Teen marriage & baby makes three....?

Question

It has been suggested that my pregnant daughter & father of the baby (both 17) MARRY so that they can receive the benefit of state funded programs that help with housing, cash aid, food stamps, and MediCal. She primarily wants out on her own & away from me. (Her mouth writes checks her butt can't cash.) While I don't think this a good solution, after everything that we have been through, it may be the only solution. It does however benefit me if I am no longer financially resp. and she is able to get help. Would that solution actually abdicate me from any financial resp. even though she is still a minor? Do not think that I don't care. Trust me, I have literally torn my heart inside out trying to help her but she pretty much just spits in my face. Any help ie; Life experience or professional license would help.

Thank u to the people who realize that this is a complicated matter--maybe too much for this forum. Good points have been raised and I thank you for them all.

Answer 1

Let your daughter live her life and make her own mistakes. She won't listen to you anyway.

Answer 2

Well ummm,,,
Im not a profeesional or liscensed but I would say to you is to talk to your daughter at a good time when your both in an ok mood... then tell her that you love her, and tell her all the choices she could make, that its not too late to do something about her life, and how you literally torn your heart inside out trying to help because you love her,,,,

and if you did she would know (she might get a little hostile but be prepared because at first she might not want to listen but she will if you comfort her in a way that she feels secure)


Then tell her when you know she's listening the way you felt when had her as your little girl and tell her all that she has accomplished like what she's good at, any awards and more... and how that can become a future for her and also her family to be....

Now tell her that she realizes that she's pregnant bring a new life in this world and how she and her husband will be making an example to the baby...
then ask her how is she what is she going to do for her kid... like is she going to be this and that and stuff..( and make sure that you listen so she feels like you two are having a conversation and not a lecture....

And from there you two just talk and talk untill you have a connection and so she can see what she's doing and to make wiser choices... and you also can see what she feels and what kind of plan she's doing....

little by little your educating her with her not noticing.... untill you two are finshed... and when your done just give her a nice hug and tell her "i love u no matter what happens"....

Ohh... and mariage is not a solution to anything like this... so ask her if she's 100% sure she loves this guy and ask her how is he going to support her and the baby...(PLEASE DON'T PUT HER DOWN JUST ASK POLITLY SO SHE DOESN'T SHUT YOU DOWN!!!)

And remeber there are lots of times when people feel like giving up but u should try to push the limits especially when its your daughter's future.... =)

Answer 3

i got married at 16 and me and my husband now have 5 kids and have been married for 8 years although it dont always work that way im sure this is a really hard decision.My husband and i have had a hard life but we are stable now and doing good. If she gets married you will no longer be responsibile for her she will be on her own. I know she thinks she knows it all just like I did but its not as easy as it sounds and she will realize that and come back to you for help over and over again especially after she is a mom. and even if she dont get married you could take her to the public aid office and she could get the medical card and the food stamp for her self and the baby. It is really hard to get cash assistace and housing though because they make you get a job and then after you get a job u usually dont qualify there is als a wic program that pays for all of the formula and stuff it is through the health department and sometimes churches and a place called community action will help you with the deposit on a house but let your daughter know that it is really hard to get anybody to rent to someone that is under 18 unless they have a cosigner we had to stay at my husbands mom and dads for a year until my husband turned 18. I wish i could help you more if you have any more questions write to me at [e-mail] or if you want your daughter to talk to me i would be glad to tell her just how hard it is i hope this helps nikki

Answer 4

I think she should see a therapist. If she is 17, has no money, plans to marry someone shes been with for probably 6 months, she shouldn't have chosen to keep the child anyway. I had a baby when I was 19 and I could barely make do, and my mother helped me out so I can still go to school and be able to support MY family. If your daughter really wants to be on her own and you do not want to not pay for her then plan on her having some major issues in the future. I've seen it happen too many times

Answer 5

If she gets married then she is considered an adult in the eyes of the law and you are NO longer responsible for her. Some states you can get married at 16, thats considered legal age. (some states need parents consent). If she gets married and moves out, make sure you don't co-sign for anything, or give her money. You don't need to be liable for anything. (sound's like shes had more than she needs anyway...) If things don't work out, you can't let her back in the house, or else it starts all over again. So once she's out, make sure she stays out. Don't babysit unless you charge her. If shes getting money from the state for having a baby, then she needs to realize she has to take care of that baby, herself...which means spending money on a babysitter.
(I'm not gonna comment on the babies father...they both knew what they were doing and he's either gonna make the best of it and get a job, or run away. Neither of which you can do anything about.)

