Should a parent go behind the other parents back and allow them to disrespted the other parent?

Question

For instance is 0 degrees outside and I tell my 12 year old daugher(who of course knows everthing and tries to tell us what to do) not to wear suede sandals because of two reasons 1 its 0 degrees and your foot is only half covered 2 because is wet and salty out and dont want you to ruin your suede sandals that cost $40-
Now with the question out of the way here is what happened I ask here nicely 3 times on 3 seperate occassions not to wear them until at least until the weather got above freezing, 3 times after that within 1 weeks time see comes home with those clogs on, the last time I hid them in my room, my wife takes them out and gives them back to her and says its ok wear them.
I'm I nuts or is this total disrespect on my wife's part to tell the 12 year old (who doesnt listen to begin with ) I wonder why that is, to go ahead and dont worry about what I say, somebody please help me on this one, losing my marriage over sandals is crazy I love her but she;s killing me.

Answer 1

wow! i think if it were me i would be sitting down with my spouse and explaining that your in this marriage together, as well as the raising of the kids.that it is not going to help this child to get one answer from one parent and another answer from the other.explain to her that the two of you need to work with each other not against each other. if she continues doing this. then i would let her know that this is causing conflict in the marriage. seems to me that she dont really care.

Answer 2

You should stand united for the child. But you also have to be willing to compromise as does mom. Come to a decision together before the child is talked to. After all it is her feet and not yours.If she is insistent on wearing them let her. However I would be sure and tell her that she will not be getting another pair of those clogs once she has ruined them. And when she comes down sick remind her that the decisions you make for her are for her good.That will make her think twice. Am sure you in all probability will be out the money for a Dr's visit and possibly medication but she will learn the hard way. I know I have went through the same battle 3 times over now. Your wife needs to understand that she is disrespecting you that child and herself. She is not doing that child any favors in the long run. If she continues her behavior that girl will be a walking disaster and will wind up being taught harder lessons by people that do not love her. And believe me no one wants to go through that. I have had 3 kids in juvenile programs because of their pride and doing what they were told not to from the beginning. Like it or not it still reflects back entirely on me! I would like to think I did the very best for my children while raising them. I will say I did my best. I will also say somehow that didn't seem good enough. The child needs to learn as we all have that with any actions that she will be held accountable. That is a part of growing up for all of us. She is soon to be an adolescent and sounds like she has hit adolescence early as all of mine did. With the spouse I had the same problem you are having. And I know it is no joy ride. I think family and marital counseling are in order. It helped us all out tremendously. And allowed each one of us to see our problems and learn better ways to communicate and keep the peace. Good luck to you all.

Answer 3

I am probably a little like your wife. It is hard being a mom to a daughter because you want them to confide in you. You know dadd's little girl right. So I am getting a divorce right now mainly based on this very thing. I wouldn't back up my husband until it was too late in disiplining our daughter. You need to joint parent your daughter. Sit down with your wife and have the meeting before the meeting with you daughter. Become that united front. From someone who knows and lost a 15 year marriage because of it. Good luck.

Answer 4

first, don't ask her not to wear them. tell her not to wear them. second you and your wife need to come to an agreement about issues. when the child asks for something ask her if she has aked her mother/father yet. if so then tell her that she already got the answer.. it worked for me and mine when our kids tried to do the same thing. if they lie then a grounding is in order...don't tolerate this or they will take advantage you must back up the first answer even though it may not be your answer. of course if safety is involved then that overrules