help!! how can i make it sound better?

Question

in this paragraph i am discribing a picture.... can u guys help me with grammar PLEASE!! i dont know, but when i read it, it doesnt sound good to me... please!
how can i make this paragraph sound better??




This celebration is famous for its colorful and cultural parades. People celebrate with a huge carnival that includes parades, shows, and parties. In this picture, we can see that this street is packed with people of all ages in colorful costumes. A float is passing by, carrying men in costumes and masks. At the back of the float, there are people marching and dancing at the same time, which gets the crowd’s attention. The crowd is waving at the people in the float, and it seems that there is a lot of security around the place, but it did not stop the people from having a terrific time. In addition, the weather was on their side, because it was sunny and clear, just perfect for the occasion.

Answer 1

just a few suggestions: you need to use active voice instead of passive....trim off any unneeded phrases and words....Identify the celebration taking place...let's say it's mardi gras

Mardi Gras is famous for its colorful and cultural parades. People celebrate Mardi Gras with a huge carnival that includes parades, shows, and parties. In this picture we see the street packed with people of all ages in extravagant costumes. A float passes by, carrying men in costumes and masks. At the back of the float, people march and dance simultaneously, capturing the crowd's attention. Despite tight security, people manage to have a terrific time. In addition, the weather is sunny and clear, perfect for the occasion.

Answer 2

This carnival is famous for its huge variety of colorful and cultural parades is celebrated in a street packed with people of all ages in colorful costumes. Floats are rolling by, carrying people in masks and costumes. Activity flourishes beneath the float, where everyone is affixed on the marching and dancing performer.
The tightness of the security did not seem to dampen the atmosphere of euphoria, especially when the crowd screamed and waved at the people above in the float passed them by.
The weather was sunny and clear painting the perfect picture for the occasion.

Answer 3

"colorful and cultural parades"; can it be rendered "colorful cultural parades", or are there some colorful, but non-cultural parades?
"this street is packed"; packed may be too strong a word.
"people of all ages in colorful costumes" seems slightly awkward.
sentence 4: costumes often include masks; perhaps "carrying costumed men"? But that might not sound any better.
sentence 5: On the back of the float, people needn't march; behind the float might be better. In any case, that section is slightly ambiguous. Furthermore, I see very few marching dancers, if any (that image is what I hear from the sentence.)
Sentence 6: Could you clarify the link that justifies putting those two ideas in the same sentence?
The last sentence could be shorter, more concise.
I do apologize if I was too harsh. You asked for improvement tips; and to me, that sounds more like a request to weed than one for advice on what to plant. On the positive side, you managed to avoid my main pet peeves...once I got past the question. (maintain high quality writing where it is needed less, and you will have gotten practice for when you need it more.)

Answer 4

You say parade too many times at the beginning.

Why would security being there stop people from having a good time? Say something about how they aren't needed because everyone is having fun and behaving.

At the back of the float, people are marching and dancing, capturing the crowd's attention.

Answer 5

The grammar sounds ok.
To make it sound better use Microsoft Word. Paste the whole paragraph in Microsoft Word. Pick a word in your text and right-click. Then go to Synonyms. It will display some synonyms for the word you chose. You can discover fancy words, that make it sound "smart".
For example, for "celebration" it shows you "festivity, party, fete, carnival, merriment, festival, gala, commemoration".
I hope you have access to Microsoft Word (newer versions).