Question for the Bi People about Monogamy?

Question

As a lesbian I am curious to know something. Is it possible, for anyone who considers themselves to be bisexual, to be in a long term monogomas relationship?

For example, if a man considers himself to be bisexual that means he dates both men and women. When he is with a woman he is considered straight, but when he is with a man, he is in a gay relationship.

So as to not identify with being just gay or straight, I would think he would have to keep changing partners every so often so he can keep saying that he's bisexual.

I guess I'm confused on how a person can't just identify as either gay or straight. Maybe I don't understand the whole bisexual thing of being attracted to both men and women. Maybe someone could help explain that to me, also. I just don't see how anyone who calls themselves bisexual could every have a loving long-lasting meaningful relationship. Does anyone care to explain it to me?

To Spotted-Moofers: Your husband allows you to have your flings with women when you feel the need to be with one. Your husband is living every straight man's fantasy so of course he wouldn't object. But I'm sure he would object if you wanted to be with a man. I don't care how understanding a relationship is...you are cheating on your husband. The sad thing is..your husband knows exactly what he's doing. Living out his fantasy. If you truely loved and cared about your husband and only your husband - you wouldn't feel the need to be with anyone else.

I understand that people don't choose who they are attracted to. It just happens. And I understand that a lot of people don't understand how I am attracted to a woman. I never said that there was anything wrong with being bisexual. I am just trying to understand it more. Just like people should open their minds and try to understand gays and lesbians more. (but that's a whole other soapbox for me to get on...lol)

Answer 1

Good question!

I'm a bisexual woman, and let me tell you that it is DEFINITELY possible for bisexual people to be in long-term monogamous relationships. I know many happily married, monogamous bisexual people, men and women both.

You say "If a man considers himself to be bisexual that means he dates both men and women", but that's simply not true. If someone dates two people of different genders simultaneously, they are polyamorous, and the bisexuality is just something else they are, not the cause of the polyamory.

There are bisexual virgins and bisexual people who have never been with both sexes, but they're still bisexual, and I'll tell you why: it's because your sexual orientation is defined by your sexual desires, not your sexual actions or your partner du jour.

You're right; for most of society, unless a man or woman is either dating a man and woman at the same time or constantly switching it up, it's hard for him or her to be considered bisexual. That's why there's so much confusion in general society and people assuming that all bisexuals are 'really gay' or that bisexuality is 'just a phase'. A bisexual man in a monogamous marriage to a woman is often seen as straight, sadly enough, and a similar man in a monogamous relationship with a man is seen as gay. But it doesn't negate the fact that he's bisexual and has such desires.

You're not alone; many people simply just can't understand bisexuality. I very much appreciate your trying to understand us, though (versus the idiots who say bisexuality doesn't exist or we're greedy and that we should just choose already). As far as having a loving, long-lasting, meaningful relationship as a bisexual, my explanation is this: my bisexuality means that I find both sexes attractive. I could be with either, the same way that a heterosexual man could potentially be with any woman in the world. However, when he gets monogamously married, that man gives up every other woman except the one that he chose. Same with me as a bisexual; when in a relationship, I'm not choosing women over men or vice-versa, I'm choosing that one person I love (Jane Doe, John Smith), and saying no to everyone else.

Does that make sense? I hope so. Thanks for your question, and remember, bisexuality is a real, valid sexual orientation. We are, however, a very maligned group of people, with so many stereotypes, misperceptions, myths, and outright hatred against us! I just wish I could tell everyone that we are NOT:

1) Greedy.
2) Confused.
3) In a 'phase'.
4) Indecisive.
5) Horny or sex-addicted or nympomaniacal.
6) People who want to have their cake and eat it, too.
7) Necessarily polyamorous or in open relationships.
8) Commitment-phobic or unfaithful.
9) Really gay or straight and in denial.
10) Really gay or straight but getting perks/avoiding condemnation by being bisexual.
11) Necessarily into group sex.
12) Necessarily equally split in their love of each sex.
13) Necessarily experienced with both sexes in order to call ourselves 'bisexual'.
14) The spreaders of disease from the gay community to straight.
15) When it all boils down to it, any different from anyone else.

Hope that helps!

Answer 2

Of course they can!

Say as a lesbian you are attracted to large breasts. But you meet a girl whom you fall in love with, only she has small breasts. Could you still have a loving long term relationship with her. As long as you love the PERSON, of course you could.

Bisexual people are attracted to both sexes, most bisexuals will tend one way or the other, some are attracted equally to both genders.

When you love someone, you love THEM. Not what's between their legs.

Bisexual people do not HAVE to be with both sexes, they are ABLE to be attracted to both sexes.

As a lesbian you must know that some women "can't undertsand" being attracted to other women. Just know that bisexual people are different from you, and that is ok.

Cheating is cheating whether with another man or with a woman. If you truly LOVE the PERSON you will not cheat on them... period.

Answer 3

Well...I was married for 5 years but found myself attracted to this Lesbian co-worker. This attraction came out of the blue for me. Maybe I had thought lightly about it in the past but never thought I'd ever really "allow" myself to be attracted to another female or pursue a relationship. I tried to pursue the relationship but found out she was involved with a four-year relationship, even though she flirted with me and I felt there was a mutual attraction. I ended up divorcing my husband and now I don't think I'm meant to be with another female but I don't know what my future holds. I have found myself attracted to other men and so I think it's just about who you meet in life and it's all on an individual basis. That's for me, anyway. I don't know about others...

Answer 4

sexual orientation and sexual activity are two different things.. are you saying that a virgin is neither gay, straight, or bi, until they actually have sex with someone? of course not.. sexual orientation is all about feelings.... not about actions.

being bisexual means we happen to have the potential to be attracted to either men or women.. yet in many cases, we can be happy dating one person and one person only.. many bisexuals are happily married to one person and have no interest or intention of having an additional fling on the side.

the other side of the coin, many bisexuals do feel the need to date one of each sex concurrently, and sadly, many bisexuals are married yet cheat.

i am bisexual, i am capable of being attracted to men, women, and transsexuals, but my goals have never changed.. i want to be married to ONE person and have that person be my one and only sex partner in life..

a strange twist, i am also transgendered, so i don't see myself dating or becoming married until i transition..

Answer 5

But why would a bi person be more or less likely to be monogamous (or polygamous)? The fact that you are attracted to both genders has nothing to do with whether or not you can be faithful to a partner you've already committed to.

A bi person who commits to one person is just as likely to be satisfied in monogamy as a straight person, I would think...

Answer 6

I'm a bi-female. I was married for three years. My husband knew well that I was bi. So whenever I needed to be with a woman, he understood, and just sat off to the sidelines and watched us. Some may consider this cheating, but in understanding relationships, all can work out. Also, he didn't consider it cheating to be with someone of the same sex.

Answer 7

i think of serial monogmay is the main simple concern for human beings. i could anticipate that gender and orientation could influence attitudes on monogamy - sort of, adult adult males see it as undesirable, and girls see it as good, in maximum societies. curiously, gay adult adult males tend to have far greater companions than gay woman do. which means reasearch into adult adult males's and girls's concepts approximately monogamy holds actual for those of a various sexual orientation.

Answer 8

Simple... For some people, finding "Mx. Right" doesn't require specific anatomy, just the right personality.