how do i explain to my 6 year old that you can't tell another kid you think he's gay?

Question

here's the thing - we have gay friends and our kids know that this is no big deal.
i told my son it's like when he got a crush on the girl in his class, some people get crushes on people of the same sex. it's just the way they are born.
our neighbor's son is his age, likes to hold hands and is generally more interested in "girl" toys. my son said he really likes this other boy, and wants him to know he would never be mean to him just because he's gay. I was like, no, you can't say anything because it might embaress him. so he wants to know what's embaressing about it if there's nothing wrong with it. ummmm . . . . . ?
so then i said you don't know he's gay so you shouldn't assume it, it's not your business. he said it doesn't bother him that people know he likes the girl in his class.
please help, i don't care about being p.c. or whatever, i just want to be a good mommy.

i can't ask my gay friends because i don't want to hurt their feelings or put them on the spot.

to gaylord, we have a daughter as well - the girl toys in the house belong to her if you don't want to help go away

to the last poster - i did not "peg" this other child as gay - in truth, his mannerisms are quite effeminent and my son prob. saw them as similar to the mannerisms of some of our gay friends

Answer 1

Okay well first of all I dunno why people are so weirded out by you talking about this with your son. It's obvious you have a good handle on things. And don't listen to the people who are getting mad at you for talking with your kid about it at this age. If you are an adult and you have gay friends then your kid is obviously going to be more open minded about LGBT issues and know more, too, than a kid who is sheltered from this very simple and basic fact of life. It sounds like you've handled things really well so far.

Keep pointing out to your child that just because he likes holding hands and likes "girl toys" it doesn't mean he's gay, I think that was a good thing that you told your son. Your kid will be ahead of the curve because he'll be learning that gender roles and sexual orientation are separate from one another. Of course he won't put it that way 'til he's older, but we learn so much as a kid that we can't put into words until we're older.

Another possible thing to talk about is this: I'm sure your son has already noticed that some of his peers treat other kids badly if they're different in some way. For example in my first grade class the kids were horrible to this one boy because he had a scar on his head from surgery where his hair didn't grow. So the difference could be anything. I think it might help to talk to your son about this, and point out that being different in any way isn't bad, but sometimes people can be mean about it because it's different from them. That's why his friend might be embarassed if the subject comes up whether he is gay or not. So being a good friend in this case would be to not talk about the subject with his friend or anyone else but you. And to keep being friends with him even if other kids start picking on his friend for playing with "girl toys."

You might also mention to him that the little boy might not know anything about homosexuality, and it's up to the parents to decide when they talk to him about it. So it's not his place to talk about it with his friend, and he shouldn't ask his friend's parents about it, either. I've used that rationale when kids who were told about the birds and the bees at a young age ask me why they can't talk about sex in front of the other kids their age. They were a little bit older than your son but they accepted the reason.

As long as your gay friends are close friends then I'm sure they wouldn't mind being asked about this situation. It wouldn't hurt their feelings. It might put them on the spot, but then again most hard questions about kids put people on the spot. :) So ask them, see what they say. They know the community and you and your kid better than any of us, so they might have better answers.

And please, never let anyone think you have talked with your kid about this too soon. I was six when I figured out that I liked both boys and girls! :)

Answer 2

Explaining love is never difficult. Inform him that there are all types of families. Some have two mommies, some two daddies, some children are adopted, some are foster children because their mommies and daddies can't take care of them. Children are far more accepting of all things--you have to be taught homophobia, racism, sexism etc. They don't naturally possess dislike or discomfort for homosexuals or for a certain ethnicity. Children learn what they live. How would you make homosexuals "look bad"? This implies that you don't really agree with it. The 6 year old will be accepting of this if it is presented in a positive manner and you show no signs of your discomfort with it. Afterall, the world is changing and acceptance will become more and more the norm (hopefully) with each generation. EDIT: Actually, I am wrong. Reef below is correct.This child is your cousin--I missed that when reading. You tell your cousin to go and ask his parents about it and you say nothing more. However, if this child was your child, then I would stand by my answer above.

Answer 3

Perhaps try to explain to him that this is something his friend should figure out on his own, without outside influences? I know, your son is only 6 and may not understand the concept and just wants to be a good friend. The important thing is to not give your son the impression that it would be a "bad" thing for others to think his friend is gay, but that he should be the one to figure it out and let others know- not your son.

Depending on the other boy's parents, either he or his parents might respond negatively to such an "accusation" so it needs to be handled delicately- otherwise your son could lose a friend, and the kid could end up mentally abused by his parents- whether he really is gay or not.

Answer 4

Just explain to your son that some people think of gay as being a bad thing, and you don't want his friend to feel bad. Ask your gay friends, they won't get hurt and they can tell you more thoroughly how to deal with it.

Answer 5

6 years old seems way too young to have this be a topic of conversation.
I think this must be an adult topic of conversation the 6 year old hears adults talking about.
My guess is if you did not have gay friends and innapropriate topics for 6 year olds to be hearing then this would not be an issue.
Not sure how to advise you except maybe censor what adult topics you discuss with your child.

Answer 6

I think its awesome that you're so open with your child. Children can comprehend far more than most people give them credit for.

My advice would be to tell him that these behaviors don't mean that hes gay. He might be, he might not be. Lots of little boys play with girls toys-some grow up to be great (hetero) fathers. Tell him that if his friend is gay, he has to wait for his friend to tell him, but I would stress that his friend probably isn't gay (he honestly probably isn't).

Just stay open with him!

Answer 7

firstly, i think six is way too young to even be talking about this.

second, i would steer clear of using the word embarassed! (it just has a negative conotation...may give your son the wrong idea.)

third, just tell your son his friend may not be ready to talk about it..and he should wait until his friend says something to tell him that he doesn't mind. i think that's the easiest way to go about it.

Answer 8

I think that you are being responsible, so kudos.
This just goes under the catagory of telling your kid not
call anyone names of anykind. As far as a reason: It hurts feelings,
and the Golden Rule.

Answer 9

Shame on you. Six y/o's have absolutely no concept of an adult relation. Why do you think you should push this on a child? Do you really think he'll keep this information to himself?

Shame on you again for placing labels on other children. What if you're wrong? A 6y/o child might just be interested in girl toys for number of reasons, and not you pegged him as gay? Kids grow up to match your expectations. Have you now led this kid down a path he later would not choose for himself?

You're a horrible mother!

>>Maybe the child isn't as smart as other kids. Does that give you the right to call that child stupid, dumb, or retarded? After all, this might be true.

At 6, every child just wants to fit in with others. Now your kid knows that he's "different". I'll just wait to that child runs crying to his parents because all the other kids are calling him gay. No kid has the ability to be discreet at that age. Shame on you.

Only because a child does something different, you peg him as being different. Kids change a lot from 6. You have no idea what this child will be years from now.

Shame on you!

Answer 10

You can explain to your son that if he really doesn't care wether or not someone is gay, then there is no reason to bring it up at all. Telling someone "I know you are gay but that is okay" is really saying "I know your are gay and it isn't okay with most people but it is okay with me".