Filipinos: can you please read my question???

Question

How do I help my mum? She keeps sending money to her family in Cebu and she cannot afford to, and she doesnt want to but yet they keep asking asking asking for more money, it is never ending. I keep telling her just dont do it, but she is too nice to say no. We live in Australia by the way, and she has given PLENTY of money over the years and its really upsetting me that they keep asking because she needs a new car and this and that, but she has to help them, they are taking advantage of her. So from a filipino point of view what is a nice but effective way to say no?

I have told her not too, I tell her everytime she calls me and tells me what the latest problem is, that doesnt work

Wow so many answers and they keep coming thanks,just to clarify my mum is 54 she is retired and has been living here for over 20 years, it has been happening ever since. We went their last year in July for a holiday and she ran out of money whilst there, and I ended up giving her money that only ended up to her family. The reason I ask now is because there was a serious inccident and this has spurred on the latest round of handouts.

Answer 1

Unfortunately this is a nation of receivers, very few people actually want to do anything to get the things they want, unlike most of Asia where people work 10 or 12 hour days to buy the same things.

Look at how much money this country owes the civilized world - 75% of the National budget doesn't even pay the interest on the loans that the government has outstanding, that leaves only 25% for the country.

I was brought up to stand on my own two feet at the age of 16 and have been supporting myself quite well for the last 33 years, sometimes poor, and sometimes well off, but I don't ask for handouts like the lazy slobs I see sucking their relatives dry here.

As a consequence of the above, Filipinos do not respect other peoples property like they do their own, they do not take care of other peoples things or gifts, and if they are lent something, it is normally lost, broken or sold on the sly for a bit of cash.

Therefore, tell your relatives to grow up and get a life, they will never do anything for themselves all the time there's a soft touch sending money, which is probably blown on a bunch of useless crap anyway, with none of it being used for education, welfare or clothing/education for kids.

Useless people, the world (and especially this country), does NOT need

Answer 2

I understand your problem. There are ten million Filipinos/nas all over the world and every one of them sends money home so the family can live. Having lived in Philippines now for 6 years I see how this has developed into a cultural trait. Filipinos now believe that life outside is all peaches and cream and that all foreigners are rich. Your mom by moving out of the country, became one of those "rich" people.

Now what to do about this situation? Tell your mom that while she might not like to hear it, she is not getting any younger, and that she should start thinking about putting some of that money aside for old age, and for the welfare of her closest family. Here you can point out all the things which your relatives have, and she does not have.

But it will be very hard, considering Filipinos like to live in big family groups like the mayas :-)

Answer 3

Change the phone number or at least don't accept any reverse charges.
I think your mother is going to help her relatives no matter what you say. There may be a way that your mother can still help them but at the same time helps herself.
Let's say she normally sends $200.00 (P7600.00) every month. Inform the relatives that this will only continue for three more months and because of bills and the cost of living will be reduced to $150.00 a month. Three months later inform them again that due to unexpected bills her contribution will have to decrease to $100.00 per month. Three months later inform them again that due to unexpected bills her contribution will have to decrease to $50.00 per month and that is all she can afford.
Basically tell the relo's its better they get the lower amount than get nothing at all.
I send my in-laws P4000.00 per month which they are most grateful for. They also know that only in the extremist emergency will this be increased. We also send 3 or 4 food parcels a year which helps them immensely.
There is a limit to how much Filipinos send back to the relatives it is no good that they come to a country like Australia or The US and then suffer and do without themselves.
You help your mother work out what she can comfortably afford to send and then make her promise to stick to that amount.
Good luck and I hope that you can work something out.

Answer 4

i am not a philipino but come across quiet a few in chat and other places .
the problem in phil is that they think there is easy money outside and if some one is sendin them money from outside then they just relax and enjoy the life there . the solution to ur problem is as follows
let or family back home know that u will slowly reduce the amount of money u have been sending them and then start reducing them actually so if they need more to keep up their living standards they will start earning themselves or cut their standard of living
take ur mom to philipines on a fact finding mission and do some research to know what is happening to the money u r sending , is it really needed or is being misused.
this is the case in dubai too all phils send money back home as much as possible and then if any emergency comes they start borrowing themselves to survive. this is the case specially with ladies . the men have a different attitude i think. they like to push the responsibilities to the ladies to earn and look after house as well.

