This is the second time he has hit me...?

Question

I am in my second marriage with my sons father. We have been together for almost four years. When my son was two weeks old, we had an argument and he hit me very hard in my behind. Like I was a child or something. When that happened, I left and stayed with a friend for a while, but ended up forgiving him. (I know, stupid me.) Now, 2 years later, he hit me again, now in my head, and I actually had to go to the doctor because my ear has been ringing for 2 days. I have been married before and was in an abusive relationship, and got out of it. Now, I love this man more than anything, but why did he hit me? Now, of course, he is crying, apologizing, blah, blah. Do I give him a second chance or should I leave and take my son away from him before he abuses my son too?

He has never hit or spanked my son. What is going on? Is it my fault?

Just looking for some friendly advice.

Thanks

Answer 1

The fact that youre even here asking the question tells me you already know the answer. I think you need a little push..pardon the pun. This type of relationship is not healthy for anyone. Your husband doesnt mean to hit you, he's so sorry, he LOVES you...Right? Thats what he says today. Did you know that you dont hit people that you love? You just dont. Can you imagine hitting your mother in the face so hard that you break her ear drum? (thats what the doctor said to you isnt it? You will have minor problems with that the rest of your life and will never be able to forget about it. And is it your fault? You already know the answer to that too. How in the world could it be? What your ear just got in the way of his hand? Is that logical? ) Its tough to get out but not impossible. Im sure he has other little controlling things over you but you are not a puppet and can leave and be free of him. Put down on paper all the negative things he's done so everytime you think of returning to him you relive the bad and get strength from them. This is something you can do. Just hold your head up high, be a good mommy and leave....but for now, be sure its somewhere safe and dont fall victim to his begging as I'm sure he will beg. He needs to be in control of someone to feel like the big man that he sure sounds like he is.

You do have a pattern in picking an abusive person, I would seek answers to that when youre free from him after the dust settles and dont get involved with anyone till you figure this out. I would bet you lived with an abuser when younger as others have stated. Its just a fact, that you will seek out what you've known, good or bad. Dont feel bad about it, we've all done it! Its just part of being human, but do work on it. If you have to get paper and pencil out and write a check list of all the things you want and all the things you dont want in a man and go by the list for the rest of your life, do it. Thats much better than having a third abusive husband.

Also the fact that youre concerned about your son tells me youre a good parent. Remember this in parenting. You dont do whats easiest, you do whats best for the child.

Someday you and your son are going to have a talk about his father and youre going to raise your sweet child right. That is if your husband doesnt do something to hurt you or your son or have your son taken away from you because you live in an abusive relationship and put him in danger. You know what to do sweety. If your life was a movie, would the heroine do the right thing?

Good luck. Believe in yourself. (He's counting on you to doubt yourself and ask if its your fault.) Love yourself and love your son. Pray Pray Pray. It's all going to be just fine. You watch.

Answer 2

Why is it that the question always asked after a partner hits the other is "is it my fault"? The answer to that is NO! It is never ever the fault of the person getting hit. The person hitting has a problem with controlling anger. For getting out of an abusive relationship before, why are you not seeing the warning signs in front of you now?

Yes, people can make a mistake and so do change. But the head is a dangerous place to be hit and is hit without any thought except damage and pain. If you stay, what happens next? Will you walk on egg shells everyday out of fear? How long before whatever brought this on will happen again?

Please do what is right for your son and for you. Abuse is not just the physical but also the verbal and emotional that is not easily seen.

Answer 3

He has already had the second chance - he hit you once, you came back and he hit you again. Time to go, and this time for good. Of course he is crying - they always do. Even if the violence has been, so far, infrequent, that doesn't mean it will stay that way. It is not your fault, it is his. He has a problem controlling and channeling his anger. My guess is that it will probably only get worse. Just because he has never hit your son, doesn't mean that he won't start. My friendly advice would be to leave. Get some counseling. Its obvious that your former abusive relationship is clouding your judgement if you are questioning whether or not this is your fault. The only thing that you may have done wrong is giving him the second chance to begin with. As far as him hitting you? That is his fault. Its time to go - for the wellbeing of both your child and yourself.