Good luck !!!

Answer 6

I'm so sorry to hear that. I was 17 and preg. too. I'm now married to someone other than the father. My husband adopted my daughter and we have 2 other kids together, so it can work. She can still get on medicaid and food stamp and WIC even if she lives with you. Once she has the baby, she's considered "head of house" to the gov. Even if she's living with you. I got all that living with my parents, so I know it's true. Marriage is never a solution to getting pregnant. It just would make things worse (esp. to do it for financial reasons). However, if your daughter wants to be on her own, try to see if she'll stay till after the baby comes and go from there. It's much harder when the baby arrives, and she may need your help more than ever. I'm sorry for your heartache, good luck to you all.

Answer 7

I do not think that getting married for food stamps and other state benefits is a good idea. I don't know what the state guidelines are where you live, but in most a single parent can get benefits. Maybe even more benefits that a married couple because of the income difference. She needs to think about what is best for the baby, but if she is so disrespectful to you I doubt she will.

Good luck.

Answer 8

I was married at 17. My parents were clear of any and all financial responsibilities because since they signed for me to get married, their signatures pretty much said that I am now an adult and responsible for myself. Getting married at that age is like being emancipated. If she gets arrested, she won't go to kiddie jail, she will go to big girl jail because she won't be seen as a minor in the eyes of that part of the law. She still won't be able to buy cigarettes or drink but she can do a lot of the things adults do.
Please let her know how hard it is to be out on your own and to be married at such a young age. I am now 19 and already in the middle of a divorce. When couples marry young, statistics show that they usually don't last a year. If I could go back, I definitely would have waited to get married. I was just in such a hurry to grow up. I went from hanging out with my friends to working and going to high school full time, paying bills, buying groceries, and cleaning house. Being a wife is like being a mother, it's a full time job. I had no time for myself because all of my time was spent going to school, working and taking care of my husband. I did manage to graduate just by the skin of my teeth. My husband turned out to be very abusive and on some days wouldn't let me go to school or work because he felt the house wasn't clean enough. Things change so much after marriage. Marriage is something you really need to be mature for. I thought I was ready, but I was wrong and I wish that I would have waited. Marriage takes a lot of work, and I learned that the hard way.
Good luck to you and your daughter. I hope she makes the right decision. Just because she is a mommy now doesn't mean that she has to give up her childhood completely.

Answer 9

Wow what a tough question. While I think it is admerable that they are considering marriage, If it is unlikly to work, or if they are getting married only for the baby, and not because they love each other. I would say dont get married. It is no benifit for the baby if its parents are unhappy. I am in Canada and I know that our systems are different, but doesnt being a single mother entitle you to some funding anyways? Up here if you are a single mother you can get welfare, and you medical and emergency dental is covered for you. You can only stay on it until your child is 5, or in school I think, but really helps ppl in this kind of situation. I would continue to see if there are any other options other than her rushing into marriage. I hope things work out.

Answer 10

She is now grown to a point where she has no idea whats in store of her and i would let her go and let her learn for herself..my sister i took care of her when are mother died and she couldn't wait to be on her own and i had to let her go now she living house to house does you daughter know how she going to get a crib a couch does she know how much a place cost each month to keep the power on water and ect you cant give that all to her because she want to do this alone what about a car so when she does turn 18 or him get a job welfair dont care if you going to school or not they want you off there system and after 3 months she would have to put the kid in daycare and she has to start taking parting class and look for work

Answer 11

once she gets married HE is the one responsible for her therefore taking you off the hook. i know this because im 17 with a baby. I looked into all this marriage stuff while still being a minor and thats what i found out.

but i wouldnt recommend them getting married if theyre this age... im soooo glad i didnt go thru marrying my babys daddy cuz a lot happened after the baby was born that brought out his TRUE personality. not to mention us girls change a lot after having a baby. maybe your daughter will understand you once she has the baby...?? but if the guy really looks like he'll be responsible for her and the baby then just let her marry him. her main concern should be how that baby's life is gonna be and if she believes life would be better with him then so be it...

and dont worry, she'll realize sooner or later how much you've done for her. i know it might be difficult for you going thru this and her acting the way you say she is, but just know you did all you could and didn't do anything wrong.... we teenagers can be hardheaded sometimes =[