What does this mean?

Question

EVERYONE LOVES HIM....my parents, my friends, my relatives....He is wonderful, caring, trustworthy, hot, great job, gorgeous house, genuine, would be a great father.....I have always been in drama filled relationships and FINALLY decided to get out of it after 7 years and this has been my 1st non drama relationship. My ex still carries his torch in my head for some reason. I guess its cause our relationship ended with me in infatuation over a jerk and it has been very troublesome for me to forget about him every day.
I took a 6 month break and then met my new boyfriend. We clicked. We both wanted to get married to each other someday, have kids together, and live in our "now" house FOREVER.

One day my feelings clicked off. Honestly, I woke up one morning after we were dating for 3 months and had come to the conlusion that I didnt love him anymore. Since then I went on some anti-anxiety meds and my feelings have been up and down. Some days are awful while some are great. When we are out of town I dont think about anything and have a good time with him, BUT when we are at home I get all anxious and feel like I dont love him anymore...I dont know why but the smallest things he does annoy me and the next day everything could be fine. I just dont feel as romantic as I used to with him. I still enjoy having sex with him and spending time with him but feel as though something is missing or I dont love him anymore? I dont trust myself with this relationship. Please help, I hate hearing that I am not in love with him anymore...For some reason people re-assuring my love for him makes me feel better?!?!?
Are there any suggestions and/or any way I can make this work? I want him to be the father of my children and my husband and be happy with it!

Answer 1

It sounds like you have a few issues going on here. First of all, you may still have relationship issues that are unresolved. Pain from previous relationships, possible trust issues or who knows what. But if so, you might want to go to a counselor that can help you with any of that.

It seems like you do what most people do, which is a big mistake - base the statement of loving someone - associating it with "feelings." The problem is, feelings will come and go in strength for someone. Most relationships start out with very strong "feelings" or emotions. A lot of people feel chills or butterflies, etc. And then when those "feelings" subside, they think they aren't in love with that person anymore.

Love isn't based on feelings. Love is based on what is true in your heart, mind and soul. It is what is left after those initial feelings fade. Let me give an example. You love your parents or maybe a brother or sister. Do they get you angry sometimes? Sure! But you know what - you still LOVE them. You may not always get along with them, see eye to eye with them, and so on, but you know you still love them.

Ultimately only you will know if you truly love this man or not. If you can imagine spending the rest of your life with him. Or rather, can you imagine not spending the rest of your life with him.

You should tell him how you feel though. Be honest with him that you are concerned about having some doubts. Maybe the two of you could go to couples counseling, and it could help you to figure out if this is the person you truly should marry or if he is just a great guy, but not the right guy for you.

Think about the wedding vows too... in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer... would you want to be with him if he fell ill or were poor? What about if you fell ill? Would he care for you? Do you guys agree on your beliefs? Goals? Ways to raise children? Financially? Etc?

If you both seem like a good match and you can't imagine your life without him, then I would dare say that you do love him, but are afraid because those feelings aren't there. If you learn not to base love on feelings, but base it on something deeper, then you will find if you truly love this man or not.

Best wishes!