what should i do?

Question

my wife left last nov. she didn't just leave me, she left our son too. at first we where going to share custody. i had him for two weeks and then she was supposed to have him. the day before thanksgiving she called me and asked if i would take him permatnately. i of cource said yes. at first she called every other day to check up on him. she came to see him the week before christmas and that is the last time he has seen her. she was calling once a week, but she hasn't called him in almost three weeks. he is only two and i can tell he misses her. should i call her and have her talk to him. i love my son and i can't understand how she can keep from calling him or stand being away from him. if we never hear from her again what do i say to him when he asks how come mommy doesn't love him?

Answer 1

I have two kids and my idiot is remarried too.

I think you need to get this stuff in writing with a legal separation agreement that establishes your custody and guardianship, and specifies what her visitation rights will be. Otherwise, you could wind up in a situation where she comes back and turns everything upside-down. It's obvious that she's putting herself first right now, and that's fine, but she doesn't have to do that at his expense. Remember though, men do it every day, they leave without looking back at their kids - it's no different when a woman does it, it just seems different. If you protect your rights, and his, then you can continue on down the road in peace. If he doesn't see her again, I'm not gonna lie, that's going to mess him up, but as long as he has one sane and responsible parent, he'll be ok, maybe even better off without having to deal with whatever it is she's playing.

Answer 2

This is a very sad situation and i feel so bad for you and for your son. I give you alot of credit for being a great single dad.Just enjoy your son and love him and be the best dad you can be to and for him. Yes go ahead and call her and have him talk to his mommy. You need to ask her why she has not called or been in contact with him at all these last few weeks. Tell her she needs to be a mom and be involved in his life. If she stops all contact with him then if he asks that say honey mommy loves you in her own way and someday she may call or see you again but remember daddy loves you and will always be here for you. Hug him and hold onto that boy and love him! Be the BEST dad you can be and he will love you for it:) Here comes lots of hugs to you and your little guy today and i wish you both the best.

Answer 3

I commend you as a single father. I would suggest you fill your child with a loving home and protect him from the world as much as possible..including what mom has done to him. Never tell your child that mom does not love him. He will be so insecure if he thinks that; just let him know that mom had something to take care of while he is young and when he is old enough to understand then you can let him know some of the details but not all. Spare him some of them because someday..most likely when he is grown she will want contact and he will have some of the answers and you know her story will not be the same as your story.

You can not make your child's mother want to be a parent. Your son is better off not having mom in the picture until she is ready to be a mother. She may be facing problems that are not suitable for a child to be around.

I have never understood while some parents leave their children..this is a problem with mom's and dad's. I just think we as responsible parent have to protect the children as much as possible from the idiots that we decided to have children with.

Answer 4

Godless and Music Girl have both given you great advice.

There's a really great book called "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce The Sandcastles Way" by Gary Neuman: http://www.oprah.com/tows/booksseen/tows_book_19991007_gneuma.jhtml

It has a lot of practical advice for how to deal with situations with your ex without hurting your son.

Children are remarkably resilient. Make sure to be sensitive to him without giving him the feeling that you feel sorry for him or that he _should_ feel like something is wrong. Make sure he still has a routine and that he has activities in his life that are challenging without being overwhelming. He needs to feel mastery of some part of his life even while this part is out of his control.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I feel you are competent to handle it well. I know it's difficult, but try to focus on the good you can teach him from this (forgiveness, graciousness, endurance, perseverance, patience, resilience) instead of dwelling on what he's missing out on. Acknowledge the bad (denial is not a good thing), but don't dwell on it.

Answer 5

Listen hun, I've been thru what you're going thru with my daughter's father, it isn't a pretty situation. I agree with the others who have answered you saying to make note of everything, and i DO mean everything!! When i had to go to court, i had kept track of every phone call, exact time called, what was said, exact time the phone was hung up, you name it! And trust me, when you get in the habit of that, no judge is goin to argue the fact of that because ppl don't normally make up a year's worth "fake calls" , ya know what i mean? The judge i had didn't even question what i had down, he took it all for fact. I also agree that at some point, she will try to come back into JJ's life and you can't allow her to play emotional craps with your son. I think you should call her and ask her point blank if she plans on being a constant in his life or not. Give the the chance to straighten up once, but be firm in telling her that you will not allow her to just jump in & out of his life and play with his emotions like that. Either she's there for the long haul or she's not and if she's not, then tell her to leave well enough alone and leave you two alone. You're very lucky that this is happening at such a young age because it's easier for children to forget. Yes, he'll still have questions as he gets older, but I'll still be around to help ya with those too ;) . My step kids had their mother walk out on them when they were 11, 10 & 8 and trust me, it has screwed them kids up wayyyy more than my daughter's father walking out when she was 3! Kids adjust, they live what they know and are used to and he'll be used to you being there for him, he'll know that his dad is his buddy as well as the person who was always there for him as he grows and matures.
As for what you say to him.......well, i was always telling my daughter that it's ok, she doesn't need anyone else but me, I'm her mother and i will ALWAYS be there for her, which i still do to this day! Even after her step-dad, who raised her for almost 10 years basically dumper her, i was still there for her and ya know what she said to me when we were talking about it one day? She came out and told ME that it's HIS loss cause she knew she always had her mom! And because of all that, she & i are very close and she's got a really good inner strength about her too hun. I have all the confidence in the world that you can handle this. You're a terrific person and as long as you focus on your son and not onher, soon he won't focus on her neither.
Anyway, hope at least some of this helps. And if you want to ever talk about it, you know i'm there! Just call or text me, k? Take carehun and i'll be talkin to ya soon! Always, Dolly hugzzzzzzzzzzzz

