My bf and I have been together for 2 yrs & lived together 1.5 yrs. I moved across the country w/him for his job which is now sending us back to where we are from(unexpectedly). We have been talking about marriage for a long time now, he just has seemed to be in no rush for it. I told him recently that I really want a commitment- he said that he didn't think there was any reason to rush it. I decided that I was going to move home a little early so that we(HE) could have a little time and space to figure out what we wanted before we move back to our hometown and move in w/each other again. That basically got his butt in action and he decided that he did NOT want me to move back before him and that we could get engaged/married. So, his mother and i went ring shopping the other day and I found a ring that I love& him&I went and looked at it last night. The thing is, now I am feeling like I gave him an ultimatum and forced him into this.
2007-02-12 02:33:43 · 25 answers · asked by hc 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I don't see this as manipulative either. At least not overtly.
I don't see anything wrong with say, I want a committment, or saying that you want to be married. If you are unable to express what you want, then it's not a good relationship.
Being a good couple doesn't mean you will agree on everything. However, it does mean you will always work with your partner/spouse to find solutions that you can both enthusiastically agree upon. Even if that agreement is that you will both accept that you disagree on a particular subject as your solution.
Perhaps the one part that is manipulative is saying you will move out in advance, to give him space. But even this isn't really manipulation. You didn't say that you were leaving him, but that you were not happy with how things were going and that you wanted him to think about it.
However, with all of that said, ask him, point blank, does he feel pressured to marry you. If he does, then don't let him marry you. Others above are right, he will grow to resent it when things go wrong.
He needs to be completely honest, as do you. You need to give him permission to say yes or no to the idea of getting married. He needs to give you permission to say yes or no to the idea of things going along they way they are.
It is not manipulative to say that you are not willing for things to continue as they are, nor is he manipulative to say that he is not willing to marry.
True freedom is offered when we allow our partner to disagree with us, and still love one another. That love may mean letting them go, or going ourselves so we can find someone who is better suited to be our partner.
2007-02-12 03:03:40 · answer #1 · answered by camys_daddy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's already a pattern, of like 1.5 years, of commitment. When you moved to be with him, that was commitment.
When you suggested spending time apart, it could have been an ultimatum ("threat") or it could have simply been a reminder of what you mean to him.
The fact that one of your first acts was to go look at a ring is interesting. Common, but very telling.
Instead of looking for a ring, you should have been exploring with your fiancee. Talking about what marriages means to you.
You should definitely do some premarital counseling. It's always a good idea. But, in your case, it's worth having the conversation about this with a neutral third party.
If you have a church or other religious affiliation, you can start with your clergy member. Or, a private therapist (a few sessions will cost you only a few hundred dollars and that's money much more well spent than a more expensive ring).
2007-02-12 02:42:38 · answer #2 · answered by Jay 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My best friend did something similar recently. She started a few months ago bringing up marriage, and leaving wedding mags around and pics of engagement rings. Then, her mother actually presented the ultimatium for her. They live with her mother until they can afford to have a home together, and her mom said to her that if she doesn't see a ring soon she will kick him out. Once my bf told her boyfriend this; he proposed engagement a week later on their anniversary. FYI they have been together for 3 years, but I still think that it was all of the hinting from her, and her mother's statement that made him decide, because he told my bf, "does your mom really mean what she said", and she didn't really give him an answer.
2007-02-12 03:35:03 · answer #3 · answered by Miss Rachel 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do people say "ultimatum" like it's a bad word? I would rather have one than not have one, myself; at least with an ultimatum in place, I know exactly where I stand. It DOES involve a CHOICE; it simply states outright exactly what that choice is. By presenting an ultimatum, you are not forcing a person to make one choice over the other, just forcing him to make A choice. He could have said, "Yes, maybe we do need some time and space to figure out where this relationship is headed." Instead, he asked you to marry him. Again, you did not tell him which choice to make; you told him to make a choice.