Answer 4

No its not your fault. It never is. This is physical abuse. He wants control - its all about that. He WILL abuse your son - eventually. You need to get out. Sure, they cry and beg. Even say they'll never do it again. Or they say you shouldn't have made them do it. I've heard it all. Don't even think of second chances, next time you may not be so lucky. I'm telling you this because I've been thru it. It took almost 13 years for me to get the courage to leave. It took me almost dying and my son getting abused as well. I know you won't leave until YOUR ready - that's always how it is. Everyone on here could tell you to go but you won't until you've had your fill. Just remember, next time it could be your child. What then? I hope you do the right thing. Good luck.

Answer 5

"Dear Looking for some friendly advice",
Don't let the door hit you on the way out of this relationship. Been there, done that and things DO NOT get better. Just cause he has never hit his son yet does not mean that he won't later on, all it takes is "that" trigger point and since he has reached his with you, it is just a matter of time in regards to his son.

I raised my own three children in 1979 when I caught my ex with another woman and did not regret my decision to leave him nor have I regretted it. It was not easy but I did it. So can you, bottom line is that "you" like yourself enough to do it!

Studies have shown that a child who is around abusers most probably will one day abuse themselves. No, I am not a social worker, nor a medically trained person, I am just a 60 yr old female grandma who has been there and done that.

Why do you feel that you have to be married? Are you not worth anything to your self being? Correct me if I am wrong, but I suspect that a male figure in your childhood was abusive to your mom? Familiarity breeds comtempt!

You did not list your age but I can assume your are in your early 20's.

Have you heard of the women's shelter? If not listed in your state, I can give you all the info you need.

I myself have a 30 yr old daughter who is in an abusive relationship and was and have been unable to help her to make her understand that she needs to leave this man, but she won't and there is nothing I can do or say that will make her leave him.

It all comes from self low esteem, my dear. She has it and it sounds like you do to.

There are so many opportunities for young women these days, one just needs to make that first step into the unknown.

It is as with any addiction, because you are addicted to this man and or this type of realtionship whether you realize it or not, unless one admits they have a problem, NO ONE can help them, it all has to come and start from you.

Grandma

PS. No, it is not your fault!!!!!! This is an issue that comes from his childhood and this comes from the way his mother (or whoever raised him ) was treated. Spiral effect, if you get my meaning.

God Bless and hope you well,

Answer 6

NO, it is not your fault! Please don't think that. This is the guys problem not yours. Unless you stick around and let him continually hurt you. Not to mention what it is teaching your son about how to treat women. They are always sorry afterward but actions speak louder than words. If he was truly sorry he would have gotten help after the first time he put his hands on you. Instead he went from a smack on the *** to hitting you so hard in the head that you needed to seek medical attention. It will only continually get worse. Please get out before it does. Do not give him the chance to start abusing both you and your son.

Answer 7

Since he is physically abusing you then take your son and get out of there now and do not look back. This is not your fault at all. It is his fault that he chooses to hit you and he should be persecuted for it and turned into the police. You need to get out of there now with your son and dont look back and file for divorce. He does not have any right to hit you at all. Wake up call lady this is another abusive man just like your first husband was.

http://www.drphil.com

Answer 8

I think this is a question which is very easy to answer, but difficult to for the person receiving the information to do. I would get away from this situation as quickly as possible. I realize that he is apologizing and regrets what he did, but I don't think it would be very difficult for him to do it again. One thing I have always known about abusive men(my father was very abusive,as was my uncle) is that they never stop, no matter what, it is their way of being in control, because they are very insecure in the their ability to be a man. A man should NEVER hit a woman under any circumstance, and I think you should get yourself and your child as far away from this as possible. What are you going to tell your child when he/she asks where that big mark on your face/body came from. A child does not need to be exposed to this type of behavior. I wish you all the best, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer 9

I know that you might feel like is your fault but is not. Nobody has the right to hurt you, I know that he says he is sorry but you can not take the risk of staying with him. If you have the support of family and friends I would suggest that you go to them and stay with them for a while. If he is really sorry and shows you that he is attending an anger management program you can think about giving him another chance. I'm saying this because you said that you love him a lot, if he loves you as much as you love him he would do whatever it takes to win your trust again. Good luck and remember that they are a lot of resources for victims of domestic violence.

Answer 10

You are not at fault. There are many ways of dealing with problems but physical abuse is NEVER justified, right or acceptable. And yes, you should leave & take your son away from potential abuse to him. Unspeakable things have been know to happen & happen all the time..every day.