Do I choose divorce or try a 3rd time? What about the kids??

Question

I've been married almost 9 years. The first years were great, then things went downhill due to personal tragedies between us. We dealt with our pain seperately, which lead to infedlity on both sides. But we came together again & tried. 5 years later, another heartbreak between us and once again both turn to outsiders for support. Throughout my marriage, i've had other friendships for support in all areas. I guess, leaning on my husband isn't enough for me. There's no physical abuse, but definitely verbal thrown back & forth. When we aren't fighting (fighting has been daily since the beginning of our marriage) I still feel hurt by many things he says, unintentionally. He tries very hard to be a good husband. More than I give to the marriage. But I'm not allowed to be me. I seem to have just lost my hope in it. Between the knowledge of the dangers of verbal abuse & the way we have not turned to each other during hard timesi find reasons to leave. But we have 3 kids. Help?

Answer 1

I read you article and what you need to think about is how the children feel. I was raised in a home where my parents fought all the time. It was verbal and physical abuse, we as children went through private hell. We was so tired of listening to the arguing all the time. I give my parents credit, they kept us out of their personal business. I think the final straw was went my brother got in the middle and told my father not to hit my mother again. That day my father got his things and move out. When it came to use they agreed on everything and no arguments there. They sat use down and talked to us about going their separate ways, and told us how much they love us. Some bad marriages can effort the children when they grow up and have relationships of their own. When parents fight all the time you confuss children, and they have a hard time determining what is love. They have a hard time loving and trusting, because they don't wont to fall into their parents footsteps.

Answer 2

I feel your pain...I really do. My first marraige was lost due to infidelity and the two of us never learning to support eachother. On the bright side, I had two children with my ex and they turned out just fine. We (my ex and I) agreed to never bad talk the other infront of the kids. That was a huge sucess for us. I met my current husband only about 6 months after my divorce. We dated for 3 years before deciding to marry. We wanted to make sure that my kids were gonna be okay and that we were gonna be okay. I have now been married for 10 years. We have had our share of personal losses, fights, disagreements, let downs, ect...but the one thing that stands out far from my last is that we are always there to support eachother. When we are wrong, we apologize. When we are right, we do not shove that in the others face. If you honestly can't lean on your husband for support...maybe you should leave the marraige. Besides, cheating on eachother isn't fair to eachother. Two wrongs don't make a right. That also can be hurting your children. Kids can honestly feel the tension between mom and dad. They may not know what exactly is wrong..but they do know that something is wrong. That can lead to low self esteem and other problems. If you two really love your children and eachother maybe it's time to set eachother free. Remember...If you love something, set if free, If it comes back to you, it's yours...if it doesn't, it was never meant to be. Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes we do what feels right in the moment. We don't always think about the long road ahead.
I hope this helps. My ex and I set eachother free and we never returned eachother. We are still very much in touch with eachother, just as two parents...not as husband and wife.

Answer 3

I agree with some other answerers that what you are doing is bad for your kids. Where I differ is that they are telling you to break up, but I would advise you instead to fix it. Step 1: Stop fighting! Do it unilaterally. Resolve to stop verbally abusing your husband, no matter what he does or says. Bam! You just reduced the abusive language in your house by 50%! Furthermore, once you stop, and your husband notices that you have stopped, tell him lovingly & sincerely that you want you both to resolve to handle disagreements rationally and in a soft-spoken way, for the kids. You obviously do love each other, or you wouldn't have stayed together this long.

Unfortunately, I don't know what "I'm not allowed to be me" means. Nobody can stop you from being you. Start behaving in a way that is true to yourself and to your personality, and the heck with the consequences. Simultaneously, though, begin to strive to become the person you would like to be. Develop your values and strive for personal goals. Make yourself into a better person and things will greatly improve in your marriage.

Answer 4

!)You should try again. 2) You both stop leaning on other people and lean on each other that will bring you closer. Allowing people outside your marriage to be involved in your personal lives spells disaster. Remember you can't change the other person you can only change yourself. And divorce destroys families and the kids. Kids need both their parents. Try being nice whether you want to or not it can only come back to you in a good way

Answer 5

Your marriage was over when you went outside of the relationship and cheated. You don't love him and he doesn't love you. People who are in love doesn't share their bodies with other people. You need to just move on and try to be civil for the childrens' sake. The question you asked, "What about the kids?", should have been the question in your head before you ever cheated. Thank you and good luck.

Answer 6

The hardest thing to learn especially when the kids are old enough to understand is that when it is over, it is over forever!
You need to do it for yourself, him and your kids. It is not good or healthy for any of you to go through that type of lifestyle. I know cuz I am going through it now, and my husband does hit. But not my kids. It is easier said then done...but in the long run what would you have?

Answer 7

Children are more happy with divorced parents then with parents who stay together for the children but fight/hate/cheat on each other.