My 13 Year old?

Question

What is the best way to discipline a strong willed child?

Someone asked for more information. Well she has missing assingments a lot of the time. I am a single parent of 5 and he is not very involved but she needs to be responsible for her actions.

Answer 1

Take privelages away. No cell phone (if they have one, most do at that age), no home phone (take it to work with you if you have to, she can use the neighbors phone in an emergency), no friends, no going out, no computer, etc. Ya know?

Answer 2

There is no good way, coming from someone who was a terrible strong willed 13 year old about 8 years ago anytime my parents disciplined me I would rebel even more. Try talking to him or her not so much like a parent, try to understand why they did what they did to get disciplined in the first place, what they did might not seem to be that wrong to them.

Answer 3

Depends on the situation and how you as a parent have empowered them to this point. First you must evaluate how you are giving power to this child, and then discipline yourself into NOT giving him that power. Second, you must be consistant with your rules and consequences of rule breakage. Third, I find that my adolencent becomes difficult to deal with after a long weekend of video games. This is just cause for grounding. Should he complain of having nothing to do, INSIST that he do some chores. Fail to comply after your suggestion causes video game grounding extended another week. (or groundings from other priviledges)

You added that it's your daughter..sorry, about all the HE referrals. IMO, your daughter is seeking your attention and wants you to spend a few precious minutes with her helping her do her homework. I'm sorry you have found yourself in a situation that you do not have any help, and that you have A LOT of kids that are needing your attention...but that's what being a mother is.

Answer 4

At this age the only thing that will effect them and get the message across is to take away the things that mean the most. Ground them, no TV, no video, no games, no friends.....They can go to and from school, complete chores and homework, and read books. At first it will seem like they could care less, at least that is what they want you to think because they do not want you to know that you are in control of them. Soon, they will see that life is full on consequences. If they choose to be stubborn, life will deal with them strongly. At this age, isn't it better for you to train them now rather than have the world break them down later?

Answer 5

i agree with trish on this one.My eldest is a strong willed child,he is 19 now and still strong willed LOL.
I tried the taking things away,until there was not much left to take and still he argued the point or refused to give in, give up on whatever it was LOL Someone else mentioned explanation,Yes,not only you expalaining what and why you want,what ever it is,but allow the 13 year old some space to explain her side too. It can be very frustrating.I have now learned from my 19 year old that that was the problem he had with me,is that I didn't appear to him to really listen to him and validate his position or ideas. From a parent point of view,with my own parents there was a winner and a loser and the winner must be the parent because they are the parent,but it doesn't always work like that.sometimes we are just plain wrong esp ecially if we have the wrong end of the stick because we are not listening,,just reacting.
I had to really try to find good things to praise my son about,even wehn that seemed impossible,I had to,because otherwise his life would have been one of constant disciplineand pretty miserable.So consequences worked for us.Not only did he get a negative consequence for bad behaviour,like losing a privalige but he got a positive one,like paying for the movies if he had been really great all week............sometimes really great would be just following the rules without an argument for 1 day LOL
Hang in there and listen to what she is trying to tell you.
all my 3 went through it and in the case of two it has passed,the 15 year old is still going through it a bit.
Regarding assignments,try to make time to help her with them,I see you have your hands full with other children, but try to make the time,even if its jsut proof reading to see wether all the criteria has been adressed and giving advice regarding research for it.I found iwht mine if I was interested in their assignments they got more work doen and 'shared" it with me.I didn't do the work for them, but I helped brainstorm and structure it and proof read it at the end.Try to get her to do a little bit of it at a tiem from the day she recieves it,rather than one or two daunting nights at it. If it's been a real bearbug to get her to do it, reward her when it's handed in. Some people wills ay you shouldn't reward them for things they are already meant to do, but if it is really hard for them to get motivated then I don't see the problem,it's still an obstacle she has overcome and met a goal,so reward away.:) good luck:)

Answer 6

Usually with a strong willed child spankings only make them act out more. Most 13 year olds out out for a reason.Maybe not having a true father figure is bothering her. Still, you are the one in charge. Be firm, but not mean.Try taking something away. She will put up a fight, but don't back down.