Answer 5

Tell your mom's relatives yourself that they have to work hard for their OWN money instead of begging relatives from overseas. That's embarrassing. Your mom should concentrate on helping her own family (you) in Australia unless if it's your elderly grandparents. If her relatives are young and able bodied, then they should get a job and study hard or start their own business (help give jobs to unemployed Filipinos). If every Filipino was a business entrepreneur or skilled educated professional, it would help boost the Philippine economy and they wouldn't see hordes of Filipinos try to flee the Philippines as if it was a sinking ship. My grandfather (my dad's father) studied hard and worked hard to be able to legally immigrate to the US on his own a long time ago (this was way before Marcos came to power). He was a CPA accountant and a Mathematics Professor in Chicago. He originally studied in New York in the 1930's. Some of his sons served honorably in the US military. If he and his sons didn't study hard and worked hard, then they probably would be stuck over there. Their kids would be watching TV all day. I think that's what many Filipinos in the Philippines do all day. Watch TV? No one in my family received any kind of handouts from the US government or anyone else. We NEVER asked each other for money. To us, that would be embarrassing. They studied hard, worked hard, and some started their own business and gave jobs to Americans. Same thing with my mother and aunties who also studied hard to be where they're at. My mom and Aunt own several real estate properties around Las Vegas and Florida.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, this is a Filipino trait of helping others. The church told us that when you give, a tenfold you will recieve. So it teaches one to be lazy for as long as others give.
I feel sorry to your mum that she has to work hard to give something to her relatives. I don't think she's obliged to send whatever her family ask for. But If she's stlll happy and find gratifications sending them money, let her for a while.
Maybe, she has plan to visit her relatives who would naturally welcome her back. Or she will go home to retire and be close to relatives who will care for her during her old age.
But I tell you, if your mother has no plan to go back home, tell her there's no need anymore to send money . Instead, start saving for her own sake.
You mother could just cut the communication line with them. Change her phone numbers. This way, she will hear no more from her parasitic relatives.

Answer 7

There is nothing you can do to stop this act of your mum. It has become a way of life in Philippines. If she stops now she will become the bastos to all of those former receivers.

Consider it like a stray and starving animal. If you feed it once then it will always look to you for food. If you decide later to stop feeding it, then why did you ever feed it in the first place. It takes strength to not feed a starving animal that first time and others view it as being cruel and mean. I try to never feed a starving animal. If ever I do, then I have to accept the responsibility of feeding it for life. Thats just the way life is.

Answer 8

Asians tend to do this out of love and to gain respect (or to not "lose face"), so much that it ends up hurting them but they still keep doing it. You would have to change her views on gaining respect, love, and money before she will consider stopping. The best way to say no is to let them know the truth that she needs a car and other things. That will stall them for at least another year hopefully.

Answer 9

i know what your going through my father kept sending money over to my family and they wer able to build a brand new full furnished house while we live in a little apartment.There real is no nice way to tell them no because no matter how you say it they will take it as mean.Its supposed to be part of your family duties.but u have to talk to ur mum tell her that if she keeps sending them money youll end up suffering make her think about the absolute worst that could happen she has to build the courage up and have the reason to say no

Answer 10

its really hard to say no to your family in a filipino point of view> we call that our utang na loob,
but then if they just keep asking for money without important reasons then thats not also good
many filipinos like me give money to our family because that is our way of telling thank you, and because im in a better state of living i would share what i have to those who need it
if your mom feels good helping others then thats not a bad thing, it only becomes bad if she forgets herself

she could always call them and tell them that she cannot send money because she has to pay something important, filipinos would understand that, her family would try and find the means to help themselves if she cannot help them right now,. tell your mom to go buy a car first, im sure they would understand, tell them honestly that she has to pay something right now and would still try to help them if they have no other means

you see your mother should just have given her family in cebu, a capital or a business to start with, tell them you will give them money but they must invest it on a business, so that they would not ask for money all the time,
and if they dont take care of that capital, she will no longer send them any money
teach her family how to be independent, help them get on their feet, teach them how to work and value money
by then if they have a business or source of income, just to get back on their feet, they would not need to ask money anymore
and youre mother need not feel bad about not being able to help because they can help themselves already

you see filipinos love helping their families back in the philippines, its a joy to help those who are in need, just not to the point of being taken advantage of.