We've been married for 34 years. Our four children are raised and gone. We've gone from best friends to strangers. My husband puts me down in front of others. Everything has always felt like a competition with him, even down to who the kids enjoy being with more. I dont think in all the years we've been married that we actually resolved an issue. He wont talk things out with me at all. He wont take me out. We havent been out together in years. I have begged him to take me out but he is content sitting at home with a beer and the t.v. We dont have company as he has let the house repairs go for years and I am too embarrassed to have complany over. Everyone loves him but what they dont know is they are seeing a very different man than the one I live with. To them he is helpful and talkative. To me he does nothing and will not open up at all. I am so lonely, I have talked to him about this for years and he doesnt do one thing to change the situation. Should I leave him?
2007-02-11 11:19:48 · 13 answers · asked by My_Two_Centz 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You have just described my life. I have been married for 37 years. You are so right, everyone thinks he is so great. He is fine towards other people but he treats me badly. Everyone else comes first, while I sit and wait for his phone call to let me know where he is. I am sorry I don't have any answers for you. But please know you are not alone.
Don't let people try to tell you to stay and work on it. If you are anything like me, you have been trying for years with no success.
2007-02-11 13:15:25 · answer #1 · answered by I love winter 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would see if you can get to counseling together. If he will not go, you should go for yourself. Work through the issues within yourself and you will answer your question. How does living this way impact your health? I started having odd health issues that were tacked up to depression, stress, etc.
There is a book given to me called 'Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out' which I found very enlightening. You may want to check this out of the library and see if the stories are similar to what you have experienced over the years.
If you are not happy and he will do nothing to change the situation and work with you on the relationship, you will probably be better off leaving to find peace.
2007-02-11 19:35:21 · answer #2 · answered by Margaret K 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
yep, it over. Not a question in my mind. And I bet because you have been together for 34 years, he figures u arent going anywhere and he can do as he pleases.
Heres what i think.....Life is too short to live it for someone else. Divorce him and get out hunny. Let your hair down and have a little fun. Let him sit at home if he wants. THere is too much to experience to do that!
Good luck to u and Good luck for a brighter future! U GO GIRL!
2007-02-11 19:36:07 · answer #3 · answered by Truth Teller 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you should not leave your marriage over this. Seek marriage counseling or help for you and for your marriage. Talk to your husband and tell him how you are feeling and why. Ask him if he still wants you and the marriage or not. See where he is coming from and you be honest with him how you are feeling. If he wont take you out then you take the initiative and take him out sometime on a date. You really need to learn how to communicate with each other and talk thjngs out. Go to http://www.drphil.com and email him with this story and see what he has to say and has to offer as advice for you. You change yourself and then he may see the change and may want to change down the road.
2007-02-11 19:46:47 · answer #4 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You cannot continue to life as you are. Tell him that you cannot go on and that you will be leaving unless he and you go and get some help. It might be you both need help from someone outside who can mediate between you. After 34 years it might be worth the effort to rekindle your romance. However, if he won't participate it might be best to leave and see if he comes around. Good luck
2007-02-11 19:27:14 · answer #5 · answered by smilingtalker_au 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you work it out. If you can last the few last years with him treating you coldly. Last the rest of the life with him hopefully. Pray to God. Go to counseling. He is just growing tired. Simply spark the relationship once again. You can make him a romantic dinner or look at marriage pictures and so to remind him how happy everythin once was. Your husband needs an emotion wash to open up his heart again. You have kids. Talk to them. Have a family reunion. We live in the 21st century, we ladies cant wait for men to work it out. We step up! Keep it real. God bless this relationship. :)
2007-02-11 19:35:00 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you are so desperately unhappy, please leave this man. I think giving 34 years of your life to someone, who refuses to make ANY ATTEMPT to make you just a little happy, does not deserve you. You should not have to beg him or anyone to take you out,.If you have tried for years to get through to him, but to no avail, have the courage to leave. I commend you for staying with him for this long. You said your children are grown, have their own lives, now it is your turn to have a life. Go find joy and happiness, there is nothing worse than being with someone and still being terribly lonely.No one wants to go through life by themselves, nor should they have to. Be strong, be happy, and be proud of yourself.God Bless You.
2007-02-11 19:47:21 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has done everything but push you out the door. You cannot change him and I think it is safe to assume that he would not go to counseling with you as he does not see that anything is wrong and would be denial of it anyway. I don't think you have any other viable option here. You must do for yourself.
2007-02-11 23:26:13 · answer #8 · answered by Monsieur Rick 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that your husband doesn't like himself very much. That's why he feels so competetive. A person who feels good about themself is secure in their own skin and doesn't need to compete with anyone. To compete with you for the love and attention of your kids is pathetic. It shows he must really be feeling pretty low about himself. The fact that he talks to and is helpful to others, but not to you, tells me that he is trying to show others the side of him that he wishes he could be. If he was happy with how he treats you and thought it was normal to treat people that way, don't you think he would treat others that way since he would see it as normal? Of course not. He is different around other people than he is with you because he doesn't want them to know the truth about how he REALLY is. This tells me that he DOES have a clue that how he really is isn't right, but might not have the "tools in his toolbox" to know how to change. The fact that he won't take you out, and won't try to work out issues with you tells me that he has some deep issues he is dealing with. I think he sounds like he is depressed. It can't be a very fun or interesting life to just sit in front of the tv all the time with a beer. If he is putting you down all the time, but doing it privately, then I would say that he is showing resentment for and/or jealousy of you for something. If he is putting you down in front of others, it shows he may or may not be showing resentment and/or jealousy toward you, but he is definately feeling the need to make you look bad in front of others because he is insecure with how HE looks in front of them. If he can make you look bad, then in his mind, he looks better by comparison. What he doesn't realize is that when he does this, he is the one who looks bad. In fact, a person who puts down their spouse in front of others actually looks like a jerk.
Okay, so your husband won't work with you to resolve the issues. Have you considered counseling? If he won't go with you, I think you should still go yourself. Leaving him after being together for 34 years will be a HUGE adjustment, both emotionally and physically. You have legal issues you will have to contend with, financial issues, you will have to deal with how your grown kids are going to handle it (it's hard on adult kids, just as it is on younger ones), and you will have the emotional pain of a separation or divorce, even if you no longer have loving feelings toward each other.
I was married 20 years, and during the last 5-6 years of my marriage, I was no longer in love with my husband. He was domineering, belittling, verbally & emotionally abusive, controlling, rude, obnoxious, selfish, boorish and cruel. When we divorced, though I no longer loved him, it was still painful for me. You have been married much longer than I was. This will be difficult. I wouldn't rush into such a big life-changing decision until you have taken the time to really think things through (where you will live, how you will meet your financial obligations, etc). Counseling can give you the tools to cope with your situation, as well as to help you decide if leaving your husband is the right or wrong choice for you to make. Best wishes to you. I hope things will all work out for you.
2007-02-11 19:49:46 · answer #9 · answered by Chimichanga to go please!! 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why did you put up with this long you re husband show no respect i feel you re should find a little apartment and go to marriage counseling and work on your self and you re husband will come around but its will be you re rule not his good luck i bit he will listen you now
2007-02-11 19:37:31 · answer #10 · answered by nightman122554 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