how to get past the pain of being cheated on?

Question

if you want to work it out for yourself and the kids and your wife. If she says shes sorry and really messed things up. But you having trouble with the sex she had with the other guy whats the best thing you could do to get over it
i dont want to go to counsling we tried it for a couple of months but it made me feel worse
how do i put this pain behind me and move on?

Answer 1

O.k, brother, it is time for some tough love. Are you ready to go into your scary monster closet and wrestle with your personal demons? Women often have sex outside of the marraige in pursuit of intimacy, although the man tends to focus purely on the sexual aspect of the affair. Are you willing to take responsibility for failing to meet the needs of your wife? Forgiveness swings both ways, brother. I don't know the level of pain that your spouse was exposed to before she took the very drastic step of an outside relationship. Chances are you broke her tender heart without even realizing it.

Why is it important for you to understand your role in the affair? If you do not, the behavior will repeat itself; and next time, there will be no repair. All women are hungry for intimacy. We men fail to provide it at our own peril. You need to know that there are many men that understand this well, and are ready to seduce a hurting, attractive woman in a moment of weakness. Guard her heart, man. Treat it like the precious possession that it is. And for God's sake, be man enought to ask for her forgiveness; for failing to meet her needs when she needed you the very most.

Do this, and you will have a blushing bride until the day one of you is planted. I do wish you well!

Answer 2

Let me get this point clear once and for all: It is harder for a man to get over infidelity than a woman. It is in a man's DNA to be prone to having sex with multiple partners and women inherently know this therefore are more accepting when a man strays. A woman leaves a man because she really did not love him before the infidelity.

The biggest issue a man has to deal with is his territorial ego. It is an insult for another man to have access to a man wife and the shame, anger, and disgust that ensues. What angers him the most is his wife's desire for another.

How you get past the pain? Be a man and deal with the situation. Put honor and respect above all else. Your wife acted in a very dishonorable way. The first thing you have to do is decide if you love this woman enough to go forward in the marriage. Your love of your children and the fact she is the mother should also be part of the equation. You must also find out if your wife still truly loves you. When all these variables have been determine you have to make a decision to stay or leave her.

If you decide to stay in the marriage make sure it is on your terms not hers. If she really feels remorse for her actions she will not complain about what you ask of her unless you are being totally unreasonable. It is her responsibility to prove she is worthy to be your wife. Let her know she will have to earn your trustworthy respect and that will not happen over night. You have to be very decisive through this whole situation. If at all possible, go away for a weekend while you and your wife decide your relationship’s fate. This is also for the benefit of your children. They should not have to witness the drama from all this. Children tend to think is it their fault that mommy and daddy are fighting. Further more you don't want your children to feel their world is falling apart by seeing this stuff.

What I am about to say most men will not want to hear: This is also the time to ask your wife honestly why she dishonored the family so deeply? You have to be man enough to listen deeply to your wife's issues but don't let turn into a complaint session. Nothing happens in a vacuum meaning you have some responsibility for what transpired. Therefore you have to willing to make changes within yourself to better the relationship from your end.

You are the man so be the true leader of the family. You handle this correctly with dignity, responsibility, and honor your whole family just might be better off from the situation.

TS

Answer 3

Sorry for you pain. There is never an excuse to cheat. If you really want whats best for your family, do you think that means staying together even though you are miserable? Children can pick up on things like that. They know when something is not right between their parents. One day at a time is the best advice I can give if you still love her and want to put things behind you. Pray also, it helps you to get those ill feelings out in the open away from your heart. Don't focus too much on visualizing the sex she had with the other person, but rather when you are making love to her, make her feel your love and commitment to the marriage. Shed some tears, get connected again and go from there.

Answer 4

The first step is FORGIVENESS you have to be open and willing to do this. Didn't you ever make a mistake? I know this is hard but you have to stick to therapy and your wife has to be willing to do everything possible to show you she is sorry for what she did. It is not your fault. No matter what the act of cheating will never really be erased from your mind but you have to be willing to put it in the past or move on. If you cannot let it go then you will never be happy in your marriage. It is not fair to your wife and kids. Trust is hard. Get there first sex is a way of showing affection and right now you may not want to show your wife so don't worry about that so much right now. Concentrate on your marriage and getting things right and everything else will fall into place.

