Life is messed up, unhappy, don't know what to do.?

Question

I've been married for alittle over a year, and am 4.5 months pregnant, i feel like my husband blames me for the unplanned pregnancy since he hates kids, i also feel unwanted and tricked to work on his parents dairy farm, as i feel there is nothing for me in it and that there is no reason for me to be there since they have always gotten along fine without me. I'm so unhappy cause he sees his family everyday and i see mine maybe once a month more like once every two months. And it hurts me knowing he doesnt want a family with me, and that everything he tells me i can do, never happens becasue his dad screws it up. I just dont know what to do, i love my husband more than anything but the farm and his family are driving me away, how can i be happy with them always interfearing and making my husband work every min of the day, and whenever i ask to help i get a big no.

Answer 1

Start saving all your money so you can move OUT of there.

Answer 2

Oh dear, what a dilemma. I feel for you. I'm curious whether your husband told you about not wanting kids before you all married. If so, birth control would have been good. However, both of you made this baby, not just you and he now needs to stand up to his responsibilities. Hormones are definitely raging in you as well which sometimes makes things seem even worse. Tell him, there is no unplanned pregnancy. Having sex means the chance of conceiving. Could you take some time of and spend it with your family, a little vacation of sorts? Do you have someone other than your husband you can talk to? Your husband may feel trapped as well. I know, my mom worked on the farm. My dad worked in an office and so my grandparents always interfered and complained causing my parents to fight because my mom wanted to help her husband, at the same time not disobey her parents. The thing is, once married, you two should be on your own, having your family alone to care for. That's how God intended it to be. Doesn't mean you can't help out the in laws once in a while. I wish you and your baby well. It is your unborn child you need to now think of first.

Answer 3

It really sounds as though there might be a need to move away from the family...too much of a good thing can cause a problem.

Understandably your husband wants to be there to assist with the farm, perhaps he will even inherit it at some point...however, if this is something that is causing tension between you and him, as well as the pregnancy, you have to talk this out before it goes too far and neither of you know how to approach it any more without the emotions getting in the way of it all.

His dad screws it up? Sounds as though there could be a tug of war going on between what his dad wants/needs and what he feels he owes you...he's split between the two and doesn't want to disappoint either most likely.

He probably doesn't want a child either at least not at this time simply because he doesn't think he can handle the responsibility and it being just a little over a year since you married....he's more than likely finding a child already as something of a burden...not derogatorily, just security wise.

In-laws on top of what you have already going on your plate, big stressor for you...hubby with a new born on the way and working with his dad...big stressor for him. Together, you are both stressed...the first year isn't always the easiest to get through in a marriage and throw in parents and new baby coming to that mix and you have a few rough waves to ride.

Hang in there...try to keep the talk flowing without the emotions getting tangled too much in there...discussions without accusations, talks without pointing fingers or laying blame, will get you through this.

It won't always be this confusing or difficult...you two need some time away from the mom and dad...try to get it, especially before baby comes other wise you may really begin to feel frustrated and trapped...not a good scenario at any time during a marriage.

Good luck and see too if you can' t perhaps get a few hobbies or interests in the works to keep you occupied while hubby works...hubby should also do what he can to make his time with you count. Dairy farms are huge responsibilities and tons of hard work...you have to try to get along with the business of it too because it is a big part of what your husband is all about hon and sometimes hard work has to come before the relaxation does.

Take care...you'll be okay, hopefully you can all see things from the others point of view too and get this close to settled by the time baby comes...hubby might be surprised by just how special becoming a dad really can be.

Answer 4

Be patient as much as possible. I was in a similar position with my wife. Once the baby comes along everything will change. Whether it is better or worse I can't say, but making a decision now would be premature.

Give your man a chance to fall in love with his child and then you can ask him to make some changes, pointing out that his first family and primary responsibility is now you and the baby, not his parents. When my first child was born (I now have 3 and 1 on the way) it was frustrating but my baby kept me centred and showed me a reason to ignore all the side crap. Remember, it is ALL side crap unless it is your direct family.

