Save the Marriage?

Question

How hard should somebody try to save their marriage when kids are involved? My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years and have twin 4 year old boys. We have not been happy for quite some time, but have co-existed without too much complaint. We have decided to go to counseling and are both willing to try and make it work. But is there really hope of savings things once the intimacy is gone? We have not had sex since April and before that, it had been 6 months. My wife has never lost the weight from the pregnancy and still weighs about 75 pounds more than when we met. She shows no desire to try and get back to a healthy weight either. Am I just delaying the inevitible with the counseling?

Answer 1

There is always hope, provided that both will think, be responsible, loving and will honor their vows.

Now, the loss of intimacy is because one or both have let it die out. You know this. Of course that can be brought back to life as can love, if you will both do your part. Her weight and her unwillingness to return to her original weight is an issue that you are proper to address.

I would suggest that you attend counseling, but bear in mind these two things often hold true for couples in counseling.

Most counselors are nothing more then politically correct trolls for one thing. You will probably be considered the bad one for the most part.

Most women are not willing to listen or be told they are wrong about something and few are actually willing correct themselves once told they are wrong. It is too easy to replace you and believe it is all your fault.

Your wife probably has this storybook idea that you should love AND DESIRE her no matter what, under all circumstances, no matter what she does, how she acts, how she looks, etc. Now, realize that she would not apply that standard to you and she wont be the same with others, yet she expects it all the time. Not much you can actually do with that attitude, as life will have to correct it by experience. Next, realize that for the most part, women have no real incentive to give a spit if they are right or doing things properly, no incentive to give a spit how or what you feel or if the marriage ends or not. They usually have built in excuses and back ups and cheering sections in waiting. Just look at what the women have posted thus far. Women always expect to be given princess treatment, but they have no problem in finding fault in others. Trust me, if you became a whale, the women would cheer your wife to leave you and also say how you should simply loose the weight because your wife wants you to do so.

I think I would set down and simply write her a note, explaining what and how you feel. What you find to be the problems between you. What you find that she does correctly and what you find that she stinks at. Address how some of what she does or doesnt do makes you think and feel, how it affects you and so forth. It will not only serve to get some of it off your chest, but it MAY serve to enlighten her on how you feel and why.

Answer 2

A marriage is always worth saving. And if you are both willing to put in some effort it can be better. Sex it a big part of it too, but when there's no sex, that is usually resulting from other problems. It is difficult, but you have to figure out you problems together and try to not get angry or say things that you don't really mean. That can make it worse and I promise it's not worth it.

The big thing is that you have to tell each other more than just what you did that day. You ned to tell each other when something is bothering you and why without being mean or accusing. You need to tell each other how you feel about things.Say that you love each other and mean it. I promise that once the communication is better, then better sex generally follows. You can't be physically intimant with someone (at least comfortably) if you don't have intimancy in the other areas of your life also.

If you'r wife isn't motivated to lose the weight from her pregnancy that is probably a sign that she doesn't feel like it's possible or worth it. Espically if you guys aren't communicating.
I am going through the same thing with that and my husband agreed to go on the atkins diet with me and I have already lose 5 lbs and we've only been on it for 3 days.

I never thought it was possible before and now I actually believe I can. And it's nice to have support from my husband too.

Answer 3

She is just depressed or may have health problems keeping her from losing the weight. After my son was a year old and I had stayed the exact same weight no matter what I did that entire time I broke down and went to a diet doctor and we got it worked out and I've lost over 30 lbs. in the past few months. You should try everything to keep your family together before you call it quits. Counseling is a good start, most men would refust to go. If your wife is that much over weight then she is probably not feeling good about herself so she probably doesn't want to be intimate. I know I didn't want to be when I was. The more down she is the harder it will be for her to do something about it. Encourage her, offer to work out with her or watch the kids while she works out. Offer to help her find a diet and do it with her. She may need to go to a nutritionist like I did to find out what works. You are doing the right thing with the counseling. If you try everything you can and it still doesn't work, you will at least feel better that you did try everything. My husband and I started going to church and this saved our marriage. We started to see our own faults and work on them, and fixing these faults making us better people actually saved our marriage. It seemed when we focused on our own problems instead of the other ones problems we actually fixed them. With God anything is possible. If you and your wife aren't against church you should give it a try if you don't already go. I just wanted to share what saved our marriage when we were having these same problems, I hope your marriage works out.

