How do you make the choice to leave a marriage?

Question

My husband and I have nothing i common anymore, he only goes out with his friends and won't take me out even if I pay! He never is physical anymore even though I do everything to try. I am attractive so I dont know what the problem is? He always is gone and never does anything at home except sleep and eat. I feel like i contribute and he does nothing for this marriage or me. we have one young child. I am lonely and bored with this relationship but don't know if i should give up on it or not?

I am not saying I have not drifted also and this is totally his fault. I mean we are both to blame I guess even though i seriously have put forth an effort to make it work and he does nothing but sit

Answer 1

Sounds like he's just not interested in being married anymore, but doesn't want to go through the whole divorce thing.

He wants all the advantages of single life I think without going through the trouble to get there.Sounds like he spends a lot of time away from home, maybe you should find out what it is that he's doing and maybe you can find something new in common

Answer 2

It's hard, isn't it? You hate to admit you were wrong to think it would last forever. I suspect you need to discuss this openly between you. Chances are, given the fact that sex has faded out of the picture, that he's feeling it's no go, too. Believe me, sex is usually the LAST thing to go if there's any hope. Doesn't need to be a fight, but an honest recognition that you have different directions to go.

If you can do this in a mature, civilized way, your child will probably be better off than if you stay together. I know that people often talk about "stay together for the sake of the child," and when both of you think it is worthwhile, maybe it is.

But there are also dignified, gentle divorces, where people admit that it's just better they get on with being separate people leading separate lives, but staying close enough for sharing your child to be as easy as possible. Because the child needs to be on good terms with both mother and father, and both sets of grandparents and other relatives.

Again, a civilized give and take, using an impartial mediator as necessary, can make that something which is ultimately better for the child. This is especially true if you both remarry and choose well the second time, thereby validating your decision that your own marriage was better ended.

It's hard, but you don't have to make it harder if you get reasonable people who are willing to cooperate. How do your parents and your in-laws shape up on the reasonableness scale? How about sisters and brothers on both sides?

And once you do get on your own, be cautious and take your time regarding remarriage. Don't be in a hurry. Let those who know and like you gradually become aware of the fact that you might just consider an offer if it was from a good man who really wanted to talk you into it. Let them pursue. You say you are attractive in a very matter-of-fact, not defensive way, that indicates it is probably a simple fact. After all, there are so many different ways to be attractive, and beauty truly is largely in the eye of the beholder. So take your time looking over your beholders, OK? For the sake of your child, it is worth double to be cautious.

Answer 3

It sounds to me like you are still in love with your husband and its your husband who has given up on the marriage. If you decide to leave then it will be the result of his neglect, not because of you wanting to end the marriage. The only solution to this problem is to first find out what is going on with him....why is he neglecting you? Find out the reason why he is behaving like this, then you will know what to do. You will know if this marriage is going to work or not. Everything depends on whether he wants the marriage to work too....he is an equal partner in this marriage, and if how he is treating you is making you miserable, then he needs to give you an explanation. Maybe he doesnt want the mariage to work...maybe he is bored too. If that is the case, you wont have many options but to leave. It is no good working on a marriage that the other person doesnt want...you would be banging your head up against a brick wall. Demand an explanation from him, hes your husband and he needs to respect that you have a right to the truth. Once you find out what is going on with him and why he is treating you more like a maid than a wife, then you will be able to decide whether you should stay or go. Until that happens, you will always be in two minds because you dont know why he is treating you like this. Talk to him, tell him how you are feeling. Tell him that you are thinking about leaving the marriage....force him to give you the truth. If he knows you are thinking about leaving maybe he will fess up what is going on. If you are important to him, then he will find ways to salvage this marriage. Communication and more communication, with each other I mean, is the only thing that will tell you whether to stay or to go.

I wish you all the very best.

Answer 4

Everything you are saying happens at one time or another in marriages. You mentioned that you have a small child. This can be very stressful for a marriage. Don't misunderstnd what I am saying, I'm sure you both love your child. However, your first commitment was to each other. From the sounds of it , this relationship didn't start falling apart yesterday, it won't be fixed by tomorrow.

Answer 5

The child makes all the difference in your situation. If you didn't have the child, I'd say it's okay to leave and find someone you'll be happier to begin a family with. However, if you end this because you are "bored", you will be hurting your own child. Children want and need their parents, and no child should ever have their security torn to shreds because mom or dad got "bored". Imagine your child at age 20, and explaining to her or him why you decided it was important for the family to break up when they were little. Do right by your child first.

Answer 6

Look, I know how hard the situation is because I'm kind of in the same boat, but from an opposite angle. Have you tried to explain how you feel to him? If so, does he argue and make excuses? As much as it pains me to say this, there are men who put on a hell of a show to win a woman's affection; but once they have won, they think the game's over when it's actually just beginning. I hope this isn't how your husband thinks, because it's becoming a typical male habit, but shouldn't be. I guess the best thing you can do is lay your cards on the table and tell him; if he says he'll try harder, give him a chance. Otherwise, cut your losses and try again with someone you know better.

Answer 7

i would just let him know what you are truly thinking and feeling and then once he knows, he can make the choice to either help out and put some effort into the marriage, or risk losing you and your child---i mean, no one deserves to stay in a lonely, loveless, unhappy marriage, espeically w/ a child and you doing all the work----i mean if he won't choose, then you have to decide how much you can take, but i am betting that if this continues, you 2 will be getting a divorce........ur husband sounds pretty selfish to me.

Answer 8

That's tough...

I would try talking to him...have a real heart-to-heart (when your child is gone or in bed for the night...it's gonna be a long talk). Talk to him about your feelings as well as his...be honest with each other. Talk to each other about what you have and what you want out of your marriage.

Please don't stay in the marriage JUST for the sake of your child. It ends up so much worse for the child in the end if you do that...no one will be happy that way. I speak from experience on this one...my mom did that. It was much harder being 16 and having my parents divorce than it would have been growing up with them apart.

Answer 9

Sorry to hear. The life you lead is not living! Leave him. For your child and you. He is not contributing to the marriage. He is taking from you and the child. Blatantly disrespecting you both. On all levels. The child deserves to be in a loving home and you deserve love and respect as the child does. Everyone has the desire and the right to be loved. Dear dad needs to grow up. Anytime you are disrespected in a marriage is when you end it. As in any other situation in life. Good luck.

Answer 10

Have you tried to talk to your husband about this? Have you tried a counsellor? Believe me, splitting up is not easy either, particularly if you have a child. I am sure you are very miserable but it is worth trying to sort things out before you decide to split up with your husband. After all, there must have been a time when you loved each other and wanted to be together.