If he accepts this things will improve. If not, then you'll at least have the peace of mind that you've shown patience and given it a fair go.

Keep your head up. Bad times are always temporary if you keep looking ahead. His family will either accept or reject you, and that shouldn't be your concern, and eventually, your husband's either. Point out to him who his family is now and support him cause it isn't easy to battle your parents wishes all the time. But with a strong partner to support him and give him love, he will do the right thing.

Remember, noone knows what it is like to have a child until you actually have one. People think of all the extra work, but the joy that little baby will bring you will change everything.

Don't get sucked in with these comments of 'look out for your happiness'. They're rubbish. Your happiness will stem from your family being united, so work at that rather than trying to find a way to make only yourself happy. If you're unhappy, I'm absolutely positive that your husband isn't exactly rosy with excitement about the situation. Realise this and work together.

Answer 5

Sounds like u guys need to invest in some property of your own away from his parents. I would move and make sure i had some alone time with hubby. It will never work if you stay where u are. Talk to him about it, tell him how u feel. U are very hormonal right now, so make sure that isnt the real issue.
As far as the baby is concerned, he sounds selfish. If after the child is born he doesnt change his attitude about you and your new family, u may wanna get out of the marriage. Your child will see the relationship, and think its a normal way of life. Its not.
Lots of luck hun.

Answer 6

Leaving him is an option. You would then be leaving the farm and the source of most of your unhappiness, but you'd lose the man you love.

Planning an adoption for the child is an option. Just because you're married and pregnant doesn't mean you have to be parents if you don't want to be. Would planning for placing the child with an adoptive family take some pressure off everyone? Might it promise a better life for the child too?

Sticking it out as things are is an option, adjusting your attitude, concentrating on your husband rather than his parents. But the whole bunch of them sounds pretty controlling and poor company.

Answer 7

You cannot let his family get between you, this is the cause of many failures in relationships. You need to move away, find a different job or do something to get away from his parents. There's no reason to apologize, his parents are %@$%%$@% and if you get away from them for a bit things will get better. So you need to put your foot down and get away from there. This stress is not good for you and the baby. When your husband married you he put you before anything else, and you did the same. YOU might want to go see a marriage counselor because I can sense there are a lot of other things going on in this relationship. I'm really sorry you are having the difficulties you are and I wish you well.

Sincerely,

Answer 8

I am sorry that you have got into a situation where you feel so unwanted and trapped. I expect you are quite bored too.....I hope that your husband is willing to listen to your point of view, when (not if!) you find the right moment to tell him how you are feeling. You have as much right to spend time with your family, as he has with his. Perhaps you could go and stay with your relatives sometime during your pregnancy or after the baby is born? I hope and pray that you will have a voice in this situation, as it seems everyone around you is having a voice but you are not.

Answer 9

He sounds like a self centered spoiled brat. I don't believe in divorce except for infidelity. So me I would probably just walk out. Once the baby is born it will be more difficult to do and the older the child the worse it will get.

If your hubby really wants you he will break down one day and find his way back to your good graces.

You need to let him know that you are willng to work things out, but thru a councelor and in another home. Call it starting over.

Answer 10

Why don't you go live with your parents? It sounds as if you are very young. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you have to be married to this man and his family. Just be fair about letting him have time with his child when it is born. If he hates kids why on earth doesn't he get a vasectomy? How do you feel about kids? Who is more important you and your baby or him?
You can be happy...my gosh I can't believe how women think there is only one guy out there for them....Cowgirl up! You can do this!!!!

Answer 11

I'm just a 13-year-old kid so please don't blame me, I'm just answering this cuz I like these problems other than math problems.

Ok, so instead of thinking all this negative things about them, think about the positive things. If your husbands family doesn't like you, try to do something that will makee them like you better. Try putting a smile in your husband's face, take time to talk...communication is the key to a succesful marriage. Since you can't see your family everyday...well try calling let your family know that they are still important to you and that you do not forget about them.

I dunno if these are the answers you seek...but...just try looking at life in a different perspective.