Answer 7

Do not listen to these soft minded people , I had the same problem with my 14 year old , the doctor said "A.D.D. ....I said Lazy , I took away all privileges ,and when he did not mind ,I wore his *** out with the belt, and I do it for bad grades , in 9 weeks he has went from all F's to a C & B report card, and his grades are climbing when he hits A & B he can have back his dirt bikes ,and all his other stuff , when I say took away I do not mean grounding I got everthing from his room except clothes desk ,and bed , everything else -gamesystems ,tv, stereo, computer all went out of the house and to the landfill ...his chores will allow him to repurchase everything, and he learned his job is school , if you do not do your job, you hit hard times ,and loose everthing . He even thanked me the other day for "jerking a knot " in him ,he is doing well and has earned almost everything back , AND most important he does not even think about slacking off anymore. Chances are you do not have to explain to them what they are doing wrong she knows , she also knows she will not get punished .taking away things is just an inconvience to a teenager, You are the parent make it clear what will ,and will not be tolerated. kids are not given enough credit ,they know if they mess up all they get is a talking to, If I screwed up ,and all I got was a talking to ,hell I would do as I pleased all the time,and would not care of the consequences, You have to set the boundary ,draw the line ,and dare them to cross it ,

Answer 8

The ideal thing to do would be to stay on top of things by checking her assignments every night and staying in touch with the teachers. Also, it sounds like she may need more individual attention. So, you could set aside special time for each child and do something they enjoy and really talk about what is causing the carelessness. BUT REALITY CHECK!!! You're a single mom with FIVE kids!!!! I'm sure you barely have time to breathe, much less go to parent/teacher conferences all the time and "coddle" each child. Basically, you're right, she's gonna have to be responsible...but you can still help her some. Try emailing her teachers often, that's what works with me. That way the communication can be at a time that's convenient for you. Also, there is a certain amount of reasoning you can do. Explain to her, in a mature manner, without bashing her dad, or placing blame on anyone...that you know it's tough, and it's tough for you too, but this is her reality....and she can either work with it...or work against it. Tell her you'd love to be able to spend as much time with her as you can, and that if she needs anything, she can always come to you. Tell her how proud you are of her anytime she does anything good. Also, remind her nightly (not naggingly) to double check her assignments. Don't generalize it...specify each class. She may honestly be forgetting things. Also, check with the school and express your concern. Tell them that while you try to stay on top of things...you really need them to communicate with you AS SOON as a problem arises. As far as spanking at this age...I doubt it would work. She'd likely think of that as a "little kid" punishment, and as a result...treat her like a little kid...she'll act like a little kid. But she does have a currency. Find something...phone, computer, etc. that she really enjoys...and use it as currency. If she does what's expected, she gets to play on the computer, etc. BUT don't be too harsh...if you take EVERYTHING away...she'll see it as an impossible goal, and may act out even more. My sister also uses a "chart system" to keep her kids organized. They have a checklist that they have to complete in order to earn their allowances. It works great...but I'm not organized enough to even get anything like that started! hahaha!

Keep trying. It's NEVER too late! Stay consistent and she'll eventually get it figured out. Just try to stay sane in the process. Remember, a lot of it's normal for her age, and don't beat yourself up by trying to have the perfect family. No families are perfect. You do your best and hope it's enough! Kudos to you for managing such a large family on your own!

Answer 9

it depends on what they did. They need boundries and consequences for thier actions but make the punishment fit the crime.
That's a hard question when there's little to go on. Just make sure they know that they are loved but you are not thier friend. You are the parent or caregiver and you need to be that FIRST before being a friend. There's such a fine line, when you want them to talk to you and trust you. Educate yourself and be sure to be firm. YOU ARE THE ADULT HERE. You know what's best. You need to let them know that,even though they may be strong willed, you are stronger and you need to outsmart this child.
Good Luck!

Answer 10

wow. that sounds exactly like my brother. best thing to do is limit or revoke their computer time and if it's needed for homework, sit in the room with the computer and read a book or something so they're motivated to do their work because she doesn't want to get caught misusing the computer. and if she misuses it while working on homework, take it away completely. when it's necessary for schoolwork, take her to the public library or have her write out by hand essays and things.

another problem we had was finally my brother would do an assignment, but either lose it or forget to turn it in. this is a really easy fix: either have your daughters teacher sign a paper telling you your daughter turned in her homework or email you, and if this still doesn't work, go to school with her. this will traumatize her, or at least she'll think it's traumatizing. this will hopefully permanently resolve the problem. because really, if you think about it, when you were 13, would you have wanted your parents to go to school with you just to remind you to turn in your homework? probably not.

Answer 11

Taking away prized possessions and priveleges hits them where they live. Has she got a cell phone? Confiscate it for 2 weeks (or whatever the behavior deems). Computer games? Not today. Going to the mall with friends? Maybe next time. The key is to be firm. Don't give in, and don't get sucked into an argument. If your kids screams "I hate you!", you say "I'm sorry you feel that way." and nothing more.