lost and heartbroken...help?

Question

i am a 42 yr old female going thru a divorce..married 20plus years .....i thought we were happy did we have problems of course but none so big we couldnt overcome....anyway he got a new job started becoming friends with a coworker who is 20 yrs younger then him......he has a affair with this girl leaves us his family and moves in with this girl....he shows no guilt nor remorse for these actions...and he talks of me like i am nothing says mean hurtful things about me..why???.....he acts like i never even was a fixture in his life....and to add insult to injury this girl is now pregnant....my kids are heartbroken and he thinks nothing is wrong at all....he says to them dont you want daddy to be happy.he doesnt even ask how they feel..how can a 43 yr old man who was a good husband and father be this way now..its almost a year and nothing has changed does anyone have an answer to this........

Answer 1

A few things are going on, hon.... but be comforted that the "bridge" out of the marriage is not the one that will last.... he'll leave her too.

Secondly, your husband is undoubtedly your age, and at 40+ guys wonder if they still have it --- "Can I still get it up, with some young chick, will one still find me attractive, yadaydaydayda.....". It has nothing to do with you... and, marriages, like anything else, wear out, and unless we on both sides --- wives as well as husbands -- do things to keep it at least a little fresh, one or the other often strays or leaves, thru no fault of the other.... tires wear out, teeth do, carpets do, and yes, marriages do....

(We as a species, were never meant to live 40 years, much less be married 20.... Life for most of the people who have lived as people on this planet was pretty much over by 50.... The average life span in India, for example, is the same as it was 2000 years ago, about age 33. Africa isn't much better.... But we in first world countries can expect to live well into our 70's or 80's, and do so in relatively good health....)

You're husband right now is thinking with his little head, --- most guys do much of their lives... It's a guy thing.... estrogen is no match for testasterone. And all of us are tempted, it's the way our society now works.

You didn't ask what you should do, so I won't address that.

You asked what happened... that it is almost a year, and nothing has changed ---- I'm presuming that nothing has changed as far as him wishing to come back to you, that still you are hurt... And yes, you will stay hurt --- betrayal is the ultimate and only real deal breaker in a marriage... And will he come back? --- doubtful.... you cannot unscramble and egg, and frankly, you really don't want him back... you just haven't accepted that yet....
Did you love him.... yes and no. You loved the image of what you thought he was, but what he is now is not the same person. Do you love him now? No. You love your memory.... and they are, again, not the same.

Why does he say hurtful things about you? Because he wishes to re-assure himself that he made the right move. Again, it's a guy thing.

Hope this helps.

Answer 2

i went through the same thing, i wondered why too, but they become a different person once they are with someone else, they act as if they don't even know u, nor are they sorry, they aren't sorry because they aren't the ones who are hurt, when relationships end, there is always one who is happy, and feeling wonderful and than there is the one who got dumped and abandoned who has been faithful all those years.its all about the other woman, her insecurities, as she knows what she did to u, and her being the home wrecker she thinks every woman is just like her, so she has given him an ultimatum that he must not come near u. just consider the source and get away from him. make sure u get your child support, and alimony too, don't show him any mercy. he needs to take care of his first family before taking care of her and the new child. think when they do hurtful things that they don't feel remorse or guilt, my ex felt nothing just must be what they do when they Are finished with us, act as if we never existed.

Answer 3

First off I am really sorry that you have gone through this horrible experience. I know this is very devasting and you feel extremely dissapointed in your husband. You didn't deserve that treatment and neither did your children. Your husband turned into a very selfish person by being weak and tempted by someone that has no morals or care for other people. My husband who was once a decent person betrayed our family also and it hurts so bad. Someone at his new job caused him to detach himself from us. It may take longer than a year but someday your husband will realize and regret what he has done to you and your children. He will someday have to answer to God. I wish I had some advice besides for saying time will help ease the pain but I don't because I am living this nightmare right now also. Take care and pray about it. Goodluck and someday we will be content and maybe even happy again.

Answer 4

How sad for you. I'm your husband's age, and I've never been married, and sometimes I wonder if I screwed up by not getting married, and he's out doing what I could be doing, and quite frankly, women 20 years younger hold no appeal.

You're not going to like the answer to this question: He's not interested in his family;he's interested in his new infatuation and building a realtionship with her.

