Why do we hate our mothers?

Question

Why does my mother think that I should vacation with her and my father when they have belittled me all their lives and why can't I get over this? I try, but the hatred seeps. I am 42 -- should I now know better?

Wow - this surfaced 9 years later and the reality is that time heals all wounds and these wounds are healed! When I feel the negativity surface, I push it back down. Thank you

Answer 1

I think you need to call your mother and father out. Let them know that all they have done is put you down, and you need positive feedback from them. I mean, do it in a nice way, let them know you love them and want to have a good relationship with them but you are tired of their discouraging words. If you can get your parents to admit they have been harsh on you and that they need to be more supportive it helps a lot in the healing process. To do so you might need to point out how their criticisms have caused you to do something you know they wouldn't like in the first place just to rebel.

However you do have to start the healing process quick, if you are 42, your parents may not have that much time left on this planet and the pain you feel towards them now will only turn to guilt if do not achieve a good relationship with them before they pass. Try to think about the good things they have done for you and their motives behind being so critical. If they are like most parents, they want the best for you but they are a little confused on how to do it. Their parents were probably very critical to them and its the only way they know how to show love. They probably made some sacrifices for you growing up too but do not understand you needed more than just food, shelter and material possesions.

Not going on vacation with them might be a good way to help them realize that they might be too critical to spend that much time around as long as you let them know thats why, but this could be your last chance to spend a vacation with them. Stand up to your parents, but do it lovingly and focus on the positives that they have done for you and see if that can begin the healing process. If not, seek some professional help, so you can heal before your parents pass. Also it will help to make sure that you do not treat your love ones the same way your parents treated you.

Answer 2

I've been thinking about this for a long time. It amazes me how long our pasts stay with us. I am also in my forties and although I have forgiven a lot, I am still affected by the way I was raised. I think I will be for the rest of my life. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t overcome it all. I can and I will....of course with Gods help.

Don’t beat yourself up for your feelings. If you had a friend that belittled you for years would you still hang out with them? Logically no you wouldn’t. But because she's your mother and we have these ties to them you go back. You're not alone, we all do.

I also think that you being the belittled one probably don’t have a ton of confidence. I mean how could you? The one that was supposed to be your personal cheer leader let you down big time. But just because you don’t have the confidence now doesn’t mean you can’t start moving in that direction. Just tell your mother in a nice, non threatening way that this vacation is already planned and you'll be going alone. You hope she isn’t offended as that isn’t your intention and you love her. Now from what I can tell she will try and pull a guilt trip on you. She may deal the cards but you don’t have to pick em up and play. Just ignore it. You are 42 years old and obviously have a job that says you've earned a nice vacation. That’s great. Go have a great, guilt free, memory making vacation. And get some books on confidence. Can’t hurt.
Take care, you sound like a very caring person. You can get through all of this. This is just one more little issue with "mom" to go with all the rest. Hang in there. It'll pass.

I do want to also add that in my opinion if you’re in your 40's your parents are around 70ish? I don’t think you are ever going to change them, I think the changing has to be within yourself. Learn to dodge the bullets and "be a duck". You don’t have to take what they do but I also don’t recommend starting world war III with them over it either. What good would that do? Your mom will see that her child isn’t wincing every time she thinks you should be and she'll see that you are growing up and beyond her rude remarks. She'll get it simply from observation. What’s that saying? The best revenge is doing well? Something like that.
Again, go have a much deserved vacation! Whooo hoooo, let the party begin!

Oh and "why do we hate our mothers?" I dont think we hate them, why do we keep going back if we hate them? I think we hate what they do sometimes. I think youre on your way to overcoming all of this.

Answer 3

We don't. I loved my mother very much and I'm sure millions of other people do too. Why don't you try explaining that you don't want to go on holiday with them and have some therapy. At 42 you can get over this with help. Maybe talking to your parents about your childhood and the way you feel that they have belittled you would make you understand more. Could be they didn't know that they hurt you and would try to resolve the issue. Wish you luck.

Answer 4

Even bad parents,love their children and wants the best for them.Some mothers think that belittling and hitting a child,they can raise that child to a better person like them.My butt and my feelings took a lot of beatings on my formative years. The past is past. I thank god that I was not an orphan not knowing where I came from. As an adult I have compassion and love to my parents and understand why the act the way,the act on my growing up years.

Answer 5

I feel the same way my mother was the one that was mean as hell to me and still is..always telling me I'm worth nothing...she wishes she had never had me..i have a lot of hatred for my mother when i lived back home (witch i live almost 3000 miles away now) i did every thing for her and nothing never was or is good enough so i just said one day ull see that i am my own person and i don't need your **** or will i take it any more .........IE she did not even come to my lil girls funeral

Answer 6

This is an ancient problem. Look up what the Bible says about HONORING your father and your mother. It doesn't say you don't have to honor them if they are too critical or if you are too tired at the end of the day to talk to them. Heck, parents actually were told, in the Bible, that they had the right to take a son or daughter who was rebellious and who would not listen (after repeatedly talking to them), to the outmost city gates and have them stoned. So if all your parents did was criticise you, well do what the Bible says....HONOR your parents, and you will have a long life. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

It does not matter what your mother thinks. Assuming, like most of us, your vacation time is not unlimited, I cannot see why you would choose to spend your valuable free time with someone who belittles you. Sometimes, parents are bad. Some people who are parents should never have had children. So, cut the apron strings and get a life of your own. It will take awhile to grieve the loss of your relationship with your parents, and the loss of the hopes you held for that relationship, but ultimately you will be happier for leaving them.

Answer 8

talking as a mom myself, I do an similar aspect. I discuss those verses b/c i do not want him to augment up wondering the Bible is a correct historic previous e book. in the adventure that your mom is pointing out damaging as against, that is possibly to illustrate to you 'the different 0.5' that evidently gained't be regarded through church leaders. no longer b/c she's damaging. ***** i grow to be interpreting a number of ther different solutions. would not Paul say some thing about 'God isn't the author of misunderstanding'? And wasn't human interpretation that reason behind the Inquisition and The Crusades? shouldn't the Bible be a touch more beneficial sparkling?

Answer 9

After you walk a mile in your parents shoes then just maybe you will have a right to complain. You say you are 42 but you are acting like you are 2. GROW UP. And for the record we don't hate our MOTHERS.

Answer 10

You need to let go of the past. How long do you think you'll have them around?
I lost my mother when I was 16 and I still miss her and wish I could have a relationship like most woman have with their mothers.