Really need advice?

Question

I've been best friends with someone for five years now and we've maintained the majority of this friendship while she's lived over 2,000 miles away from me for the past three years.We see each other every summer. Recently, my best friend has started to hang out with people who drink and smoke pot. She's told me that now she drinks and parties with these people, and every time I talk to her she tells me about her crazy weekends. She's disappointed me so much. I found out on myspace that she was in a car with an unlicensed driver and alcohol. I've never dated, smoked, drank, am on the honor roll, and have hopes for my future. This is devastating me because I only have one friend other than her and it's a guy. I believe that every woman needs at least one other female to talk to other than family. Do you think that my best friend's new lifestyle will eventually put our long friendship to ruin? I don't know what to do.

Answer 1

You and I are sadly in pretty much the same boat. Luckily my friend hasn't started smoking pot, but has managed to get pregnant.

This may not be what you want to do, but here's what I've decided to do. I decided to stick it out with her and see where it goes. I casually let her know what I think of her lifestyle without being mean or motherly. Every now and then she'll ask my opinion that's when I let her know what I think, again without being over baring. All we can really do it be there for them when it all comes tumbling down. They'll need us then. I believe it was Maurice Gibb who once said, "It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion."

Hang in there and good luck.

Answer 2

All I can say is hang in there. When I was 16 a very close friend of mine changed, virtually overnight. Suddenly he was doing drugs, drinking excessively, missing classes, and generally making a mess of his life. While most of us were applying to universities, he decided not to bother.

It hurt me a great deal and I also disapproved of his choices - what's more is he not only didn't accept my efforts to help, but resented them.

Despite this, we remained friends, albeit tenuously at times, and are now very close friends again (at age 23). True friendships should be able to survive bad patches and unless she is extremely unfortunate, your friend will not stay this way forever.

As for the crazy weekends, the pot and the alcohol, well I firmly beleive that in moderation, it will do you no harm - my girlfriend went through a very crazy stage during her first year at university (though drugs were not generally on the menu). Now however, she has an undergraduate degree, a post graduate degree and is currently working on her PhD. She is loved and respected by many people - including my family which is no mean feat!! I suppose my point is that the crazy stage is quite normal and you shouldn't worry too much (easier said than done, I know). Hell, even I have been known to over indulge on occasion - there is no harm in drinking (as long as you keep out of the driver's seat of a car!), and even a bit of pot now and then never hurt anyone. It's not something that I've ever done personally, though I do actually intend to try sometime soon (best waiting until you're older and wiser I think!).

I think you need to accept your friend's choices and just keep reminding her that you hope she isn't doing herself harm, that you care for her and want only the best for her. Also, if she does screw things up, in this day and age opportunity is not so easily lost. The friend I referred to earlier has since gotten his act together and has just completed a highly specialised degree in environmental hazard management.

I hope you can keep it together with your friend and also, most importantly, if she invites you to visit and enjoy a weekend of being stupid - go along and have a go! As long as you keep common sense in your mind and don't give in to peer pressure, you'll be just fine.

Hope this helps!

Answer 3

Friendships do change over time. Some people change, and as you are seeing now, she may be someone who does not fit your lifestyle . If you really want to keep her as your friend talk to her and let her know how you feel about her actions, if she is a good friend she will understand and respect your feelings and hopefully she will try to change for the good of your friendship. If she doesn't change her ways you can still keep in touch just not on the friendship level you are use to. Friends come and go and maybe in some ways this is a lesson for you. Don't worry if this doesn't work out, you'll find a friend that is on the same page as you are.

Answer 4

Let me tell you something, girl: people change. There's no shame in having a little fun like drinking and going on a cruise. But smoking pot is indeed bad. It messses up the brain, you know. What I'm trying to tell you is that have your fun, but not to the max. There's a limit you can take. Beyond that limit lies the road to stupidity. But, hey, somethimes we might have to go through that point in order to learn form our mistakes. Maybe once your friend does this, she is going to realize how she messed up. Be patient, ok? If you know that she has develop a bad vice, that's when you jump in and say, hey you already crossed the line, so you gotta stop! Try your best although you both are part away. If you see that there's no stopping her, use an ultimatum, like your friendship. Which matters the most, her vices or you long-term friendship? Question her on this. I wish you the very best, girl. Good Luck!

Answer 5

I think it could put a damper on your friendship. Other than her lifestyle is she a good friend to you? Is she worth putting up with? It's her life she is ruining. You can't control her actions. But if you constantly tell her you don't approve of what she does then you will alienate her anyway. You two sound very different and your lives may be going in different directions. Friends will come and go. If she is really worth continuing a long life friendship with then stay in contact with her. But try to find new friends as well. You seem to need more companionship. Try finding somebody with more similar interests that you can talk to. But that doesn't mean you should stop being friends with someone who is the opposite of you. She could be a great person who is making wrong decisions. You really have to ask yourself if she is worth the effort. Her actions may lead her down a path of self-destruction. She may really need a good friend like you one day to help her. Her new found friends don't seem like the type to stick around. It's up to you do decide what do, but you have to weight your options. Good luck.

Answer 6

You are a good friend, being concerned and worried for her. I don't think you should just be her friend because you think you have to but if you really do enjoy your friendship with her. It has to work two ways. You should talk to her about your feelings and concern. Tell her you're worried about her and just want the best for her. If she cares, she'll understand and talk to you about her behavior.
You have to accept though that, her life now is 2,000 miles away, she's met new people, not necessarily great people but she's allowed to make her own mistakes and hopefully, in time she'll learn from them. She's probably trying to act 'cool' and 'grown-up' aswell. and if she won't listen to you and continues being a rebel, you're better off leaving her to her own, tell her to call you when she's ready and get on with your life. She WILL realise one day who her real friends are ; )

Answer 7

you can always find other friends. she probably need friends of her own when she got there. she went with the wrong crowd, and now she's stuck there. you can keep her as a friend, but you can always get more. i don't see how your friend can ruin the friendship. she's changed a bit now, but that's it.

it's always best to get many view points to solve a problem, her's is one of them. it's actually better to have a friend who is local, not all problems can be solved through email or myspace.

Answer 8

well if she was my friend or best friend, i would talk to her and well try to make her understand that what she's doing is only gonna make her life miserable! if she gets mad or stop talking to me, than i would just tell her that our relationship can no longer continue, well until she changes or something! True Friends are honest with each other!! and try to help her, don't just give up on her or stop talking to her!! :)

Answer 9

i think you should talk to her. she needs to understand that the way she is acting can ruin her life. tell her that she needs to stop. if she doesnt, try to help her to stop.

Answer 10

You always need to support your friends in good times and bad! Just try talking to her about it! Tell her your unconfortable about it and tell her that you are worried about her or dont think wat she is doing is right!