What should I do and what should my husband do?

Question

My husbands ex wife is putting his kids in the middle of everything. She wants more money and refuses to work with us regarding the schedule etc. Anytime I try to be with my husband for the kids she becomes enraged and causes major problems. She is very controlling and my husband and I tried to be nice and keep her out of the picture but its like my husband has two wives. He dont like confirtations and wants things to resolve in a nice manner. How do we do this with someone like this? Shes always finding reasons to call and emails and texts. Some things are not about the money, kids, schedule. My husband thinks I have the problem and Im trying to control him. His kids are not allowed to talk to me when she is around. I have lost my sanity and my marriage is on its thread of hope. I dont feel like Im his wife. Hes a people pleaser. A very good guy. Too good. Im not afraid to get mean. The kids and me are in the middle. HELP!!!!!!!

Answer 1

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do but sit back and let him take it from her. He will soon get fed up with her and tell her off. My husbands ex-wife is just like her and he is just like your husband and I am just like you. I have no problem telling her where to go and he tells me to let him handle things and she tells him how to handle it. I said fine, he can handle her. He got so fed up with her that he actually stood up to her (in his way) sort of nice but firm. I would have let her have it. He told her he was not married to her anymore and he wanted to be cordial in front of the kids but she had no right telling him how to live his life and what goes on at our house stays at our house. Your husband will have to get to that point also before he looks at the whole picture and sees you not there with him. Just go about your business and leave him to her. He will see and turn to you. His ex wife even drills the kids when we take them home. She will ask who called and what they wanted. She gets mad if I am in the car when he picks them up or drops them off. But yet it is OK for her to do things. So I definitely feel ya, and as hard as it was for me to step back, that's what you are going to have to do.

Answer 2

I feel that you need to think about this from a woman's perspective.
Imagine having to face your ex and his new woman. Regardless of how terrible things may have been, at one time love was there.
A strong love that created children. Now the woman is betrayed for whatever the reason that caused the divorce... You are in the picture, probably getting the guy that she begged him to be so many years. How do you NOT resent that?
This is where you step in and RELATE to her feelings. I mean seriously for this to even work, you HAVE to RELATE with her in some way, but by no means comparing stories. Find a common interest and build a friendship based on TRUST and MEAN IT.
Let her know that you are not looking to take over her role as MOM, you are merely the new wife and happen to be a step mom. You chose this.
Either end it by divorcing him or except it by dealing with his ex wife's resentment. I'm sure there is someone, somewhere that you resent from your past. Relate with her and before you know it, you two will be emailing each other the kid's schedule.
By all means, don't be a b*tch to her or the kids. You married a package!

Answer 3

First and foremost, tell your husband your feelings. You say you are not afraid to get mean... but I'm afraid you'll have to get mean with your husband. If his ex is calling and texting and emailing then it's because your husband hasn't told her to stop. Tell him that he MUST, for the future of your marriage, tell his ex not to talk to him unless is has to do specifically with the kids and then the conversations need to be short and to the point. Secondly, get out the divorce decree and then follow it to the letter for visitations and such. Deviation from this schedule will cause conflicts. Thirdly, shen the 'kid transfer' happens it should be short and with little or no interaction between any of the adults other that what is absolutely necessary to allow for a smooth transition.

You and your husband must agree on this issue and then abide by it. If the ex becomes nasty or cause problems or fails to abide by the decree, do not argue with her, simply contact your attorney and have them handle it. Ex's will always straighten up provided two things happen... 1) the other half doesn't let the inappropriate behaviour continue and 2)legal avenues are used to influence the ending of the bad behavior.

Good luck and I hope this helps!

Answer 4

why have not the courts ironed out the visitations already, if it is not an order on paper then she will keep screwing things up. when your husband makes plans with they kids be gone so the ex thinks you are not around, then show up when she leaves. she does not need to know you are there, your husband is a spin-less, ball less man, the money she gets in set in divorce papers?yes so she gets no more than that, tell her to shut up. go to court on the visitations and money.
After i was divorced my ex got a good paying job, and when i found out about it, i went to court and got more child support, if your husband is not making much this amount could be lowered and then what would she do. so maybe a lawyer should be contacted.

Answer 5

First of all, your husband has to stand his ground and put his foot down, where his X is considered. Being on good speaking terms for the sake of the children is one thing, but you are their Step Mother now. The kids will never respect you as such if your husband doesn't stop trying to be the nice guy, and put his X in her place where you are concerned. He is married to you now, and being unfair to you if he allows her to treat you badly, or say ugly things about you especially around the kids. Also he does NOT need to have any contact with your X about anything other than your kids. She needs to move on and is not as long as her X is still making himself convenient to her...

Answer 6

I feel bad for you. The thing is, as long as his children are minors she will be part of the picture and also your husband needs to put an end to this madness. You need to talk to him and make him put his foot down. I understand he wants things to be resolved in a civil manner, but it seems like your dealing with Drucilla the witch!
Try talking to him about how your feel and tell him that you feel like he has two wives and that by him not confronting the situation with his ex, your feelings are being put aside. Remember he wants to see his kids and maybe he feels by dealing with her, that keeps him close to his kids.
Aside from him not seeing or dealing with his kiids,your husband is going to have to find a way to get this prolbem under control. Good Luck!

Answer 7

Take yourself out of the middle. Refuse to make any decisions regarding the kids, dont go along if the ex wife is involved. Dont talk to the ex wife , just say "you will need to speak to xxxxxxxxxx about that".

Make it clear to him that YOU are now his wife and he needs to deal with you first, kids second and ex wife third.

You should go back to family court on visitation. Suggest that the schedule needs to be kept and that you need a supervised exchange of the kids.

You might consider a restraining order against the ex wife. No phone calls and any issues through your lawyer.

Answer 8

Do not stoop down to her level. This is the lesson I learned with my husbands ex. She was the same as what you're describing. Get a mediator, get some counseling for you and hubby. This woman is playing the game and she knows how to do it - just like my husbands ex. He needs to stand strong. My husband hated making his ex mad because he knew she'd start with her rages and calling him at work, etc. but eventually he did get a spine and when he did and told her how things we're going to change she quit her crap. We found out she had mental issues and is now on meds so that helps. But don't get mean with her, do not let her bring you down to that level. Be the bigger person and try to resolve things through mediation and counseling for you and hubby.

Take Care, I know how it feels,
Tori

Answer 9

Try some counseling...

Maybe he can't completely understand how you feel because he is battling a lot from her.....

And if she is stressing him out...the only one that he has immediate control over is you...and you have got to find someone that can help mediate the issues that you all are having....

I also find it a comfort to dig into my relationship with God when outside people are a conflict to my marriage....

Maybe that will help give you some comfort and direction.....

Answer 10

She is afraid of you replacing her and doesn't want to share her children with YOU. Try to understand, maybe you can try to slowly start talking with her on your own and let her know that you aren't her kids mom and never will be but that you want to be their friend and want the same good things for them as she does. Maybe try becoming her friend. My mom and stepmom were hateful for years and I know first hand why. They are now friends and even have lunch together sometimes. Please don't be afraid to try, right now you look like the bad guy especially to the kids.