How can I get over this?

Question

I was abused as a child, but I can't seem to convince myself that it was real. I tell myself it wasn't even a big deal...that people in the past went through worst, so it is justified. And I turned out fine, so what's the big deal. But sometimes I just really hurt inside, and wish I had a home with a mother who loved me. Sometimes I have memories of the things she did to me, and it hurts so much, because I bet she was stressed. She was a single mother. She was a waiter. She raised my sister and I on her own. I just can't seem to admit that it wasn't my fault, and it's tearing me apart. She's normal now. She eventually went to college and got a better job. Less fiancial strain, I guess. I want to forgive her, because she is okay now. But it is so hard. What do I do?

Some hings she did:
--beat me with fists, broom, anything in reach
--bloody noses
--pull my hair
--bang my head against the wall
--when I was little, I would scratch myself after beatings. I don't know why. when my mom found out, she called me crazy and "helped" me by scratching my neck and back
--tape my mouth shut with tape

Please help. I love her, but I want to *like* her. Counseling is not an option, so don't suggest that.

Thanks.

Answer 1

If your mother has grown as a person, I don't see why you can't also. The one thing that I think you really do not understand is that once your mother is gone, you will NEVER have a chance to make peace with her. You really should do this, not for her, but for you. Also, I wonder, aren't you even proud of the accomplishments she has made?

I want you to think about one thing, and one thing only. Look at how your mother has overcome the challenges she faced. You have that same potential within you. My mother overcame greater challenges and when she passed (a few days from now it will be a full year since then) - I knew that there was a piece of my life missing, a hole that would never be filled again. The key to this is not looking at the hole that can never be filled again, but the holes that appear and you never knew they were there. Life is about those opportunities to fill the holes we can fill. Life is about looking at ourselves honestly. Life is all this, and so much more. It isn't a game, and it isn't something to be taken lightly. You may serve a very special purpose here on Earth and may not realize that purpose until much later in life. You may be fortunate and discover it early on. It is very different for everyone. There are no set rules. I wonder, do you feel passion about anything? Music, science, or helping people in general?

You would make a great counselor one day after everything you have experienced.

Answer 2

I am sorry that you had such a rough life while growing up. I hope things are more easy for you now. You did not mention your age so I supposed you are either a teenager or an adult? Have you started working already? Or are you still financially dependant on your mother? If you are the former one, then things could ease a little as you won't have to depend too much on her. I would suggest that you moved out if you have the financial means. If you are still financially dependant on your mother, then there is really nothing much you can do except to be patient as much as possible. Understand that this is not your fault. Wait until you have the capability to be on your own. Independence is the key here. Moving out doesn't mean severing all ties with her but it is just to give each other 'spaces' so that there is less chance of any mistreatment or conflict. And time is the best healing power. Eventually you will find the heart to forgive her and despite her abuse of you, I believe all mothers do love their child. And we as the children only has one mother in the world, the only one who brought us to life. So irregardless of how our parents treated us, we can only be filial to them. I know this may sounds hard to do but be patient and God will reward those who do. I wish you all the best. May God bless you.

Answer 3

I'm curious as to why counseling is not an option...there is a 12-step group called ACA which stands for Adult Children of [Alcoholics and] Other Dysfunctional Families...it deals with the inner pain you describe and can provide nurture and support for a relationship with a (formerly dysfunctional) mother

I long held the conviction that it didn't make sense to forgive someone who had no intention of stopping whatever it was...

my dad was the physically abusive type you describe as your mother...my mother was alcoholic...

I've been to retreats seminars, therapy, workshops. I figured I'd learned all I could and was still in denial (about what) and hurting...

I used to listen to David Viscott MD on the radio...I got better and faster at "pulling the covers off someone" (exposing all his or her character defects, faults, weaknesses and pathology)...he charged $1200 (15 yrs ago) for a 2-hour taped session of denial-jerking assessments a person might otherwise uncover in 5 years of therapy...

I called Dr Viscott and he called me a chicken for not confronting my dad...it'd go something like this: "I'm ready to forgive you / bury the hatchet / let you into my life / whatever - - but I need you and me to come to terms on how it [whatever behavior] affected me"...

