How do I get my wife and kids back?

Question

Xmas 2006 was the most devasting time of my life..my partner of 17 years (9 married) broke down and confesses she thought she did not love me anymore and wanted me to move out....after the usual begging and crying I decided to move out....she has told me endlessly that there is no one else involved and that she has no idea what is wrong with her as I have been a good husband, father, friend and lover...she needs space but i miss her and the kids tremendously...i wnt them back...she has had a very disruptive childhood..abuse and neglect...please help me

thanx 4 all ur answers so far...it does help, trust me....yep she is young (33)..i agree that her child abuse has caught up with her...specially as a court case just finished recently....i know she is also going through a lot of pain..alot of crying and lonliness but I have respect her wishes but at the same time i need her and my babies in my life...i agree i have to better my self also and become the person she once loved and confided in...thanx guys

Answer 1

If you had a good marriage as you say you did this is very strange. I would say her past is causing her grief and she needs to run. Give her space, arrange to see your kids as much as poss and tell her you are there for her to talk and help her out no matter what the outcome. You can suggest that you go to marriage guidance together but let her have time to think. I know it is very hard, going through something similar at mo, but absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Good luck i hope all turns out well

Answer 2

I'm very sorry for your circumstances and even sorrier for your children. The fact that you have moved out of the family home has probably made your wife happy, however, your children will probably be as confused as hell wondering if they have done something wrong.

I know you will wish with all your heart for things to get back to normal and for the family to be reunited, but it must be faced, not all relationships can be repaired. Therefore, you must maintain your relationship with the children at all costs. Because of that, I would suggest you moved back into the home, maintain a friendly, no pressure, no demands relationship with your wife.
Offering to sleep in a separate room if possible.

Understandably, that kind of relationship can not go on forever, at some time you will both have to make the decision to decide where the relationship is going. You will both have to do seek counselling, try to resume the relationship or make the decision to end it.

In the meantime (depending on the age of your children) you can perhaps explain to them that mum and dad are having problems, but in no way are these problems to do with them and that, no matter what, you still both love them very much.

As far as your wife's childhood is concerned, if she has not already had counselling, then I suggest she does so, the sooner the better. What I don't understand is, whether the fact that she was abused when younger has been a problem all through your marriage, or has it just started recently. Either way, don't let your wife's problems ruin your life.

I do wish you well and hope your family can be reunited and be stronger because of it.

Answer 3

I think it must have been building in her for a long time... which might mean she felt unable to talk to you...
& that she might have realised she is not happy...
& that she might be saying it is for reasons that are not strictly true...
I also think it is unlikely she has anyone else on the go...
but that she might be dreaming.... of a new... life?

You said "the usual begging..."
Does that mean there have other occasions when she has tried... to explain... how she feels?
& that, because of your reaction, she gave in?

She could just be testing you, to see if you will neglect her...
(in which case, don't neglect her emotionally!)
but... somehow, that doesn't feel right, not after all this time...
so... what would I do, in your shoes?

H'mmm. I'd still see my kids whenever I could! & make the most of my time with them.
I'd still send her a bunch of flowers when / if I felt like doing that...
I'd write her a letter saying you understand she needs space & you're going to give that to her cos you understand that she needs that.

It'll be tough, at first, maybe for months- even years? without her but you don't want to let the love you have for her turn into an obsession... so take it one day at a time... see what happens, don't put any pressure on her & she might just respond positively to that... when she's had time to realise what's she's missing?

Then I'd try to get my own life back on track... by... doing something else I'd enjoy... & I'd throw myself into that, to take my mind off her... & the longer the seperation goes on,
if she has not begged me to take her back...
I would probably look forward to meeting a few new women & playing the field, to add to my experience... I wouldn't tie myself down... I'd just aim to have some harmless fun, making sure they didn't get pregnant cos I don't need more entanglements, right now. I might even consider some training courses & holidays (with or without my kids) to inspire me.

What I wouldn't do is invite her to 'kick' me knowing I'm down, by rejecting me again, I wouldn't make a fool of myself & I wouldn't go to pieces cos my kids still need me.

God bless you

Answer 4

Sometimes when we have emotional anguish we hurt and reject the people we love and need most. Be her friend, be there when she needs you. I think you can both get through and when you do you will be stronger than ever. Could you perhaps get councelling together? Maybe would could take the children away for a weekend and give her some space? Maybe you could all go away on a family weekend but get seperate rooms? Good luck.

Answer 5

Give her some space.................give her some time.........it may b that she is going thru a moment in her life where she feels she may have lost herself. She will find herself again. She may also b going thru her menopause (not sure of her age)....this can send us women on a whirl wind spiral of emotions that even we cant understand so we do irrational things. Let her no u r there 4 her just b patient. I am sure everything will work out OK and you will b back with Ur family soon enough. I am sure everything will work out 4 the best. Good luck, take care and remember....b patient.

Answer 6

hi i am so sorry for you,i to have been in a relationship for 13yrs and 4 kids I've came from a crap background and have wanted to scream and run several times,trust me shes just in a bad place at the minute and will need you when she comes through it.like they say you only hurt the ones you love.be there for her and support her and she will come back, a letter telling her how you feel usually puts the heart back in place.but be strong for yourself as well, remind her what yous had in the beginning we all get in ruts and forget to have fun shes probably feeling caged in and needs a break from life not you,if possible get the kids minded for a few days and whisk her off for a few days of fun and remind her why she loves you.good luck

Answer 7

i would try to court her again. some times life just get boring. put if you get her back keep up courting her. call her during the day. send a card or tack a note to her car that you are thinking of her. use you brain and think of little things. make her a pack of coupons she can use. etc. wash her car. vac. the floor, take kids a extra day. treat her to the beauty shop. they don't all have to cost money just little things for her. hope all works out for you. good luck

Answer 8

First of all big big mistake you moving out of the house. You should have just had her move to another bedroom. Move back in, you have every right. Be the best dad to your children and be polite to her. Let her work out her own problems. She is a big girl and you can't make her happy.
Move back in now, it is not good to leave your children alone with someone who doesn't have her act together.
(I bet in her mind she thinks you have abandoned her, even though she is the one that told you to go. In her mind the fact you left proves that you don't love her, no matter what she said)

Answer 9

Dude, I have great news for you. You can indeed win her back. I strongly encourage you to read a book called the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

You wife's love tank is on empty and needs refilling. Once you learn how she receives love and modify the way you give it so she can receive it from you, you will be well on your way back into her heart.

Take heart brother, you can win her back!!

Answer 10

In my experience (and this is just my limited experience with divorced parents, siblings and friends) a woman doesn't put a man out after 17 years unless she's thinks she's got the next man lined up. Sorry. If she's not cheating, I'd be surprised. And if she's not, it's a matter of weeks until she finds someone online.

And 17 years seems to be an awfully long time for childhood issues to suddenly raise up and need attention.

The only thing I could suggest is counseling and prayer. Accepting Jesus Christ as Lord saved my marriage.