Discussing marriage before the proposal?

Question

Maybe I'm viewing things differently than how they actually are. So from how I see it, 20+ years ago, the guy would just pop the question, total surprise for his future fiancee.

With how things have changed socially now, is it now commonplace for a couple to discuss marriage prior to the actual proposal? Would they also discuss the ring, finances, family, etc prior as well? If so, then the modern day proposal isn't really a surprise to the bride-to-be, is it? Because if it's discussed prior, she knows what's coming. How would a guy make it a surprise?

I guess this is kind of a philosophical/social question, but I am curious of other viewpoints on it. I'm personally for discussing marriage prior, but I am wondering about how it all would pan out as the whole idea of a proposal is historically supposed to catch the woman off-guard.

Answer 1

My fiance and I discussed everything, we even picked out my ring together. We are a couple, partners in every way, why should his asking me to marry him be a surprise? The DAY he asked me was "meant" to be a surprise, but I knew it was coming and I acted surprised anyway because he was so proud of his surprise (that's what you do when you love someone). I would imagine discussing it would be better for the guy these days, because it's less likely that he'll get stuck with an expensive ring when a woman he thought felt as he did refused his proposal. Communication is definitely the key and I see nothing wrong with discussing it prior to asking.

Answer 2

I don't really understand why anyone would want to be caught "off-guard" in such a serious life-altering decision. I don't feel that even in the past it was necessarily a "surprise" proposition - on the contrary, at times a lot of effort was put into "snaring" the right suitor. It seems that the whole "surprise" idea was invented by the diamond industry, and carried on in novels and movies; I don't think it reflects real life at all, neither in the past nor the present.

My husband and I discussed everything pertaining to marriage before we set a formal wedding date. We moved in together after 3 months of dating, and it was then that I knew I wanted to marry this person; it was kind of assumed that this was where we were headed, as neither of us is the type who would give up our "independence" without a good cause. It was no surprise when we finally decided to get married (there was no "proposal", we simply came to a decision together). The ring was an afterthought - we went out and bought a blue topaz ring that I've wanted for a while, and called it the "engagement ring". I don't know about the others, but I can't even begin to imagine how any of that could have been a "surprise" to me; I mean, if he asked me to marry him on the second date that WOULD have been surprising - but not at all in a good way; I would probably never see him again! However, when both people are on the same page (which is how it should be), it simply cannot be that "surprising".

Answer 3

It's quite possible the couples talked about marriage, etc., before the guy "popped the question", way back when. Just because it is discussed, doesn't mean it will happen between the two people who are talking. It's a way that couples can get to know each other, to see if they agree/disagree with how to raise children, how /where they would want their wedding/honeymoon to be, stuff like that. If they are compatible, there is more of a chance they could get married to each other. The surprise-believe me-still happens. The guy chooses the time and place and way to propose-to catch the gal off guard. My ex told me the month he would propose-Nov. I thought he would wait till after Thanksgiving. He didn't. He did catch me off guard. And nicely too. Hope this helps you. Take care.

Answer 4

Talking about marriage, views on social issues, political issues, and religious issues to discussing how you are going to raise your children should all be discussed prior to marriage. You need to make sure that you are on the same page and want the same things. This does not mean that the actual proposol won't be a surprise. The man will probably do everything he can to make sure that you are surprised on the proposal night (not proposing on a special night, but just an ordinary night for example). You will probably wonder a lot..."is tonight the night?" but keep in mind, it isn't the proposal that sustains a marriage, it is knowing that you want the same things out of life and being on that same page that will sustain your marriage. You don't need to agree on everything, but you do need to make sure you understand each other.

Answer 5

I think trying to surprise a woman in this day and time is a bad idea. Not only is it commonplace for couples to discuss the items you mention above but it's the second smartest thing a couple to do. The smartest thing to do is go to premarital counseling even before you set the date and plunk down a deposit for the reception. A lot of couples get caught up (ok, mainly the bride) in the excitement of the wedding and forget about the MARRIAGE.

Frankly, I think you should only surprise someone if you are absolutely secure in the relationship--and its not a question of if but when. Otherwise, it could be the man who's caught off guard.

Answer 6

You can do both. I would not want to go ring shopping or discuss the details of my finances with my boyfried prior to him proposing. Nor would I want to move in and set up house with him just to "try it out." (What if it doesn't work out? Then you've got to remember all those things when you're with your NEXT boyfriend/girlfriend.)

It's ok to let each other know how you feel though and tell him/her you could see yourself marrying them. I've had casual discussions about what I'd name my kids or where I'd want to live, etc. That way you know if you're on the same page. But if you talk about it too much, she's going to get anxious and be looking for a ring every time you go out on a date.

Even if you've talked about it extensively, try to make the proposal as spontaneous and unexpected as possible. She will appreciate it. No woman wants to feel like they coerced their boyfriend into proposing or that he just decided to do it because they'd been talking about it for so long.

Answer 7

I don't know how i feel about your comment that the proposal "is historically supposed to catch the woman off guard". In my opinion, if you are in a serious relationship, the fact that your boyfriend proposes should never be that big of a surprise, even if you hadn't previously talked about it.

my boyfriend and i have been together for eight years (don't get too worried, we've been dating since highschool and are only in in our early 20s), so of course we've talked about marriage...because we know that's where we're heading. once the relationship got serious, it was almost something we had to talk about, because otherwise, how would we know we both wanted the same thing out of the relationship?

we've talked about where we want to live, how many children we want to have, everything....but still, the proposal will be a surprise. Since marriage has been something we've always talked about, the fact that he mentions something about out future marriage is in no way a "clue" that he's getting ready to propose. my boyfriend has surprised me so many other times, know the proposal, though inevitable, will be a surprise, too.

Answer 8

My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage and i did tell him that i didnt want a diamond ring but as far as when he will propose i have no clue. He knows i want to get married and tells me i will get what I want but to be patient. So as far as when we will that will still be a suprise as will the exact ring he gets me.

i am going to have to agree with the others that i definitely wouldnt want to be caught off gaurd, its better to know what you both want out of the relationship as well as a marriage...for instance both of us dont want kids when we are married...so if one of us did and we got hitched or even just engaged before talking about this it would cause a big stink

Answer 9

It has always been the way it is now. Some people think it's a real big deal so they want to plan everything. Others just know they are in love so they go for it. Surprising everyone, including themselves sometimes.

Answer 10

Of course we discussed marriage before the proposal!