Answer 5

I really feel for you, I am going through the same thing. Just know that the affair had NOTHING to do with you, it is all about her insecurities, self esteem. Forgivness is a decision you make, not a feeling. Once you decide you want to work it out, and she is in turn doing everything to make up for her shortcomings, as hard as it may be, that is the first step to a more fulfilling relationship. My husband said he was not even thinking about the consequences when he cheated, he was hundreds of miles from home working and thought i would never find out. I will say that it has made him respect me more and realize what we do have. We are a much stronger unit. And I have learned not to take any relationship for granted, they all take work. DO NOT LISTEN to these morons who say divorce is the answer...will that take away your hurt? NO! You still love this woman, and this situation is not black and white. People who have never been in the situation will never understand. I once thought if I was ever cheated on, it was over. Well I was and its not over, its getting better everyday. A couple of books....."Not, just friends"...."My husbands affair ...the best thing that ever happened to me"...and "The Monogamy Myth". These books have helped us temendously. Counseling was not our cup of tea either, we do occasionally go to our Pastor just to talk, but for the main part, WE have been doing it. It just takes patience, compassion, and prayer. The hurt will probably never go away, but I am sure it will fade. Good for you for sticking it out, and not taking the easy way out. I meant my vows when I said them...he may have broken one, but I will not break the "for better or worse". We have since renewed our vows and that actually does feel good to recommit. We have been together for almost 13 years with no bumps, so I guess this road block was a wake up call for both of us to NOT take each other for granted. Your children, and wife, and friends and family will respect you so much more for taking the high road and working this out and you will certainly feel an accomplishment when your relationshipstats to improve. Just remember the good times and take care. Email me if u need someone to talk to. Life is what you make of it, if you choose in your heart to be happy....you will be. Good luck, you are in my prayers.

Answer 6

I m experiencing the same thing right now. I found out about my husband's affair 3 months ago and every time we made love now, I can't help it but think about him and the other woman. Sometimes, i hate been intimate with him because of this. I, too, did not want to go for counselling. To move on, I did what most people advised me NOT to do. I questioned my husband about his affair in details....including the sex and was she good in bed!!! Maybe I need to know this to stop myself assuming what they were doing, how good the sex was, how many times per week, etc. Surprisingly, by asking, I felt much better. Strange it might sound, but I felt less pain after he told me the truth (eventhough it hurts me to hear it). Maybe this is my way of moving on....the need to know more rather than just thinking about what was going on besides the sex.

Answer 7

You never get over the pain, you can forgive but you will never forget, she choose someone else over you and that is hard to accept if your staying because of the kids don't they will see how unhappy you are and will grow up unhappy themselves, you should seperate and see how things go..You need some time apart.

Answer 8

you have to love yourself unconditionally .
You have to let go of fear.
you have got to trust yourself
you have to listen more carefully to your instincts
you have to live your life the best way you know
you have to let go of the betrayal and let her carry the burden.
you can't change what happened, but you can change how you choose to live your life from now. on.
do not wear your heart on your sleeve.
think positive thoughts about your life, and live them, make them come true.
you believed in someone and they betrayed you, it is a pain of loss and mourning. I understand that, but you have to decide when that period of mourning is over and you get your life back on track.
she will pay for her betrayal in more than one way.
she will not have your confidence, the children will be affected, your family and those close to you will be wary of her.
She will have her own pile of stuff to carry around on her back and she will suffer, even if he denies it to you.
you have to gather your strength and courage and stand tall and be the best you can be.
I think this might be a symptom of her unhappiness and frustration.
this might happen again although she swears now it won't.
she is looking for something she is not getting at home.
you can't fix her, you can only work on you and that is what you need to do.
get a book called the 4 agreements and start with that.
explore yourself and grow from within, you will find great power and strength within yourself.
don't struggle with forgiving her,
forgive yourself......heal yourself..

Answer 9

first and foremost you have to decide you love your child more than you dislike this man-even if it means faking it. but its not easy getting over being hurt-especially the way you were. diff people heals and get pass things in diff ways. one thing that helped me was reading an ebook called break free from their spell by tigress luv. it you type it in a search engine it should come up. good luck

Answer 10

She does not deserve you! She cheated on you, which means, she let her own selfish ways get in the way. She made the mistake, yes . You can forgive her, but she obviously didnt care about your feeling when she did it huh? I feel sorry for you. Divorce is the answer. I dont think people deserve a second chance when they cheat on you. Very sad.