Over the years I've been able to admit there were good things about him during the time frame I hated him for everything he did...

Answer 4

Wow, I know this sounds stupid, but I was abused as a child too, by my mother. who doesn't do it anymore. you will always cry, and feel bad. sometimes have dreams about her. My mom was a single mom too and I had just me and my little brother. I just want to say that's its okay to cry. and even get envious of other friends who have a mom who loves them. I still do sometimes. Also You will always cry for your mom who you couldn't have. But you need to learn how to direct it the right way, a healthy way. never blaming yourself. You need emotional support and perhaps a support group. And a counselor really should be an option. they really just sit and listen and you will feel so much better I promise. If you are sure you cant go to one then maybe purchase some self help books or go to a local library and try to find some. I'm am so sorry for you, my heart goes out to you and please really give the counselor idea a second thought.

Answer 5

I went through the same thing. Only my mom hated me. despised me, was jealous because I got the attention of people. I was a very petite pretty little girl. She dressed me in dresses too big that reached my ankles, I had to wear boys shoes until 6th grade.She also took her anger out on me. She hit me under my eye with a full coffee can and blacked my eye.She hit me constantly for no reason.I was never allowed to have friends or go out of the house.I never got over it. She admitted to me when I was 26 that she was sorry for hating me all those years.I never liked her, although I tried.I "forgave" her. but never could forget how much she ruined my life. She died and the feelings are still living with me and always will.The best thing to do is make sure you don't ever treat anyone like she did.Just be happy with the thought that you are a very strong person because of what you put up with and you are a better person then she will ever be.

Answer 6

I don't really know too much about this but I have an idea that might help. If counseling isn't an option you could maybe find another girl like yourself (or a group of them, one thats not lead by a counselor) and you guys can talk about all the things that happened and once you have talked about them to someone else then maybe you can start to forgive her. I don't know if that helps but I hope someone has a good answer for you and you eventually find peace.

Answer 7

You know what? You need to see what made her do those things...

You know what, I happened to be beaten before with a cable wire cover that is 1 inch thick. It hurt like hell... I was very angry at my mom, then... but when I learned why she did that... I eventually forgave her... It is because my father is a womanizer and she has been very angry then... Thanks to our other relatives we were not beaten that bad...

You see, what you need to know.... is the reason why... she is just a human being like you...
It's like a story about the boss shouting at the man who shouts and hits his wife who beats the kids who hits the cat who urinates in the living room rug... There is always a reason for it... She might not have been capable of processing her emotions and bringing about a change in her life, but you have that same chance... it is up to you to stop the circle of violence... it is up to you to see the reasons why she did those things... it is up to you to learn that it is never too late to change... Maybe your mom changed now... that is the reason why you weren't hit anymore. She may be on the road to recovery. Now is the right time for you... to recover too... love yourself my dear friend and you will see that is something in the past and something you can recover from... look at your mom with love... with caring... with understanding... with concern... same thing you give to yourself... you live a life filled with dignity... you can do so much more... live you life... love your life... learn in your life...

Hope you have fun learning!!!;-)

Answer 8

1

Answer 9

nicely you do no longer likely would desire to recover from this, you purely would desire to locate the oportunitty to comprehend him greater efficient ... to talk to him.. as an occasion i dont comprehend while you're smoking..yet once you're and he's smoking.. you may chat with him mutually as you smoke.. or drink a coffe, you may basically write on his facebook web site.. do no longer initiate with I certainly have a weigh down on you... basically ask him if he desires to dangle out with you.. once you go with to talk to a guy its no longer that style of mindset.. we dont incredibly say no to a girl or a women.. basically circulate to him and communicate... and once you comprehend one yet another greater efficient.. who's conscious possibly something solid will take place...or if no longer a relationship.. yet to cut back your thoughts.. you're able to be pals with reward.. sorry if my answer isn't that solid.. yet i'm an 18 yrs previous teenage boy thats what i desire .. pals with reward.. no emotion no feeling.. basically.. u comprehend.. i'm hoping this facilitates you..