How can I become a good woman?

Question

My husband blames me for everything that is wrong in our marriage and it's really putting a lot on my shoulders.
I'll be 31 tomorrow and I've been married to my husband since I have been 20. I became a mother at 21 and we were married before I was pregnant. This is my first marriage and my husband's second. The first marriage lasted 11 months and she cheated within the circle of friends after thinking he was doing it...
He is 33, works in construction, plays the drums obsessivly and golfs even when we can't afford it.
I am a stay at home mom of 3 girls ages 2, 6 and 10. All very smart, my oldest is in the gifted and talented despite being within a bad marriage.
My husband started drinking very heavy early in the marriage, within months, and with that came insults, nights gone and eventually his own group of friends. The put downs were almost instant and he would compare me to other men's wives in sexual ways. He also tends to always find the sleezy people to hang around. He is an attractive man but yet so dumb on many levels. I would never ever call him out on it, but sometimes having a conversation with him is like talking to my own children.
However, that being said, he is not book smart, but he is very skilled in his trade and he learns physical things quickly.
I like a challenge intellectually, but have deprived myself of such for 11 years now, and the only thing he will EVER talk to me about is his loves which are the drums and golf, both of which I have learned to love and know about in every aspect.
If I try to talk about my screenwriting or novel writing or show him a quilt I just made or a dress I just made he will not hear me...
Now he does eat my food and eat my baked goods without ignoring me... Go figure!
I also try to talk about the marriage and he gets mad and god forbid if I bring up intimacy, that is totally off limits! I mean, I have tried different approaches, like "let's discuss a fantasy", let's try this and that, and NOTHING!!!
He is addicted to porn and replaces me with it. I am SUPER clean and a sexy size 4 after having 3 kids and I like to look polished at all times.
I am talented, opinionated and intelligent and I am in no way materialistic, although he does say that I am because I feel we should be paying our bills, taking care of our health and dental needs and it would be wise to purchase a home instead of paying 1200 a month rent for another 10 years.
I pay our bills, I know what we have to work with and although everyone dreams, I am very realistic in what we can and can't afford.
For example... I feel I deserve a wedding ring, I felt I deserved him to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary this past January, and yet he says I am materialistic and want-want-want. PLEASE! Come look in my home, you'll see right away I am not materialistic, I just want our basic needs and a little extra would be nice, but I understand.
He on the other hand spends on golf, golf clubs, and drums and music stuff and xbox games... I spend on groceries, household items and needs and maybe an occasional movie from the used movie section.
His irresponsible ways and crappy bookkeeping now have him stuck with a 40K IRS bill, that is soley his.
And he just doesn't even care, he has an "OH, Well" additude...
So because of all this, I b*tch... I write list, I come up with plans and goals, and realistic ones at that...
Which is then classified as nagging to him.
Everything is nagging to him. If I ask him where he is working today?, That is nagging b/c he says "what are you my mommy?"
I ask for s*x and he says no... He also tells me that I am WEIRD b/c I want to be kissed and courted... HE DOES NOT DO THAT!
I've tried! He will not take me anywhere, unless we are driving to see his family, to whom he trashes me out to.
So for all this waiting on him to settle down crap, I got cheated on 5 years ago. He helped a co-worker who was also married move and he screwed her. I found out by hitting redial on the phone. He never came home. I packed the house, (we rented), had no money, begged this man to come back, and went to his family thinking they would help get him back, and they took me and the kids in but when he finally came back 2 months later from living with that woman, he was so mean to me. Told me in detail all about her... Then started telling me he was dating and he'd like to become a stripper. I was so understanding b/c I was so devestated. He brought that woman to my home, he took my kids around her. She had 3 kids taken away from her b/c she was a bad mom and had custody of a 4th child by yet another man. I mean this gal was putting on the I'm lonely act as her husband serevd our country in war. She was not even attractive, she just happend to be available to my husband.
Once he went to where we were, I borrowed money from my family to rent a place, 6 months after we split up... He was living elsewhere and only coming by to screw me.
I went to work doing accounting.
When I got my place, he moved in on day one.... He treated me like a dog, so 5 months later I left MY place with my kids and stayed w/ a girlfriend... Well within 3 days he had a single male roommate and even though I called him every day begging him to please just love me and make our family work, he would hang up on me.
This went on 9 months.
He finally asked me back, after I bought a new car BY MYSELF!!!
I thought things would get better and 3 out of 5 weren't bad days, but he started hanging around single men, and leaving me home more and more and the drinking was soooo bad.
And I remember calling him one weekend when he was off spending the night at his brothers and I needed formula for my 2 day old infant, he had our only car, my car, and I had no money and he kept hanging up on me. I fed that baby warm water for 18 hours he finally came home the next morning at 11am.
I had no breast milk due to problems I had during my pregnacy with my breast.
So I left again about a year ago, this time I went back to where the affair happened, where my family lives....
I RENTED this house, well actually my mom did... He went to live at his moms, and she let him be lazy and encouraged him to go to the bars.
I tried to move on, but begged him again to come up here. Eventually he did 2 months later... But during that 2 months, it would be days that I would hear from him...
I've been faithful by the way, but I cry a lot.
I get very angry when he igores me and have resulted in putting myself down, just like he does. He calls me repulsive, no man would ever want me, damaged goods and more.
I hate who I am and it sucks.
I know I am attractive because I am aware of the men looking at me, but when someone picks at you and picks and picks, it becomes routine and I have learned to accept it, but my heart aches so terribly because all I really want is my husband to love me, by that meaning forget about the past, and love each other for today and tomorrow based on new ideas and goals and making our 3 girls strong women.
I thought this is what he wanted to, but now all he cares about is being some sex god drummer with a bunch of groupies or on a golf course or hanging out with everyone but his wife. I mean I am home 24/7. I get NO break minus a trip to Walmart or the mall.
I want to be able to get dressed up, go out with my husband and come home in lust! Or load the kids up and take em to the park!
We only leave when he goes to his families to jam, or if one of his friends suggest something.
Now he did quit drinking a year ago, but he did just say yesterday, "You make me want to drink"...
I'm sick of hearing this, I'm sick of it being all my fault, and I'm sick of him rubbing it in my face that he provides the bread for this family and that should be enough, I mean he told me yesterday that he never gets me anything for my birthday because I am repulsive.
Why can't I leave him? Why can't I get through to him?
WE have great kids, and we COULD have a great marriage if he would just include me for once. I've always been on the back burner and his doormat. I mean he tells me that I am not his mommy when I ask about where he worked or what his plans are.
When am I included? He makes me so crazy, I cry uncontrollable, I yell when he calls me names, and I just can't take it anymore.
Why is he so decietful to me when I have been so true to him and accepted his every flaw and screw up? Why does he rub his flings in my face and make me feel less of a woman by not being remorseful? Not loving me and not caring how I feel b/c I want to much, a kiss is too much? I'm exausted.