Answer 4

Well I really hope you are not saying you don't love your wife any more because of her weight. That is so shallow. If you are concerned about her health then you should take that approach and maybe the two of you can start taking walks in the evening. My parents were divorced when I was a young age and let me tell you it is VERY hard on the children especially if the parents fight or the kids are put in the middle. If you feel you need to end the marriage you guys should at least go to counseling so that you may have a decent post-marriage relationship for the sake of the kids.


Besides if you are dreaming about another woman you are attracted to maybe you have already left the marriage!!! In that case its going to be hard to work on!! What do you really want?!?!?

Answer 5

You try everything to save a marriage, esp. when children are involved. You obviously still love her, even though the problems, to agree to go to counseling. Give it a good, positive try, and you may be surprised. When you go to the counseling, just be completely honest and lay it all out on the table. I am sure that twin 4 yr. olds are alot of responsibility, your wife has probably put them first and isn't caring for her own health and other needs. I would confront all the issues when you begin counseling and see what happens. There is always hope. I also like that you said 'shows no desire to get to a healthy weight' shows that you are in fact concerned about her health and not just saying your not attracted to her because of the weight. By what you have said, I can hear hope for your marriage. Just be sure to say what you said here, when talking about the weight, for her health, and also for your children's. She needs to care too, so she will be here along time for your children, together or seperate. Best wishes to you.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

Yes, there is a chance to save your marriage. But, you need to do more than counseling. You need to work together as well. It will take lots of effort on both your parts. Once healing begins, intimacy should start up again. But, that is something you both need to work on as well.

It also sounds like you have issues with her weight. And, she may be resistent to intimacy because she knows how you feel about it and she's insecure about it. That will turn any woman off. What you can suggest is that you all do something active as a family. Is there a park you can go to where you both can take the boys? Go for a long walk? I do that with my son around the lake trails. Or, to a play ground and run around with them. Help her cook and make healthier meals.

I mean, you sound really complacent. So, if you continue with that attitude, you aren't going to get anywhere. You need to be positive here.

Answer 8

Well, you did well being married 5 years with no counseling. My husband and I went through a very difficult period where I really did not think we were going to make it. We had a lot of tension over rules for my stepson, we had differences of opinion concerning sex and how often, I was unhappy with his seeming lack of care for the weight he had put on, etc. etc. The counseling really helped us to refocus on our marriage, compromising, listening, compassion....I had similar feelings that if we actually needed counseling then what the hell were we doing? I don't feel that way anymore and when things have come up that we have a hard time resolving, we go back and hash it out. It's not easy but it's really when the work of marriage starts and the choice of loving everyday begins. Almost all of us know where our faults lie, we just get stubborn about fixing them. Give each other a chance and a lot of compassion. NEVER stay in it for the kids, like one writer said, they always know what's going on. Sometimes more than we adults do. Do it for you and her. Love your kids. If it's over, then it's over and you'll feel better knowing you tried. Good luck to you and yours.

Answer 9

When I was a kid, my parents had a relationship like that. They stayed together for their kids. They were miserable though. They didn't sleep in the same room for ten years. I never saw them make any sort of physical contact whatsoever. My mom eventually died when I was 15 which was 4 years ago this last Christmas because she had so many health problems and it tore my family apart. So I guess what I am trying to say is that in the beginning it would be good for your children having the two of you both in the same house. However, in the long run it will just end up hurting all parties involved. And I understand that divorce is a scary, ugly thing for a family to go through but sometimes it just needs to happen so that you aren't having these intimacy problems for the rest of your life.

Answer 10

Everyone knows that after having a baby woman's body shape changes so keep that in mind before u marry her!
& 2nd is yes there's still hope if u willing to get together if u don't even want to be together nobody can help u not even the counseling.
Try this for for a nice romantic dinner with her where she likes to with u & there tell her with all the efection u've had for her that how much u love & care for her ( & u want to help her to get back in shape not that u don;t like her anymore but u liked that woman better who she was b4 she gave birth) .
Marriage isn't a play u know try ur best & after everything if this doesn't work then give some other thoughts like counseling & stuff 1st be ur own doctor.
Really it doesn't look that bad hang in there & try to save ur relationship with her.