should i stay with my wife or not?

Question

i am still with my wife of 12yrs but she cheated on me twice. we have a 3yr old so i didn't leave after i found out. we do love each other but we are neither one happy at this point. i don't trust her and that makes it hard to stay with her. i did think we were madly in love when she had her physical affair 6yrs ago(i just found out about that 5 months ago). we weren't that close when she had her emotional affair which she said ended in january(once she knew i was on to her for talking to someone else). i am just hoping and giving her the benefit of the doubt that emotional was all it was. i feel like shes just a mother to my child and my roomate at this point. i just feel like my heart has been ripped out and i don't know what to do because i do love my family. i just don't know if i can ever get my trust back in her. she also acts like she has no remorse or regret about the cheating, she just thinks it should go away. thanks for any help.

Answer 1

If she shows no remorse or regret, she is very likely to do it again.
Personally I would get into counseling with or without her. I don't think it is healthy to be in this relationship, but I do think it would be something worth saving because of your child. I have heard of men who have stuck with their wives until the children are grown just so their babies at least have that stability. Afterall, the child didn't cause this. I don't know if it is something that can be done or not.
I am terribly sorry that this has happened to you. She needs to do some work on this. I hope she does.

Answer 2

Only you can really make the decision as to what you should do. Your concern at this point should be your child and what’s best for your child. At this point your child is very young and if you decided to leave he/she would bounce back from this. You need to decide do you want to live the rest of your life with someone that you’ve admitted that you only see her now as the mother of your child and a roommate? Your child even at a young age can sense when you’re happy and/or unhappy. Staying there just for the sake of the child really isn’t a good idea or environment for your child. You should perhaps talk to a counselor that will guide you in the direction that will best suit you. If she’s not offered up any remorse or suggestion for getting help she more than likely will do it again. At this point you really don’t want her to apologize because would she really mean it? After she cheated the first time, she obviously didn’t feel remorse because she wouldn’t have cheated again. She sounds as though she has a problem and she needs to seek help for it. If she’s not willing to do so then there’s nothing that you can do. Ask yourself these questions, do I love me? Do I love me enough where I deserve better than what I’m getting? If I stay will I ever fully trust her again? Can I forgive her for what she’s done and by doing so never bring it up and just let it go away? I will never forget but can I whole heartedly forgive her for cheating? When she’s not home or on the computer or phone will I suspect her of cheating? You should move on because I don’t know you but I know you deserve better and so does your child. Leave and if you’d like check with the laws of your state regarding custody of your child considering she’s the one that cheated. I wish you the very best.

Answer 3

Once a cheat doesn't equal always a cheat. I means that there is something wrong in the relationship. People are human and make mistakes and sometimes you have to be on the verge of losing the very thing that means the most to you in order to be able to appreciate and realize it.

Your child should not be a factor, you two can co-exists separately as parents. Her behavior has to change, if she cannot express to you what the emotional short comings that triggered her to go outside of her marriage are... then maybe you are better off apart. If she can and/or you can go to counseling to help repair the damage and rebuild the trust, then maybe there is hope.

But first and foremost you have to answer 1 question honestly to yourself... can you really forgive her and move on? If you can't 100% commit to forgiving her, then no matter what she does in the future, you will still hold that against her and it will still cause underlying problems. You may end up treating her like the 'garbage she is' for having cheated on her and guess what... that restarts the cycle all over again. Most people go outside of the marriage because they cannot find what they need in it.

If you cannot really forgive her (at least this one last time if you think she deserves a 3rd chance after seriously talking to her) then you're better off going separate ways and doing everything you can to work on being parents.

Answer 4

If she feels no remorse then she is not truly sorry for the affairs and will do it again. If she wanted to talk to someone and couldn't trust you to talk with then she should have gone to a counselor not have an affair which in my mind she was doing more than talking. You have a 3 year old child and that makes it hard to raise the baby with a Mom like that. You have to sit down and really have a huge heart to heart with your wife. If she wants to continue her affairs then I think its best if you get custody of your child and let her have the affairs she wants. She is not showing a good loving role model to your child. If talking with her doesn't solve anything you can try going to a marriage councilor but honestly don't really think your wife will go and if she does she won't get the full benefit out of it. But who knows maybe she will turn around and see what she is doing to your heart and change.

Answer 5

You must accept that she will always be a cheat, if you are OK with that then go from there. At least if you had an open marriage from this point you would in some way be equal. I expect that 2 is actually a conservative number in your case, those are just the ones she thinks you may know about. If you want a real relationship with someone it must be with some else. I've tried the forgiving route in effect that just gives a license to continue the practice. (admittedly it is true that a single instance may not indicate that the marriage can't be saved) However that doesn't pertain to your case.

Answer 6

Dear Hunter 18!
Wow! What a question! And no doubt very hurtful. I've been there and I know!
I can only tell you what I did. The decision to stay or leave is one only YOU can make.
The saying "Once a runner, always a runner!" is very true. Jump the traces and its ever so much easier to jump the traces a second , third and more times. A relationship where there is no trust cannot last. Both of you deserve to be happy. It is obvious that you are not... and you deserve to be so. I wasn't happy either so I divorced my wife atter the third time. and moved on. When children are involved it makes it more difficult. They must be made to undeerstand that it is not their fault... and both of you must be part of your three year olds life.
I suppose that it's because she has no remorse that I say time to split and find someone worthy of you!

Answer 7

Sorry to hear of troubles but man you gotta go. Without trust there is nothing and it really wouldn't be helpful to the kids to stay. All that would do would do is to give them the idea that cheating is ok. Don't think your daughter wont find out when she is older. If you had said you love her I might say something different, but the only time love is mentioned is pretty much past tense. Love of family is not the same as love of wife. You have to make yourself happy. That is what will ultimately make things better for your daughter, not seeing that marrage is a place to be unhappy. If nothing else think of it this way...what would you tell your daughter to do if she was the one asking? There will be your answer. Good luck.

Answer 8

Trust honesty loyalty devotion....they are all sacraed words in a relationship esp a marriage and if one of those is broken how can it be a bond that will last through the end of time? I am sorry that it is n't working for you and I think you have tried. it is really not worth the time and energy to figure out why she has done the things she has. If she cannot stay with you for all the right reasons you should not stay in it either. I understand the part of your child...but you need to get out of it and move on into a healthier part of life and your child will adapt and be fine if you are fine. I am in the middle of it all now too.... Good luck

Answer 9

Repairing a marriage after an affair isn't easy and for it to successfully happen a trained therapist needs to be involved. When my exes had an affair I ran like the wind but I have seen some marriages of friends come out better after therapy with a counselor or religious leader. And don't stay for your child. It is documented that it is worse for the child for the family to stay intact than get divorced. Good luck :).

Answer 10

So she felt no guilt at all to keep it a secret for 6 years she sounds like she thinks what she did was ok and thinks everything will be ok and she probably thinks your not going anywhere. Do you want to stay with someone that cheated on you not once but twice. It's a bad thing to cheat once but twice? She will most likely do it again and im sure you don't always want to wonder what's on her mind and who is she sleeping with. You really don't have anything without trust. If that was me i'd leave but that is just me you do what your going to do and what you feel needs to be done.