How does interest in your family get that low? Well, assuming it's not purely character flaws on his part, relationships take a lot of work, and I only know this because I have kept track of my mistakes in them.

Things that kill romantic love (assuming it's not ALL integrity issues on his end): we want our spouses to be confident, respectable and to respect us, have a positive attitude, be flexible (not controlling) and give as much as they take, to take time for affection now and then, to make time for romance (go out on dates) and to posses integrity (actions, words, and emotions are consistent on the big issues).

To that end, I doubt he had any integrity while he was courting this woman (there was deception involved I am betting), but whether or not you like it, the fact that he says he doesn't care matches his actions now, so he understands how important integrity is to that relationship.

So while you do the post-mortem on your marriage, ask yourself if you are the confident, flexible, respectful and positive person that you can be, and if not... work to that end and let him go.

Answer 5

(((hugs))) I'm sorry this is happening to you. Please take extra special care of yourself during this time. I wish you well :-)

Here's some advice from the Dr. Phil website;
In time, it is absolutely vital to put the pain behind you and move forward with your life and love. Otherwise, you are giving away your power to the people who hurt you.

Grief is a process to go through, not a destination in which to wallow. In a process, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and each little step is part of your healing.

Define your real intentions. Are you trying to move past the breakup, or are you hoping to get back with your ex? You won't move on until you've accepted that the relationship is over.

Be careful about the language you use. When you use catastrophic terms like "nightmare," "terrible," and "horrible," you're bound to spend time dwelling on the negative. Focus on what you can do.

Sometimes you can't get over being hurt until you know you've been heard. Give yourself permission to express your anger and sadness.

Don't embarrass yourself or put yourself in a situation where you'll look back and feel humiliated. Driving past your ex's house, making dozens of phone calls or e-mailing non-stop is no way to let go of the past or come out with your head high.

Learn to trust again. Whenever you get involved in a relationship, you know there's a risk. Don't let a bad experience keep you from living your life to the fullest. You can go through life suspicious, or loving and laughing

Answer 6

I went thru almost the exact same situation as you 5 years ago. I was married forever, husband starts an affair with much younger co-worker, and he turned into a monster overnite. My father died during our divorce and he did not even show up at the funeral home to show respect to my mother. Things were really hard but it does get better. Sometimes it still causes a twinge in my heart, but it will get better for you. Email me if you want . Mine got his girlfriend pregnant too. They are now married and she is pissing away his money and his life. It all comes out in the end.

Answer 7

dear his feelings changed torward you...and i know this must be difficult for you b/c you put so much time and effort into a marriage that you thought was going fine, and now all of this has happened...seems like he wasn't happy anymore so he wanted to bail out instead of working it out....well anyways it's almost been a year and plus he has a baby on the way so it doesnt look to me as if he's coming back anytime soon...that's why it's time for you to start working on you and stop sitting around thinking about what he did to you hoping he'll come back one day... just erase those thoughts b/c your broken heart will never get a chance to heal until you start allowing yourself to move on.....it hurts like hell! i know but this is something you must do....he's moved on so why can't you??? if he can give up on you so easily.... then he's not even worth the pain you shouldnt even want him back...i think you've let your heart ache long enough...you deserve to be happy....let go of the pain and move on for the sake of you and your kids and i promise you will be much happier.

Answer 8

hi love all my sympathies..he will treat you and your kids this way as a way of dealing with guilt if he acts like he has done no wrong then maybe he can convince everyone and himself that all is ok....move on he has no remorse and dont waste time figuring it out he will be and is the loser here..ps just wait and see his response when you meet someone new you will have the last laugh..

Answer 9

It's hard to say why he has done this, but assure you what goes around comes around. My advice to you, is to leave him alone and do not pursue anything more. He will in time come to senses as you have 20 years of memories for him to deal with, right now he is doing his thing. There will come a day when his world will come crashing down just as yours is right now, he will then wonder what he did, I assure you of this, have heard countless stories of this happening. Sorry this has happened to you...

Answer 10

You and your kids have to move on. I know it is hard as a mother to see your children heartbroken, but they will heal and move on from this too. Don't worry. Every dog has his day, and believe me he will get his. All you have to do is sit back and do nothing except giving it over to God. You do that, and God will take care of it all. Hang in there.