can both agree to. What my husband and I have is a discretionary amount either can spend per month that we don't have to account for, but beyond that, we talk and discuss it, and decide TOGETHER if that purchase will help us towards OUR financial goals.

Answer 4

The 50/50 rule is not really that fair for just the reason you are running into. The fairest way I've found to divide the expenses is for each of you to pay a percentage based on what each makes. For example, if of the total household income I make 60% and my wife makes 40% then we each pay this percentage accordingly. Those expenses include mortgage, utilities, daycare, and food. It doesn't matter if you have joint accounts or separate one the rule can be the same. In my case, my wife and I have separate accounts and this method has served us pretty well.
I think you would be pretty mad if your husband had a significant increase in salary and you still had to carry your half of the financial burden while he bought fun things for himself.
The percentage rule is hard to argue against and when you've finally paid your share you can generally feel good about spending what is left over on whatever you want.

Answer 5

I think you should have at the very least told him you intended to buy a new car. He was probably shocked and maybe envious. My wife and I never make a major purchase without consulting the other first. She makes about $5000 a year more than I do, but would be considerate enough to tell me. "Demasculate" is too harsh a word to use. If he wants more money he should attempt to find a higher paying job.

Answer 6

You bought a car without telling your (what do I call him) a partner is someone you work with. I guess I'll just refer to him as the housemate.

Gee a red mustang (that YOU always wanted and you have a SUV, oops and a daughter --what does she get. Oh yes, the most selfish mom you can imagine. Self-centered wastes ,money, disrespectful to her husband and father of her child and seeking validation for her denial problem.

The issues is not that you need his permission, the issue is YOU are suppose to be a COUPLE and you are NOT and you try to belittle him for your selfish behaviors. You didn't demasculate him -- you hate him and want to belittle him by saying you demasculated him. He should take your daughter and leave.

Answer 7

You're married. It doesn't matter what financial agreement you made, who made it, or whose account it's sitting in. Yes, you should have talked about it with him before making any major financial decision. He should give you the same courtesy.

You've stated you have a small child and a house note. A shiny new sports car should be WAAY down the list of purchases. You're not a teenager any more. You're a 26 year old mommy. Your daughter gets the toys now, not you.

On the other hand, as long as you've already got the car, the license plate does read "NOT HIS", doesn't it? :)

Answer 8

Sounds like he's just jealous you're making more money. If you're holding up your end of the money deal you made, he has no right to complain. Unless he's worried you are not putting enough into retirement or something (?)

Though I do have to say, it's a little weird you didn't at least mention buying something so big as a car to him, when you are married. No, you don't have to answer to him, but it must have been a big shock to him. It probably would have been good to mention to him before you did it, out of courtesy/ respect. You guys are married, he should know what is going on in your life & vice versa.

Answer 9

Normally I would say any large purchases should be discussed and both should agree to it or it's a no. However, in your case I don't think you were wrong. Your husband set it up so that your finances are separate. You act more like roommates monetarily. You put in your half for the bills, I'll put in my half and all the rest we put in our own accounts and it's our own money. I'm sure it was fine until you started making more than him. So now I say he should just suck it up. He set it up, so now he can live with it.

Answer 10

You're not wrong, you're just inconsiderate, as is he to you. Money matters ought to be a joint thing, and each contributing to the household.... BUT I hasten to add, than when one or the other of you is about to plunk down $20,000++++, and to do so without the other's imput, it's rather cold.... Would you have been upset had he bought something that expensive for himself, without your imput?

To answer your question: Yes, hon, you did---big time...... (and the term is emasculate, not demasculate.)

Answer 11

Sounds like he is insecure. I hope he finds a way to deal with that. On the other hand, it can be really nice to share a complete life, including the income and the ways to spend it. You may want to look into this. But, no, you did not "demasculate" your husband.