My husband has not touched me for 10 years. Is it still wrong for me to look for someone else?

Question

10 years ago he asked if I minded if he had an affair. I told him I did mind, but I know he had the affair anyway and has had several since. He hasn't touched me since, we live as flat mates. He wouldn't leave because he wanted to stay in the house and see his children everyday.
A man has shown interest in me, is it still wrong to have a physical relationship with him, even though I still live with my husband. I haven't had a physical relationship for 10 years.

Answer 1

I'm having the same kind of problems although not to such a bad extent. My husband barely touches me, we probably sleep together about once every three months. Granted, he doesn't have affairs, he just has no sex drive! It's got me down a great deal and I'm on the verge of should I stay or go.
Advice given to me recently by a friend (also who has done counceling) was to live togther but separately. Move into the spare room, let him prepare his own meals, do his own washing etc. This aparently works as a shock tactic to make them see what they will lose if you leave. Try this for a little while and see how things go. If nothing changes then I reckon i's time to move on. I'm at this stage with my husband, just started the separate rooms thing. He has about a month or so, before I'm gonna have to make that awful decision to leave - it't the only way to keep both parties happy in the long run.
Good luck and hope it works out for you.

Answer 2

Honey, I'm surprised it's taking you 10 years to be physically attracted to someone. Oh my gosh, where to start? 10 years is an awful long time. Can't you tell him to leave? I mean, how long can you live your life like this? You've wasted 10 years with this man, when you could have had some sort of happiness, even being alone. Maybe you're with him for financial support? I'm not sure how old your children are, but if they're 10 years or older, they will understand if you two have to go your own way. What compels you to stay with him? This is such a hard question to answer. Normally, yes, while you're married, to have a physical relationship with another man is so wrong. But you're life is so not normal, and you don't seem to have a marriage. Why not just divorce and live like roommates? At this point, I would have to say, no, it's not wrong, because you need physicality to survive. God bless you, because you're one of the strongest women I've ever read about. You must be doing it for your children.

Answer 3

You deserve better than this...It is wrong for both of you to do it; couldn't you dissolve the marriage and work out an amicable situation with the children? The most important thing about raising children together is that you are respectful and considerate of one another; not necessarily that you are still married. P.S.- When your kids get older, they will know this arrangement for what it is. They will pick up on the fact that you're not in love. Do you want them to pick up on the idea that infidelity is ok, too? You sound like a loving, responsible person. You deserve someone who values that, and you shouldn't have to settle for a purely physical relationship.

Answer 4

Have you tried seeking counseling for the two of you? Clearly there is a lack of open - honest communication between the two of you. And to be honest, if you are asking this question, you are either seeking someone to say "yeah, sure go ahead" inorder to not feel guilty about your decision or "no get rid of him", somewhere in everyone's mind if they take advice from someone else they feel less guilty, but have to be honest, the guilt will be there eventually.

If counselling is out of the question for the both of you, try some counselling for yourself.

In the end there IS something wrong here - Wishing you the best of luck in your search for what is right not only for you but for your children as well. (Perhaps if you seek counselling your children will have a better chance at not growing up thinking that extra-marital affairs are not necessarily a common practice)

Answer 5

I BEG you: go and see a solicitor immediately and file for a divorce. Your husband won't have a choice about leaving - the house will be dealt with as part of the divorce, and if it's needed to provide a home for the children, you may get more than a half share. You really can't go on like this: and is this the pattern you want your children to think is normal for marriage? If you stay with your husband your children may come to regard coldness and infidelity as normal, leading to enormous future unhappiness for them and their children. Please, go and see a solicitor.

As for this new man, don't think of him in terms of just a physical relationship. That way you are likely just to get hurt even more. Take it slowly and allow it to develop in its own time. He is likely not to be the man you end up with anyway. Good luck.

PS: Listen to CurlyCute! She's right!

Answer 6

Well now!! I would say it's time to pose the same question to him... "Do you mind if I have an affair". If he says no, then do it. For the most part, I would never tell someone to do this, but what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If you have gone ten years without sexual contact while this man has had his pleasures, then I say go for it. When your kids are out of the house, it's time for you two to file for divorce. It is not uncommon for a couple to remain together until the children are out of the house. Sounds like your marriage has long been over.

Answer 7

Do you believe in God? Obviously you are having some doubt within yourself and need input. Your decision has to be the one you can live with the rest of your life, it can only be your choice. I find it commendable that you have not stepped out on him yet. Think long and hard, how old are your children? How do they feel about it? Or, does it really matter? Lots of things for you to think about. I wish you all the best!
I will say a prayer for you. It sounds like your marriage was over a long time ago when he defiled it, so now you have to let God tell you, that is if you believe.
All the best-

Answer 8

The problem with this is that two wrongs do not make a right. And of course, the possible legal ramification that your husband will divorce you based on your indiscretion and on top of that, take away your kids from you.

What you should do, is divorce him and get whatever you can get out of him. If possible, sue the women, too, for the loss of affection between you and your husband. Make sure that you get what you can possibly get from his affairs. And make damn sure that the kids are with you, and demand exorbitant child support. Now, when the ink on the divorce papers is dry, then go shag the new man. :)

Answer 9

Yes.

People rarely stay in the marriage for the house and kids (sad but true). What is keeping him around? Perhaps you two should get some help.

Regardless of the bad decisions your husband may make, you still are a role model to your children. If your husband is making such bad decisions, that makes you being a role model even more important.

Answer 10

Well, even though the marriage vows HE took apparently didn't mean anything, YOURS still should! If you want out, get out - he's given you the grounds by cheating. If he wants to see his kids, he can have shared custody - he gave up the right to be a hands-on Dad when he chose to cheat on you. Don't raise your children in a loveless environment and a cheating husband. Get out now and find someone who will love you in every sense of the word AND provide a chance for your children to see how a real marriage should work!!!

I wish you well!!!