He WILL NOT go to marriage counceling b/c HE does not need it, only I do....

He calls me crazy, dillusional, etc...

Answer 1

ok...i had to re-read this. i will try to keep this simple. first of all...you need to find your spine and stick that on with superglue. because you are being a doormat to a man that doesn't want you. he treats you like crap all the time. he even cheated on you and you still want him? honey...no man is worth doing what you did just to be with someone that will treat you like crap. you need to regain your independence and hire an attorney and divorce him. second...you need to find a way to enjoy being in solitude. because it seems as if you are so despearte just to have a man love you that you are willing to sacrifice being treated like a woman (versus being treated like a dog) just so you can feel that 'love.' love comes in many forms. you can have love from your friends, love from your family. and there are plenty of other men that will treat you WAY better than this peice of crap. but you need to stop being a doormat. the only way that this will change and the ONLY way that you can even expierence true happines is if you regain your sense of independence, regain your sense of identity (as yourself and not as someone's wife), get a job (preferably a full time) get your own source of income and leave him and his family alone. nobody and i mean NOBODY is worth living like you are honey. wipe your tears, get a job, the next place that you move into...let that be your own. if your husband comes over...don't let him in. tell him to go back to that other woman or his momma's house. hire an attorney and divorce him. you cannot wait for him to change in order for you to be happy. you have waited long enough. why are you waiting for him to include you? what about your own activites? if you want to go out and get dressed up then do it. but do it for yourself. don't wait for him. you may never be able to get though to him. the only thing that may be able to get through to him is if he lost everything. you (as in divorce), his job, his children...that may be only thing that may get him to change finally. he rubs his flings in your face because he knows that you will do nothing about it. that's why he keeps doing it. and what have you done (except for cry and yell back at him)? he will not tell you where he works? oh my goodness. and you are still there? if you want to be included then you need to put you first. stop waitng for your husband to come around. make a plan and stick wtih it. you need to find a way to stand on your own two feet. i'm not saying all of this to be mean. but you need to take a good look in the mirrow and ask yourself if this is what you REALLY want (as another poster stated). and if not (cause it seems as if you really don't) then you need to take the necessary steps towards making yourself happy and putting yourself happy. if he will not do it...then you need to do it yourself. you have waited long enough.
1. get a job
2. move out
3. hire a divorce attorney

