should i tell the girl ive made contact with in hamilton canada the truth about my circumstances?

Question

ive known her for two years now online and we talk through msn. but as you will no from my other questions, i have an undiagnosed mental health problems, i have a low self esteem. im always picking myself apart. im 29, im physically ageing, i have two missing teeth, i live in a small one bedroom flat. ive never worked, i hardly own any possessions, materially. there remains alot of unanswered questions about my life. alot of insecurities. if this girl knew all this about me, she might not want me anymore....i really love this girl, im worried im becoming obsessive about her.. she might think.' i cant deal with this' or ' i dont have to have this baggage in my life, with all his problems'...then what would i do? i dont feel i could take rejection from her, i feel it would destroy me...she is somebody ive always ever wanted, i couldnt bare her not wanting me anymore...i despair because i dont feel i have anything to offer her except a low self worth &and mental illness..what should i do?

i would like to marry her and propose. but im wondering if i should? would it be right? i love her....shes not been on msn recently. i think about her all the time, wondering where she is...is she dating a fresh faced 20 year old, someone her own age...i keep wondering how will my life come together? how wil i achieve my dreams. i would love to emmegrate and find the life i want with someone like this girl. not stuck in a one bedroom flat in manchester on benifits rest of my life

shes told me that im a big part of her life in the past and that she loves me, shes seen me on wecam, but ive been carefull to hide my lower missing teeth. sometimes when weve fallen out in the past shes said,' well can we still be friends' and her saying this makes me think does that all she want? i love her and want to be more than friends

Answer 1

You don't mention where you are from...and the fact that after two years of online communicating you haven't met, tells me that it is a long distance from Hamilton.

So here's what I think. She is a vital link, for you, in this world. And you should do all you can to keep it that way. Remove any talk of 'being together', and be grateful to have a connection out there in cyber world. I have one, just like that, with someone in London England. We don't talk of meeting or being together...we simply communicate all our thoughts and feelings to eachother. And it is one of the most important connections I have in this world.

I wouldn't start dumping all your problems on her...although if you truly suffer from low self esteem, she has probably already heard it in your words to her. Keep it as friends...and that way, you can be anyone you want to be. And who knows, through your ability to keep those things out of the conversation, you may work through some of the issues.

Good luck!

Answer 2

The teeth are an easy problem - get to the dentist and he will help you out and solve that.

The mental health, I assume is the low self esteem? Well you can go to your doctor and explain that you would like to go to a group meeting of people with the same problems. This way you will learn to build your self esteem.

Material things are not important - you live with what you need not what you want - very sensible.

Sitting in your one bedroomed flat on the computer isn't helping you none, go do the things I suggest and then come back and tell us how you're doing.

The girl you msn in Canada may also have problems, she may not be telling YOU all. So get yourself together and look forward to a future. You've sat around too long thinking of what you'd like, how about doing something positive towards getting it now.

Answer 3

it might be worth owning up, being honest is a good policy, and maybe the love of this woman can fix you or go a long way to helping you pick yourself up, it´s often difficult to feel good about yourself once you get so low, but the only way is up my friend, if you´ve maintained a friendship for 2 years then she at least likes you, however she might feel cheated if she later finds out you are not what you say you are, approach the subject softly and don´t just blurt it out like you want the sympathy vote and tell her not to be too sympathetic as this will only make you more insecure.

Answer 4

I see that you are very fearful of how she will react and how loosing her will affect you, but then her not knowing and you being in this state of anxiety is not exactly making you happy either.
perhaps it would be alot for her if you told her everything in one go, but if you guysw have been friends so lnog, i'm sure she must care for already. perhaps you could talk to her about how insecure you are in general, talk about how you feel about yourself and take it from there. if she is really worth your love, she won't shy away. take it slowly and don't put too much pressure on her. hopefully she will prove to be a friend of the same value of yourself.

ultimately, at worst she will be unable to cope and will walk away - remeber this is not a reflection on you. her reasons for donig so would be her own - maybe she has stuff of her own gonig on or doesnt know how to help. whatever the reasons, they are her reasons and they reflect on her as a person, not you. it doesnt make either of you bad people if your friendship is unable to continue.

if this happens, remeber you have managed to make friends before, this girl has been with you for two years now, and im sure there are other people around you qwho care probably more than you now. If you let yourself, you can move on and make new friends who will accept you as you are.

we are usually our own harshest critic, and people rarely see us as poorly as we see ourselves. be hones twith this girl and trust that she will return your friendship. anything else is a bonus.

good look and take care x

Answer 5

Oh, Derek:-)))

The closer one is emotionally to another person the more valuable it is to be in integrity, to be true to oneself. If you deceive her about yourself and she loves an illusion, a magic-let's-pretend-lover, instead of Derek, you will both suffer when the truth emerges ~ you from rejection and she from disillusion.

What I do wonder is how far you might like to become more like the person you present yourself as to her. You can't change everything you don't like about yourself all at once because you'd be too scared to, but you could choose to begin a process of change.

You speak of self-worth, despair, obsession, ruminations about what it means to turn thirty, and to be two teeth short of the standard model, thoughts and feelings about the value of material things.... all of these are areas where change is possible. You, Derek, are far more, and greater, than the sum of your problems.

Answer 6

youve talked to this girl for 2 years and havent met her and you want to propose to her. i think you should meet her first and yes she does need to know about all of this especially if you are planning on proposing to her. you should have told her when you first started speaking because now the relationship is based entirely on a lie because she really doesnt know who you are. being that you two have talked for two years though she may understand you situation and forgive you for not telling her but either way you are going to have to tell her at some point because she will find out eventually.

Answer 7

the way you described yourself here ? is not very flattering for you ......not sure what to tell you to gain self-assurance of yourself ?
is there any way ? that you first of all , get some teeth replacements ? that would be a good start .........:-)
the size of your apt. is not that important ......that is a whole other thing .what is important ; is what you do with your life .......
are you unable to do any sort of activity ? to perhaps better yourself ? and with time , to gain confidence in you ?
do you have any hobby ? reading ? movies ? anything ?
you must of course , be honest with her .......
you sound like you may have a bit of obsessional behavior toward her ? you may scare her off ?
you failed to mention her intentions toward you ? how does she feel ? has she seen you on a web-cam ? do you have good conversations with her ? what do you want ? does she care for you ?
there are alot of things to take into consideration in this virtual relationship ,before planning and asking her in marriage ....

Answer 8

This "cyber" love, seems very intense, but it is fooling you into thinking you are in love,
Stop talking to her for a couple of weeks and the feelings will fade very quickly, because your "love" does not include the essential ingredients that you would achieve with a physical relationship.

Answer 9

u have to tell her the truth about yourself. if u don't tell her the truth sooner or later when u meet in person she will see your one room apartment, your missing teeth and if u re going to marry ehr who will be providing for the family? she? what kind of a man are u? well, when she discovers all of this by her own she will hate u to the extent she will wish u to be dead. to avoid her hatredness tell the truth. but frankly speaking if she is good looking and smart she will dump u. sorry pal, but we all live the life we have chosen. u have chosen that life of misery

Answer 10

Pick 3 SMALL "secrets" you could tell her. Now pick ONE of those 3. Tell her just ONE of the small secrets and see how she reacts. You need to build trust and it sounds like you need to start slowly.

Remember to never lie to cover up anything you think is negative. Relationships don';t recover from LIES because trust is SO important.

If you haven't met.... don;t you think there's something she hasn't told YOU too?

Hmmm