My husband really has been pushing me to have a baby, but I don't want children, what should I do?

Question

I am 25 years old, I've been married for 3 years to the most amazing man. The only problem that we have is that he wants children and I don't. Yes, he has a great job and we make a good amount per month, but I never wanted kids, and I feel like I'm obligated to have one just because he wants one. I am a stay at home wife, and a novelist, and I babysit just for fun. I just don't know if I should just give in and try to get pregnant, or if I should keep stalling... what do you think???

I should also preface this with the fact that we did discuss this before we got married, and neither one of us wanted kids, until now, then he changed his mind... that's the main problem...

Answer 1

talk to him about it

Answer 2

Absolutely do NOT let him push you into this. Babies disrupt your life big time - you may resent the child, and your husband, if you don't want this 100%.

In most deadlock situations, some sort of compromise is in order, but you can't have a 'bit' of a child, or one part-time. Tell him your compromise is to think about it seriously when you're 30 and give him a defininative Yes or No before you're 31.

My own experience is that I didn't want children, then when I turned 30, it was like the dial on the washing machine turning round - a complete change, unexpectedly felt it was the right thing.

In the meantime, would he accept a child substitute - dog/cat/hamster?!

Answer 3

Kids aren't for everyone. You shouldn't do it just for the sake of making your husband happy or you could end up resenting both of them but on the flip side to that, you could decide to go ahead and it could be the best thing in the world and you could wonder why you waited so long. It's not a decision to take lightly and needs both of you to sit down and talk about things and your feelings. You are still young and should not rush into things. Enjoy your husband a for a bit longer and enjoy the time you have to yourselves. People say I'm not ready yet but as a mother myself, there is NO RIGHT TIME, and you'll never be ready. It's a choice you make or are faced with at that time and then everything else falls into place and it all comes naturally !!

Good luck and email me back.

Answer 4

To be perfectly straight with you, if you dont want kids then you shouldn't have them, its not fair on the baby, after all it will be you at home looking after the baby with the sounds of what you have put.

Why dont you sit down with him, dont get into an argument and ask him why he wants children now. Also tell him why you don't want them just yet, dont tell him that you never want children as this will cause an argument.

Tell him that you will consider trying for a child in 2 years time.

You still have time left should you want children after all your only 25, but how old is your husband???

Answer 5

If you really don't want a baby, nobody should push you into having one. Having said that, surely having children was something you talked about before getting married? It's understandable that a man should want to have a child with the woman he loves, and it does seem like your set-up would be an ideal environment for a WANTED baby. At 25, you are still quite young though - you might change your mind yet - I suddenly became terribly broody at about 28 when prior to that, I wasn't at all interested in children. You should really have a long conversation with your husband about this - a baby is such a life-changing thing, you really both need to want it - a baby deserves no less. If you're really looking at it as "giving in", you need to tell him so - although I suspect there's a part of you that might actually want to go for it - otherwise I don't think you would have posted this question!

Answer 6

Well, Novelist Girl, let's see.

If you're a writer, you're presumably able to communicate ideas and concepts to the masses. That mass you're married to needs to have some ideas and concepts communicated to him.

You entered the marriage with the understanding that you BOTH didn't want children. Now he's changing up on you. BZZZZT! Not fair at all. Especially the "really has been pushing" part.

The very first duty of a couple who is PLANNING a child is to make sure they both want one. Nobody deserves to be unloved or unwanted. A bunch of half-wits will tell you "oh, give in and you'll fall in love with the kid." There's no guarantee of that, though, and it's not like you can return your new adorable little tax deduction to sender.

Suggested talking points to start your dialogue:
1. "I am feeling pressured to have a baby."
2. "We got married with the understanding that we both didn't want children and I feel like you're changing the deal on me."
3. "Do you really want to bring a child into the world whose mother is against the idea of his or her existence?"
4. "Tell me what you think 18 years of me being the primary caregiver for a child I don't want is going to do to our marriage."

Good luck, and stick to your guns. Don't give in and make promises in the heat of an argument or emotional blackmail or anything else. If you only fulfill one maternal duty to your potential offspring, let it be the duty not to have them if you don't want them.

Answer 7

DONT get pregnant because he wants you to be.... you'll regret it especially when you are not wanting to have any children in the first place.

Sit down with your husband and have a really good talk. Tell him that you are not ready or wanting to have children just yet.

You are still young and what is the rush? There are many women who have children in their 40+ now days.

If you are NOT wanting children at all... then hopefully you both can come up with a solution.

Get him to look after a small group of wild children and babies for a week that may put him off??

All the best.

Answer 8

I really sympathise with you here. It's a difficult situation. You say you discussed it before you got married and now he's changed his mind. Perhaps one day you might too. Tell him that at the moment you can't see you ever wanting children but perhaps that may change in time. Make sure you let him know that your not making any promises and that if he can't wait and you don't change your mind in say 5 years maybe you need to dicuss it again. Hope it works out for you both :)

Answer 9

Tell him how you feel. If you don't want children, getting pregnant isn't going to change those feelings. At 25, you still have time if you change your mind later. Chances are, since you never wanted them you never will. You are not obligated, and having a child you don't want would be unfair to you and the child.

Answer 10

It sounds like you married very early in life and, in fairness to your hubby, few of us can say at 22 what we want for the rest of our lives.

On the otherhand, if you don't want children right now, then please don't go for it just to please your partner. Just as your partner may resent you for not having his child, so might you resent him for forcing you into such a dramatic change to your life.

Keep your options open, if you choose not to have a child right now, you can always change your mind, you've plenty of years ahead of you yet to get the baby bug. The same isn't true the other way around.

Answer 11

Wel tell him what you think and how you feel about having babies.
Do not feel just because he said so you must have a child. If he loves and respects you and remebers the vows he made when he married you he will see your point of view, And if he is so amazing like you say he he he will respect your choice.
Good Luck