he cheated on you several times and you still stayed with him? i can't belive it.

Answer 2

I feel your pain and in no way does anyone deserve this treatment. This man is screaming at the top of his lungs that he doesn't want it be married to you. It is time to get an attorney and file for divorce for the sake of you and your children's sanity. Document everything and fight like a tigress in court.

In my case, my wife is suffering from depression and has M.S. and we have children, so I feel very trapped and cannot leave because of obligations. Your husband on the other hand is a selfish idiot and never grew up. You are 31 years old and young and strong enough to get this man out of your life.

My only other advise is not to rush into a relationship right after the divorce, but to wait and have time for yourself. Seek counseling on your own immediately to help cope.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like you're a good woman who's married to a real jerk. Believing the nonsense that your husband puts you through has caused some real self-esteem problems. I'd recommend counseling or a divorce.

If my wife did the things you seem to do for your husband, we'd not be in counseling ourselves. If everything you posted is true, have no doubts that you are a good woman and deserve much better than what you've settled for.

Answer 4

First of all, you sound like an otherwise intelligent woman, so it's difficult to imagine why you put yourself through this. I understand you have kids with him and you probably want things to work out for their sake. But right now what they are seeing is how dad treats mom and unfortunately they learn from it. Their future evaluation of men is in large part based on what they see from dad.

You say you'd otherwise have a great marriage, but with how terrible you describe him, I find that a little hard to believe. Perhaps you're justifying your desire to mend things by making him seem better than he really is?

You're still young. I strongly suggest you try to pick up the pieces and try to move away from him for your sake and your children.

Answer 5

You know you sound alot like me. My husband left and has been gone a month. I call him everyday and he says I will call you back and does not. Fri-Sun he is out all night long with his so called friends. I beg him to come hom and he says he dosnt cause I am begging him. I dont understand him. I Cry every day and have even tried counceling , but he wont go either. He also says Im the crazy one.

Answer 6

Im sorry but im not sure this is the answer you want but probaly what you expect to get - he sounds a worthless bloke to me and if i were you i would get far away you dont want your kids to grow up in the environment your explaining there, you know youre a strong attractive woman as you have the confindence to tell us so, so get rid and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are and love all your ways unconditionaly - life is too short to waste all your time and effort on a loser like that, beleive me i can hear your confidence let him hear it to before he reduces what you have in you!! youre mad to be put down like this!!

Answer 7

you must be breaking your heart there. listen, you've done all you can, you've tried for ten years, you have 3 lovely kids so you wont come out of this marriage empty handed. you are confident and talented, a good homemaker, well i could list many qualities just from reading your text. you know you have the ability to go out to work and support you kids AND to make a success of your lives. I'd love to hear from you in 2 years time saying how you've done just that! you CAN do it but you must be quick before he totally destroys your self esteem, you still have the confidence so get out there and use it! i wish you all the luck in the world. sue

Answer 8

Have you considered Al Anon? You need to understand that all is not your fault and you could use a bit of self esteem. Don't worry about the fact that your husband may not be actively drinking at the moment, you are still welcome at Al Anon. It's free and if nothing else it will give you some time to get out and feel good about yourself.

Answer 9

Lady - this guy is a jerk. If you are what you say you are, he's probably intimidated all to heck and gone by you. I would have been gone a long time ago if I was you. You need a real man who will take care of you. Not a little boy that wants to play and control you.

Answer 10

Leave. Period. Don't call him and ask him back or to make things work. Just leave. Even God himself would not be angry at you over this, he might be upset that YOU let someone treat you like this. No one can make you feel like trash unless you let them. Walk away and take your babies with you, and dont look back because there is nothing to see anyways. He is no good for you or your children, and thats who this should all be about. Good Luck