I only have one brother in law and he didnt marry. I married my mother inlaws youngest and we buried her a week ago yesterday. Now its my place along with mother in laws nephews wife to clean her room out.. as in clothes etc. She MIL lived with her oldest son and he expects us to clean it all out so HE doesnt have to see her (Mil's ) stuff again. My gut has been tied up in knots since her passing. Anyone out there got any suggestions on how to handle this. Suppose to meet around 1 pm tomorrow to do this task. Thanks.
2007-02-11 09:56:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Hubby is a truck driver therefore he isnt home. Sorry failed to mention this. Brother in law and I dont get along but trying he works locally till 8 at night.
2007-02-11 10:47:46 · update #1
Cari F. Your answer made me cry.. Thanks i needed to cry. You are absolutely right. Everything you said.
2007-02-11 11:54:26 · update #2
You know, it is never okay to assume that someone will do something for you, and it sounds like your husband and your brother-in-law are assuming you will do this, without having talked to you and even shown you the consideration of seeing if you would be willing and able to. That said, there is something else I think you need to consider.
Your brother-in-law has been living with his mother. Now she is dead. That's a very hard thing. To have to go through her things when he was there with her every day, seeing her alive, and seeing her use/wear/handle her things has to be very painful for him. Every thing he looks at and sees will invoke thoughts and memories for him. His mother just died, for crying out loud. He is grieving and in pain. When I was going through my divorce, I lived with my mother too. She was giving me a place to get a fresh start while I was helping her out because she was dying and didn't know it (none of us did). My dad had already died 8 months before. I was there to call 9-1-1 when she had trouble breathing. I was the one who kept track of her medication, fixed her meals, helped her dress etc when she no longer was able to do these things. When she was rushed to the hospital, I thought she would be in the ICU for a few days, then be moved to a critical care unit, then a regular floor, and then come home. She died 2 days after being admitted. Fast forward a few weeks when my siblings and I had to go through our parents' belongings and distribute everything they had and get rid of things AND prepare their house to sell. This was an EXTREMELY painful process. There were 5 of us left (my brother died after my father died, but before my mother died). We kept procrastinating with this task because it was a very emotionally painful task. To see my mother's bathrobe in her closet reminded me of the times I'd remember her wearing it while she made those goofy attempts at animal-shaped pancakes. When I saw my Dad's ratty old western-style plaid shirts in his closet, I remembered why his shirts were so ratty. It was because my parents' cat took to my Dad (a former cat hater) and kept kneading my Dad's belly, and the cat's claws would snag on my Dad's shirt and make it ratty. I could give countless descriptions of how MUCH a loved one's things will evoke memories - some good, some bad.
Please, please cut your brother-in-law and your husband some slack. Their mother just died. This woman was very important in their lives, and now she is gone. It is a painful task for them to have to go through her things. Also, no matter how much a person can love their father, when a mother dies, somehow that seems to hurt even more. When people are grieving, they don't always think clearly or rationally, they may be forgetful, disorganized, grumpy, sad, they could even be in denial and be a little too happy for other people's comfort. These men in your life are grieving. Yes, they SHOULD have asked if you would be willing to go through their mother's things. They were taking you for granted. My guess is though, that they knew that out of love for them, you and the nephew's wife would step up to the plate because you married into the family and in so doing, are not as emotionally attached, & therefore better able to be up to the task. Please don't be so hard on these guys. It would be appropriate however, to tell them that you would be happy to help, but that it would have been nice if they hadn't just assumed you would do it. I am sorry for your loss. I know it isn't an easy time for you all. My sincere sympathies are with you, and I hope it all works out well tomorrow.
Addendum:
To Kitty: I'm sorry to have made you cry, but I'm glad if it helped.
2007-02-11 10:53:21 · answer #1 · answered by Chimichanga to go please!! 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He needs to go to the local authority and they will find a room for him. If he isn't prepared to help him self why worry!! Perhaps you mother in law needs to be firm and give her son a wake up call... I now its hard but if she doesn't do anything now he will still be there in six months.
2016-05-23 22:35:17 · answer #2 · answered by Linda 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some men see it as a woman's job to clean out the belongings of the dead. It is very soon after her passing to remove all her belongings. Do it with care and respect for your mother in law, treat her things with kindness, where would she have wanted them to go. They are a part of her and it is a final saying goodbye, as once they are gone, there is little way of getting them back. Good luck.
2007-02-11 10:09:02 · answer #3 · answered by ratth 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Condolences to you. If the brothers can't do it because of grief, you'll be doing them a great favor. It's one of the hardest things to do after losing a loved one.
Consider giving her clothes to goodwill or salvation army. If there are valuable objects, put them in a box and stash them away for a later time. If no one mentions them within a few years, and there's nothing you're interested in keeping, donate that also.
Good luck to you and know that you truly are doing a wonderful thing by helping them out.
2007-02-11 10:07:02 · answer #4 · answered by katydid 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Simply refuse to do it. Just tell them that you dont feel comfortable doing this and it isnt right either. Tell the guys to quit being whimps and just do it as it was their mother and its not your place to clean out the room. Good luck
2007-02-11 10:19:37 · answer #5 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Remember, you are an adult and you don't "have"
to do anything you don't want to. If you don't want to go and clean out the old bat's room don't. Tell the oldest son to clean it out, by the way where does your hubby stand on this isssue? When your husband comes home tell him to go clean out her crap.
2007-02-11 10:59:46 · answer #6 · answered by frigginhilarious 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Never heard of that, but im sure its cause itll wrack his nerves to be in there lookin at mommas stuff n knowin shes gone.. Thats kinda self centered to ask dontcha think?
2007-02-11 10:04:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Where is your husband in all this?
Your brother in law is being a jerk. Your husband isn't any better. Both need to, at the very least, help with this task. And they should actually do it all out of respect for your mother-in-law.
2007-02-11 10:05:22 · answer #8 · answered by Amy P 4 · 0⤊ 3⤋
It isn't your place; not if you don't want it to be.
Tell them that you feel entirely uncomfortable picking through the intimate belongings of your MIL. This is not your job and you simply cannot bring yourself to do it.
These are grown men, (at least I hope they are). They will figure it out on their own.
One word...
"NO"
Easy.
2007-02-11 10:06:56 · answer #9 · answered by shoestring_louise 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
go get it done try tellin stories about her to maybe show some humor next thing you know its over and done with turn the page
2007-02-11 10:06:08 · answer #10 · answered by swordaxefire 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