Answer 6

I am so sorry this happened to you. : (
Try to have a communication with her. Tell her that her son loves her and misses her. And tell also to your son that mommy loves him. Try to put a happy face for him. Your son will know in time what is the deal. She might feel guilty for what she did, and it is hard for her to face the reality.

You, try to be the best you can be. I do not know if you are legally divorced, but that might be something to consider. You are going to have someone in your life, someone special who will love your son too. I am confident about that : )

Answer 7

Honesty is the best policy. "I don't know", that is what you should say. You need to seek legal advise and child support. Take this to court as soon as possible. She can show up and take him from you then she could just disappear! You are the solid parent. Document any and all conversation and/or visits. Document when she doesn't visit, starting from when it was set up to when and if she canceled. Protect yourself and your son.
Don't be timid and have a witness when she comes around.
Good Luck!

Answer 8

My mom was out of my life for fourteen years. Children have a tendency to come up with reasons why everything is their fault, and that will be your first priority - to instill in him that it is not his fault.

There is no completely satisfactory answer that will cause a young child to understand something that only adults should ever have to deal with. He will to some degree have to just wait until he can understand it.

In the meantime, I have some suggestions -

1. He needs your time. Children may ask for toys and money and other material things, but never forget that what they really want is you. Work to live, don't live to work.

2. Do not speak of his mother with any hint of disrespect, but be honest. For example, my father did not say, "Your mother is a mean, manipulative ***** that left us," instead he tried to understand her. He would say, "Your mother loves you more than she loves anyone. But, she doesn't love herself. She has problems. I was mad at her, but now I feel sorry for her... every time we go to the park or the movies, I feel sorry for her that she isn't getting to do that with you."

You get the idea.

3. For now, give her a chance. Don't bend over backwards to get her to see your son, but if she calls, let her talk to him. If he wants to call her badly, then let him. If she wants to see him, let her see him. Watch her behavior, and see if she will change or not.

If she begins to do things that are destructive to others or herself - violence, drugs, excessive drinking, or promiscuity when your son is with her... then it's time to stop the visits.

Also, if she continually disappoints your son - if she calls and says that she will visit with him and then makes last minute excuses or just doesn't show up - then stop the visits.

4. Document everything. Keep a calendar. Record on it phone calls to and from her, whether she talks to you or your son, any visits, presents and letters to and from her, anything she says that concerns your son, and so on. Keep receipts, too.

5. If it happens with your son's situation as it did with mine, and she remains out of his life indefinitely, then you will need to prepare for adolescence when that time comes. Try as you may to help him now, he may have unresolved anger when adolescence hits. If you think he needs counseling at any point, don't hesitate to get help for him.

6. Let him make some age appropriate decisions. For example - if she's not seen him in two years, and he wants to call her, make sure he understands that the call may not go as he wants it to, but let him call her. If, as a young adult, he wants to go and see her (and she's OK with that), so long as he has his emotions and behavior under control and she does as well, then let him see her. Etc.

7. For now, you need to get custody as soon as possible. Until you do, she has every right to him that you have. I also experienced being a mom to my ex's son. My ex was still married, and had been trying to come to an agreement on his divorce with his wife for a long time. She had been out of the picture for a year and a half. They had no custody order, and so on the first day of kindergarten, she came and snatched the child and took him halfway across the country. And she had every legal right to do so until a judge said otherwise. Do it now.

Answer 9

Her child obviously isn't the number one thing in her life. Find one who will be. And start taking notes now, because when the ***** changes her mind and comes waltzing back into your life (and she will) you'll want every piece of evidence to show the courts why she shouldn't have custody.

Answer 10

you need to tell her all these things