My 16 yr. old is pg. She terminated a pregnancy 3 mo ago. I choose not to have any part of this. is that wrong

Question

I'm 33 years old raising a 16 yr old, 4 year old, and a 2 year old. I was a teen mom myself. I have stressed the importance of being a teen mom and my daughter was fooling around with a 14 year old wanna be gangster. I advised my daughter to terminate her first pregnancy in November. Around January she ran away from home to her boyfriend's house. Now she's pregnant again. I choose not to be a part of this at the moment. My mom is constantly reminding me that she still is my daughter. I am aware of that. But why should I jeopardize my whole life to help support this child? I was nowhere around when my daughter was looking for a ride to her bf's to get pregnant. This pregnancy by the way, is planned. I am not shutting my daughter out, but grandma is always there to rescue her. She's not at all concerned about this pregnancy. All she knows is that she wants to have this baby and I've advised her to consider adoption. The boyfriend doesn't have no part in this as well. Need some advise.

Answer 1

I applaud you for making a tough decision the first time and helping her to make the right decision in getting an abortion. She moved out. She planned a pregnancy. I would suggest to her that she go to a judge and request to be emancipated so it is clear to everyone that you are no longer responsible for her. She has made it clear that she is making her own decisions and doesn't care about anyone or anything else.

If she asks for advice then give it to her. Support her emotionally. Encourage her to visit planned parenthood and get some counselling. Maybe they can pair her up with a recent teen mom so that she can better understand what she is getting herself into.

But I would not allow her to return to your home. She is a bad example to her siblings. Do not give her any money. Do not babysit not even while she is in school. There are programs to help her with day care you don't need to bail her out. The only way that she is going to learn to be responsible is through tough love. If she doesn't have to worry about money or shelter for her baby she will continue to act like the world revolves around her. If you feel you need to have her at home then charge rent.

If she keeps the baby then she needs to be 100% responsible. She should figure out that it's not a play doll pretty quick. Provide emotional support only. Encourage her to give it up for adoption. Take her to walmart and add up the price of diapers, formula, toys bibs, bottles, baby shampoo, and cloths. Make sure she understands how often she'll need to buy all of these things. Then let her watch you pay the bills. Show her how much it costs for rent, water, electricity, car, gas insurance, etc. Unless she is emancipated, you will likely be responsible for medical bills. Take her to the hospital and find out the delivery costs. Let her know you expect her to pay the money.

As far as the people saying that the 14 year old father needs to provide support, what kind would that be? Do you think a 14 year old is truly capable of understanding the consequences of bringing a child into the world? Most states don't allow you to legally work until you are 16. I doubt the baby was planned on his part. He would be incapable of providing any type of meaningful emotional support. Sounds like the baby would be better off without him. Your daughter would be smart to get him to sign away parental rights as quickly as possible. He can offer nothing.

I would explain to your mother that you understand that she loves your grandaughter. However, this is going to be a tough lesson and she is not going to learn it if your mom keeps undermining you. Ask your mom to support you in making it clear to your daughter that she will be there only emotionally.

You said the boyfriend is out of the picture. Where is she living?

good luck. People have said some mean things, but you know what is right. Follow your heart. If you give in the baby and your daughter will suffer more in the long run.

Answer 2

Wow.

More than ever you need to be supportive and by your daughter's side. If your mother is still talking to you, you should show the same respect and compassion towards your daughter. If your daughter thinks she's ready for a child and she's 16, she really needs your help! People in their teens aren't ready for children because they're still growing physically and emotionally.

Sit her down and talk to her like an adult. Explain that this is not what you want for her and you only want the best for her. Tell her that she is always loved by you but that she needs to understand her body is just not ready to support a child now, and so is she. If she really wants to get pregnant, she would need to be married and have a job and home of her own to support a child. This is not to say you should kick her out, but try to make her see the responsibility -and cost- of having a baby. Good luck.

Answer 3

The hardest job in the world is being a parent, and the hardest thing is knowing that your child is taking the wrong path. Let her learn the hard way (tough love) set down the ground rules and let her know that this baby will be her responsibility. Watch the baby when she goes to school, and only school. If she wants to do grown folk things let her suffer the consequences of her actions. Express to her grandmother that this is how it is to be and you would appreciate a little support in this matter. Let grandma know that you don't want her to undermine your authority.

It's time to treat her as an adult. My sister did the same thing, and pawns her children off on me. She will ask me to watch her kids while she is at work, and won't return until days later. There are times when I get tired of this, but I know the kids need love. The only regret I have is that I didn't do as my mother asked, and let her learn the hard way. My only fear is that my sister's children will some day resent her, because all she wants to do is party. Make your daugher be responsible. God bless, and my prayers are with you.

