should we seperate?

Question

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVEBEEN HAVING SOME MAJOR PROBLEMS. I AM GETTING TO THE POINT THAT I FEEL THAT I AM OVERWHELMED AND THINKING OF DIVORCE. I LOVE HIM AND DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I JUST NEED SOME TIME TO MYSELF TO CLEAR MY HEAD. HE TOLD ME IF I WALK OUT THE DOOR IT ID OVER. PERIOD. I WAS THINKING OF SEPERATING FOR A COUPLDE OF WEEKS SO I COULD GET A CLEAR HEAD AND A BETTER PROSPECTIVE OF OUR MARRIEAGE SITUATION AND PROBLEMS. HELP, WHAT SHOULD I DO.

Answer 1

Well first of all I think you should really listen to what he said, and think about what you really want. He has told you that if you leave it will be over. You said that you don't want a divorce, so maybe you should find another solution. You don't have to leave the house to seperate yourself from him. I don't know what your work schedules are like, but in the evening, do what you have to do around the house...cook, clean up, or whatever it is you do, then take yourself to the bedroom, curl up and start a journal. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Then you can go back and reflect on them. Maybe even let him read a couple entries so that he knows where you are coming from. Take time to yourself, but don't leave him when you have made it clear that you don't want a divorce and he has made it clear that if you leave the marriage is over.

Answer 2

Suggestion #1. Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It's great, it's changed me dramatically and my husband followed suit.

Suggestion #2. Set a time limit (1 month, 6 months, a year, etc...whatever you chose). In that amount of time, take the focus OFF the issues and the situation and put it on you. If you were to leave today, are there things about yourself you'd change? Change those things now instead. Transform yourself into the person you'd be without him...(confident, lose weight, cut your hair, join a club, what ever suits you) Work on these things with vigor. Don't stop even if things seems better, don't stop until your time is up. When your time is up, evaluate the situation again. Has he followed suit and made himself happy too? If not, leave knowing that you gave it your all. You'll walk away knowing there truly was nothing else to be done, gorgeous, and totally confident.

Don't give up yet. When I felt the way you do someone told me this next thing and it's stuck with me. "when it's time to go, you won't wonder...you'll see the signs in technicolor!"

Good luck!

Answer 3

Depends on the nature of your problems. Really, you should seek outside assistance, a minister/pastor/priest/rabbi, or a professional.

That said, most men (including me) look at taking a break, even if it's "just" for a couple of weeks, as giving up on a relationship. In his mind, if you even NEED to think about whether to stay married, the issue has already been decided. Right or wrong, that's the way it works with most guys. So do your best to convince him that you will spend the time thinking up SOLUTIONS your problems, NOT thinking about WHETHER you want to stay married.

Plus, he will resent being left alone for that long, managing all the household responsibilities without your help. That's especially important if you have kids. Anything you can do to soften the blow will make the idea more palatable to him.

So if you need some time to clear your head, suggest a compromise. The "suggest" part is important, because men are, at the most fundamental level, like children. They (we) don't like being TOLD how it's going to be. Throw the idea out there, and at least ask for his blessing.

Furthermore, you need to reassure him that your time away is, in fact, just for purposes of clearing your head. Another main concern (other than you "giving up" on the marriage) will be that you want to use the break to drink, party, and flirt (or possibly more) with members of the opposite sex.

So if you REALLY do want to clear your head, suggest a shorter break, like a long weekend (instead of a couple of weeks). Best option: a solo trip to visit someone HE considers "safe," such as a (married) family member, or better yet, your parent(s). Promise you'll keep in close contact, every day. Also promise that you won't air your "dirty laundry" to whoever you might visit, because he will resent that as well.

Answer 4

You could try a compromise. Remember that he's hurting to and probably scared. Instead of leaving for so long and calling it a "seperation" you could go to a spa for a long weekend or go hang out with your folks for a week.

This should at least give you some breathing room to think without your husband feeling abandoned. After all, even people who's relationships are in great shape need a little space now in then.

Answer 5

One of my uncles used to say - when one of you walks out the door that is the beginning of the end. I don't know what kind of problems you are having or how long your problems are going on - but I assume you are talking to him about them. If you both are talking and really trying and you are in no danger, then hang in there. You love him and you don't want a divorce. Sometimes you just need to hold each other and be quiet. I hope it works for you.Good luck

Answer 6

Go ahead and leave; if he loves you, he'll respect the fact that you need some time alone. If not, then you'll have the answer, and will get divorced. I know it's hard, but don't let his threats of divorce scare you, or control you. You must do what you believe is in your best interest. Good luck!

Answer 7

Erm.... thats a bit of a hard question as we dont know what u relationship is like... i think u need to discuss this with him and suggest that seperating for a week or two is a better idea than continuing to live how u are... Good luck xx

Answer 8

I do not think that major problems is an expression meant to help us, others understand your situation. Do not expect confirmation from others when it comes to your private life. Think it through and make your own decision. If you really love him, as you say you do, no major problem should stay in the way of your love.

Answer 9

take the time you need... if he terminates the marriage just because of that.. then the marriage wasn't going to make it anyways.. lots of men love ultimatums if you do this dont come back they say but when its time to back the word, the simply dont.. you have to be strong and if time is what you need then take it.. he doesn't own your time... my husband told me if i get a tattoo he will divorce me and never talk to me again.. you know what?? I have five now.. and he still here.... the hell with what he say.. do what your heart tells you.. good luck.

Answer 10

7 words girl, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT U GOT TILL ITS GONE. trust me don't get a divorce with your husband, every body goes through there problems but you just got to keep fighting. If you really love him you'll try and work everything out whatever u do just don't give up, but if you think it is time to let go then there is nothing else to do but separate. just think about it do you really think that u should let him go.