I Mentor a boy (heas a young teen) and his Mom is dating a new boyfriend. She had only known him for about 2 weeks and had him "sleepover" (several times) at their house while my mentee and his little sister was home. This isn't the first guys to walk through the door. I obiously think she is a little easy (cleaned that up for you) . I also don't think this is a good thing for the kids (especially for her daughter), but is there anything I can do? (probably not). I'm pretty sure it bothers the kids because my mentee seems more agitated when a new boyfriend arrives on the scene. Any suggestions or comments?
2007-02-12 13:33:46 · 16 answers · asked by benjamin p 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
You are primarily there for the child, correct? Although you may have his best interests at heart, and you may be 100% right, I don't think mom will appreciate your advise about her personal behavior. It's better that you just be there for the kids and offer them support where you can. After all you are not a family therapist, and you don't want mom to cut you off from the child because she feels you are judging her and sticking your nose in her personal business.
2007-02-12 13:38:21 · answer #1 · answered by true blue 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your job as a mentor is to be a friend to your mentee, not butt in. That would be completely inappropriate. Unless this boyfriend is being abusive to your mentee, it's none of your business. The huge majority of these kids in the program have many family issues going on, which is why they're in the program to begin with. Sadly, some are worse than others.
I commend you for being a mentor. That is very selfless of you. Keep up the good work!
2007-02-12 21:40:28 · answer #2 · answered by Ann 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just be supportive of the mentee. If you are married, maybe you and your wife can provide good role models for a solid marriage and the mentee can learn from that.
If the mom's boyfriend is not endangering the children, there's nothing you can do about those adults' low morals. It isn't good for the kids but there's not much you can do about it.
2007-02-12 21:38:55 · answer #3 · answered by Stimpy 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No its not your business to say anything to the Mom about her sexual behavior, weither its right or wrong. No its not a good thing. First of all you say your mentoring the kids? then focus on them and do what you can to make a positive influence on the kids and their lives, never talking bad about their mom. Dont think kids dont know how to feel about this stuff, no matter what age, or that they cant see whats going on, thats why the child is upset about someone new in the house.Not that you would do it on purpose, but dont make it worse unless you suspect abuse of any kind. You see people do make mistakes when raising kids and how you handle this will make difference in all their lives. Maybe you can eventually make some changes for her through her kids. Build trust in all of your relationships and with the mom if she will let you. Teenagers , especially boys dont like to see anyone around mom unless its a father, certainly not in the bedroom, it gets them very angry. But if handled wrong they will take their moms side in a heart beat, its protection. If you want to be around a while, watch how you approch her. For their sake i hope she gets her act together, once you get to a point you can talk and get to know the mom well enough, then see if you can find a way to let her know it from her kids perspective, she has to respond to them and if she doesnt then let her have it in a way that she can take it. But if she screws up and the kids get hurt then have at it.
2007-02-12 22:14:47 · answer #4 · answered by Bought & paid for!! 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Although you may not agree with the mother's morals, one thing I would strongly recommend is that you do not voice your disapproval to the boy you mentor. If the young man wants to vent, it's okay to let him; however, you should set ground rules for him and encourage respectful language regarding his mom.
I have had the blessed opportunity of working with troubled teens for the past fifteen years. Too many times I have seen an adult try to befriend a young person by bad-mouthing a parent's behavior. Although the behavior is meant to support the young person's frustration, ninety nine percent of the time it backfires on the adult. No matter how upset a young person may appear, their loyalty to their parents are strong.
Mom might be a lonely, scared lady who is terrified of being alone for the rest of her life. Try to understand where she's coming from and maybe it will be a bit harder to pass judgment. You may not agree with her behavior, but it isn't our place to condemn.
You are a great person to take time from your own busy life and give to a young man who obviously needs a positive role model in his life. You are to be commended for your compassion. We need more people like you in our world! God bless and please know that these things have a way of working themselves out.
Have a wonderful day! Annie
2007-02-12 21:53:34 · answer #5 · answered by Annie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My mom also had a few (and I'm probably being nice about it) boyfriends that we lived with through the years. I also didn't like it too much. Legally you can't do anything, unless you have suspicion of abuse. But being the boys mentor (applause to you for that) maybe you should find a way to sensitively broach the subject with him, see what he says about it. Just listen to him and let him know that you are a safe person to talk to.
2007-02-12 21:40:30 · answer #6 · answered by Brandy B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the truth is that the courts really don't care about a string of boyfriends, especially if they aren't dangerous or harmful, if they are law abiding citizens, there isn't much you can do. So your best bet is to continue to be a good mentor and role model for the kid and lend an ear and support.
2007-02-12 21:39:55 · answer #7 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
first talk to the mother in private say, i think the kids are a little bothered by the sudden increase of men in the home(its not like yer gonna say..the kids hate yew cause yer a hoe and yer easy) and dont make a big deal of it cause the moms not yer mentee then let the kids vent about it since yew really cant do anything about it. good luck.
2007-02-12 21:38:42 · answer #8 · answered by &d. i. l. i. hawt; 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
That is hard but the only reasonable thing you can do is be there for those children. Let them know that they can come to you if anything ever bothers them in their own home. Don't pressure the children to talk about it if they don't want to but let them know you are there if they ever wanted to.
Have an open door policy where they are welcome to escape any harassment or abuse from their mothers partners. If you ever suspect that the children are being abused in any way, shape or form be sure to report it to the authorities.
You may not like the way she lives her life in front of her children but they are hers and unless they ask for your help, there isn't anything more you can do.
2007-02-12 21:40:00 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
well do these bf of hers talk to them - like small talk , chit chat, or share some jokes - or does she invite them over just for the "sleepovers"? tell that "mother" of thiers to start acting like one instead of being a selfish tramp.
2007-02-12 21:43:30 · answer #10 · answered by phatso 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