After the death of someone very close, does it make you afraid to lose other people you love?

Question

I have a very close male friend, whose mother died when he was around 17. It absolutely destroyed him. I did not know him before but everyone who did says he became a different person, that he withdrew completely. When we started to become close he was doing really well and coming out of his shell i truly believed we were falling in love. But we had a bit of drama due to circumstances and everything fell apart. We stopped talking and he went seriously downhill, starting drinking heavily and really changed. It took him so long to open up to me and as soon as it got hard he was gone. Is it possible he has problems getting close to women because of his mother? He hasnt had a girlfriend and ive known him for years. I also know he is not gay. One night we spent hours on the phone and he talked about his mum for the first time with me and he said he was in love with me, (he'd been drinking) The next day he took it back and that was the end of us. Is it possible he did love me but was afraid?

Answer 1

Your friend may be suffering from severe clinical depression and needs professional help. Does he have a father, or some other relative who could intervene and assist him in finding help? I lost my own mother in 2005, and it was such a sad and depressing event, but I knew she was so much better off than continuing to lie paralyzed in a hospice. I took comfort in knowing that she was finally at peace.

Answer 2

Yes, he may be depressed, but what you're asking about is the cause. I tend to agree with you that the death of his mother has affected his ability to love. You see, love is a commitment with risks. The risk is that after investing so much of ourselves, we could loss the one we love. Loss is always painful, but the pain of a loss like that is severe, and it actually never completely goes away, even after "healing. " Subconsciously, he may be afraid to commit his love feelings to another close relationship.

You see, he - like everyone - has to move towards acceptance, and beyond that to affirmation. Initially, we may experience denial, anger, bargaining and depression. But ultimately, for our own mental health, we need to accept that the person is gone, that the time with her was good, and life will be good again. He hasn't finished the grieving process. Some people do this more rapidly than others. Some never make it. My own mother never fully accepted the death of my father, even after 30 years. It ruined her life.

If he's willing to discuss it with a counselor, he probably could get back on track. I'm sorry for your troubles...maybe you need to grieve your own loss in this situation and move on.