When I met my wife, she was still married, but not living with her cheater husband, and fully intending to divorce him. However, she had not yet proceeded with the divorce. I told her, quite some time after we had gotten serious, that I had chosen a date in my mind, and that if she was not divorced by that date, I was going to leave and not come back. She did not argue nor complain about this ultimatum of mine. Instead, she went through with the divorce. Later, she married me, and we lived happily ever after. (Well, 20 years so far!)
2007-02-12 03:04:27 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some men need a kick in the butt to get things done. All that you have to do is to thretanten they stability and that is all they need to figure things out. You did the right thing by giving him the oportunity to reflect on your relationship and yoru future by considering going back home.
You got what you wanted, now you don't want it because is not the way you always dreamed and envisioned? You have to let this go, it aight not have been the most romantic proposal in the world, but it got done, which is ultimately what you wanted, right? You can't control everything so be happy that is finally done.
Secondly, you cannot force anyone to make this type of decisions. You didn't put a gun to his head and twisted his arm, you have already discussed it and it was somewhat expected. You just expedited the process.
Good luck
2007-02-12 02:49:08 · answer #5 · answered by Blunt 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It does sound forced on your part...usually the guy picks out the ring or invites you to go with him and you look together. Whenever a man says he needs more time to decide - it's usually an indicator that you're not the one for him. Guys don't play around when it comes to marriage - when they know, they know right away and make the move.
My now husband asked me to go ring shopping after only a month of dating. I was 25 and he was 32 at the time. 3 months later he proposed and we've now been married almost 2 years, together for a total of 4.
2007-02-12 02:46:59 · answer #6 · answered by Rachel 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now that you are getting a ring I don't think you should have to rush a date right away. My husband and I were engaged for 2 years before we actually got married. We have been married for 10 years now and are still extremely happy. You really didn't give him an ultimatum considering you told him you wanted to give him time to think about it. You didn't tell him marry me or I'm leaving. Good Luck and hope all goes well.
2007-02-12 02:43:57 · answer #7 · answered by superstar 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was in a similar situation. We had been together 4 yrs living together 2 yrs. Anytime I would bring up the subject he would avoid it as much as possible and even though he said he wanted to do it, some how he would make excuses. It wasn't until he had to go away on business for a few weeks that he came around. He said that during the trip he realized just how much he cared for me and missed me when we were apart. He said that he didn't want to ever be without out me. We will be getting married in just a few days.
Look at it this way maybe the thought of being away from you has made your boyfriend realize how special you are to him and that HE doesn't want to be without you. Hope it helps!! and Congrats!!!
2007-02-12 02:51:59 · answer #8 · answered by bpatrol38 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Im interested to see the answers because you described my exact situation! We have yet to move back to our hometown, and I havnt yet said that I would like to go back first. The reason we are not engaged yet (i think) are because he is trying to save for a nice ring, he's the kinda guy that wants everything to be picture perfect, like how I always imagined it.
When you are your bf talk about marriage what does he say? What are some of his reasons for waiting? Whenever we talk about it he brings up wanting to be financially secure, and then tells me to stop talking about it cause I'll ruin any surprise.
Maybe he is just waiting so he can make it ery special for you, and you don't want to rush that!
I don't think you forced him into anything, I think you just made him realize some things and he decided that it was time. Why don't you talk to him about how you feel, say that you didnt mean to pressure him, and see what he says. Best of Luck and Congrats!
2007-02-12 02:46:29 · answer #9 · answered by Katie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You did exactly right to correct the mistakes of the pass (shacking up with him) However why did you not let him pick out the ring, or go with him? That was a little pushy. Hopefully he will be buying the ring and you will not have to chip in.
Anyways you are concerned if you forced him. Relax and enjoy what a real relationship is all about, not that house playing stuff you have been doing.
2007-02-12 03:24:11 · answer #10 · answered by lily 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