Answer 4

Your daughter is wrong for getting pregnant at a young age, but what's done is done. It wouldn't be fair to the child. I am somewhat shocked that you advised to terminate your own grand child, no matter how old your daughter is.

Surely you remember how hard it was to raise a child as a teenager yes? You should help her. She is still your daughter, but she will no longer have the privlages of a child now that she is to be a mother. You need to help her understand all that it takes to be a mother, once the child is born, you don't want it to suffer because of her mistakes. Guide her, but don't do everything for her.

Adoption is sometimes nice, but think about how many children are ALREADY in the foster care system. Many children over the age of 10 don't get adopted out. They stay in foster homes for the rest of their lives. Many children are indeed better off with their birth parents because when you send them away to foster homes, their life can be much worse than what it was when they were with their birth parents. Children get abused and raped in foster homes, but it is less likely to happen if they are with their birth parents or even relatives of their birth parents.

Talk to her. Let her know what she is in for. Help her find a way to financially support the child and get the bf for all he's worth. It takes two to tango and if he can have sex, he should be able to have SOME involvement. Talk to his parents and see what they have to say. Consider a paternity test if they are reluctant to belive. Don't make her being pregnant seem like burden or punishment for anyone. Every child is a blessing, no matter how they are concieved.

If anything is similar or the same as to what it was like when you were young, try to make it better. Could you have terminated your daughter then? At least this one is planned, maybe once she figures out what it is like to have a child this young, she will be more careful next time and wait till she is with the right man and married.

Answer 5

Why did you make her have an abortion the first time? If you hadn't she wouldn't be pregnant for the second time about to abort again. Killing kids should not be for fun. You should have made her Carry the baby full term and put it up for adoption but insted you gave her the easy way out. Well who would have thought she would not have learned a lesson? She is learning this from you. You were a teen mom and now she wants to be one. Do you really have the right to judge her for something you did yourself? The whole this about you jeopardizing your life to help her is crap. If you had been keeping her in line and a better check on what she is doing this would not have happened once much less twice. Take some responsibility here.

Answer 6

I don't really see why helping your daughter would involve "jeopardizing your whole life". If the girl's grandmother is there and supporting her, then all you have to do is be a doting grandmother to your new grandchild. You don't need to support your daughter financially or allow her to stay in your home. You do need to let her know in advance what kind of support you are willing to offer her, and what you're not willing to do. This way, she can make an informed decision as to whether or not to have the baby. Once you've put your foot down, leave it there.

I also suggest that you have your daughter obtain copies of the father's birth certificate and social insurance number, so that she can be sure he will fulfill his financial responsibilities.

Answer 7

Wow, what's sad is you have warned her about this yet she still chose to defy you. Grandma need to butt out, I know it's not nice to say but Grandma is not going to be around to raise that child and and subsequent children. You daughter may still chose not to listen to you and there is not much you can do to make her unless she harms the fetus in any way and she can actually go to jail which might even be a good thing as they will ensure proper pre-natal health. If you daughter understands you will have no part in this cut her out completely unless she chooses to straighten up and either put the child up for adoption or get a job to start supporting herself. Life is tough but she's forcing herself to learn the hard way. Good Luck!

Answer 8

Well she didn't learn the first time so its time for a different approach. I don't suggest disowning her or washing your hands of the situation.

If you forced her to abort again, it will only happen again.

I would suggest accepting who she is but having a heart to heart with her. Advise her that this will be a struggle for not only her, you, her siblings, and the baby.

Being a teen mom yourself I am sure you can see her point of view. Maybe is you accept the baby under the condition that she completes school and gets a job immediately after, things can turn out for the better?

Answer 9

What did your mom do when you were pregnant? Think about how you felt when you were a teen mom? Support your daughter, tell her that you will give her advise, but not take care of the child. She should be able to make her own decision about that. Tell her the importance of going to school. You can be supportive without taking care of the child.

Answer 10

Maybe your daughter is determined to have this baby because she thinks this is the only way to have someone love her unconditionally. She needs you now more then ever and you are turning your back on her. Did your mother turn her back on you when you got pregnant? Why is helping your daughter jeopardizing your whole life, are your children not your whole life? I don't know the whole situation of course and I don't know your relationship with your daughter but I am glad that she has grandma to turn to when this are crazy. She is seeking attention in a very destructive manor. Try pulling yourself away from the situation emotionally and try to view it from her side. YOUR HER MOTHER, YOU SHOULD NOT SHUT HER OUT, YOU SHOULD BE PART OF THIS RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT. BECAUSE YOU ARE HER MOTHER. YOU ASKED IF YOU ARE WRONG. I BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE. I had my first child at a young age. My parents helped me get thru school graduate and helped with my son. We were only there for 3 years and I have been on my own raising my now 3 children on my own. But as I stated earlier. I don't know anything of your relationship with her. So I may be out of line.