How do I get my daughter to stop being selfish and realize she needs to take care of her grandfather?

Question

I have a 22 yr old daughter who graduated in May with a degree in English. Since then, she's worked for only 1 month in a customer service job, and was let go because she couldn’t meet the sales requirements.
The semester before her graduation, I offered her a job through our family’s business caring for my father-in-law. He has Alzheimer’s, and if he isn’t in the later stages now he will be soon. She declined, saying she felt she wasn’t able to capably perform the responsibilities. She also told us she was concerned the severe depression she’d been treated for four months earlier would come back. I became angry, since the other members of our family all work and he needs full-time care.
She failed to find employment, and moved home. For 2 weeks, I constantly hinted we needed her help. She finally agreed, and started helping for about 5 hours every day. Even after she started helping, I told her many times she could do more.

Answer 1

First you need to realize that this might be as difficult for you as it is for your daughter. If your daughter was very close with her grandfather, then this Alzheimer thing can be very difficult for her to go through even though she might not show it. And her problem with depression may make this even more difficult for her.
However, if she just does not seem to care about her grandfather. Or if this does not really affect her. You need to realize that you can not force her to change her mind. She is a grown adult with her own set of morals and values. What seems to be the most important thing on your agenda may not align with hers. I understand this is a difficult time for everyone in your family. But constantly hinting her to help more is not going to make her want to do it more. To her, it i will just seem like you are nagging her.
I do not suggest you give her the ultimatium of living in your house and help or moveout; this will worsen you two's relationship. Once again, I sympathize with the difficulty of this issue, but your best bet is to help her find another job and using the money you are using to her to hire another nurse that can take care of him.

Another thing you need to do is to consider things from your daughter's view. To her, you might be the one that is selfish. Forcing her to do something that is not her responsibility. And she might be right when she says she felt she wasn’t able to capably perform the responsibilities, not everyone is fit to preform responsibilities that is needed to take care of someone with Alzheimers.
Hope that helped.
Im sorry about your father-in-law.

Answer 2

Ok Dad, hold on a minute!! Lets go back, just a little bit. Did you say she was previously diagnosed with severe depression. And only a few months ago. From real life experience I am going through a depression and severe anxiety and have only been on medication for two months. If you do not know, you should ask someone experienced with depression. That it takes about two months, sometime shorter amount of time, for depression medication to have a full affect on the body. I am not in the field of psychology but I am experienced in the medical field.
1. With depression, family members that are really concerned about thier loved ones, don't push things on them, don't rush having a full time responsibility. Taking care of an elderly man suffering from alzheimer's is a bigger job, mentally and physically for a non depressed sane person.
2. Please don't verbally force things to her about what she should do and should not do. Man, you sound like anal retentive control freak!!!!! Are you a Virgo, or Aries?
3. Don't lose your patience (Getting mad over something you could be taking care of your self.) Let her focus on getting well with this before you start making anal demands. I'm sure she can help out more, and is a genuinely sweet girl. The reason she is depressed any way is probably because of you. Sorry, but the truth will set you free.

4. Don't blame her or blow up about what should and should not be her responsibilty. Don't call her names and get mad at her. You need to relax bro!!! Just chill!!
Everything does not revolve around you and you have no control of time (like: it needs to be done at this time, when are you going to do this, or how long is this going on.) Be patient with others and they will be patient with you.
God has control over all, not you and there will come the day when you have to be cared by her. You don't know what state of mind she will be in, you don't know if you will be cared for at all, you never know the future

Answer 3

This is one of the toughest situations any family can face; tough one on several levels. First of all, she needs to get a job. Caring for an Alzheimer's patient requires a lot of patience and a lot of tolerance. I don't think it's right for her to be forced into taking care of this man even though he's her Grandfather. It's sad that she has no sense of family responsibility, though. You need to apply "tough love" here. Give her a deadline to get a job or get into a graduate program with career orientation and get out of the house. You'll only make yourself sick here. You father-in-law needs visiting nurse or aides. You should call social services and see what programs he's eligible for.

My wife was an English major. She's worked as a reporter for a local paper, in public relations, as an editor for a book company, etc. So there is a life after majoring in English. As for your daughter, she'll stay at home and whine until you put your foot down.

Answer 4

good lord, do no longer take the infant, you will finally end up in handcuffs. Legally that's merely her infant. I do understand that that's your grandchild, etc. Bu have you ever asked her motives why? till she has some very own reason, i could think of that she is merely attempting to bond along with her infant on an identical time as the infant continues to be very new. a week is an prolonged separation, thinking it can be a million/4 of the infant's lifetime as much as now. additionally, if she is nursing, this could be out of the question. attempt compromising. in case you reside far-off, ask your son and daughter-in-regulation to return stay for a week. Or if she's close, perhaps an afternoon could be greater existence like. Or, wait somewhat longer and then grant her a ruin to gt some relax, while the infant is a few months old. i do no longer think of she is being selfish. What if your mom in regulation asked the you to deliver your infant away for a week while your son became born? Your hormones could kick in and it could experience horribly unnatural. i could subject greater abut her mothering skills if she suggested confident! attempt to artwork it out, or you will merely placed greater distance between your self and your grandchild. good success, and congrats on being a grandma.

Answer 5

I think you are way out of line. I understand being disappointed in her, that she doesn't have the motivation or heart to do more, but each person is made up of different stuff. Perhaps you can talk to her and ask her in what ways she is comfortable helping. Maybe she would be better off making food, doing laundry, and other things that aren't necessarily hands on with her grandfather? Not everyone is strong enough or cut out to take care of an elderly, sick relative, and the fact that you are getting angry at her is well, in my opinion out of line. If you are so worried about him, why aren't you making changes to care for him youself? I think perhaps you are angry because you wish you were the one who had the guts and strength to take care of him, but you don't.....so what if everyone else works....it's not her burden to shoulder, poor girl, she's probably grown up with you always hinting that it's not enough, that she's not good enough. SHAME ON YOU....no wonder she had severe depression four months ago.

Answer 6

well, first of all, it's not her *responsibility* to care for her grandfather. she is an adult with a life of her own and it's time for you as a mother to accept that. That being said, it may be that the only thing you can do to get it through to her that she needs to work is one of two things.

1) start charging her rent to live in your house. she's an adult and ought to be out on her own now, so she should be paying rent.

2) put her out of the house. don't let her squat for free if she's not going to contribute to the household at all.

Also, I have trouble believing this situation. A whole family does not put their lives on hold to care for an elderly member. I understand that they work, but you can't hold it against your daughter if she doesn't want to work full time as a nurse for her grandfather. It's not fair to her. She should want to help, and if she doesn't, you can't force her.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, I hope at least some of my advice provides an answer to some of the questions that you're having. Good luck.

Answer 7

I'm sorry, but your daughter seems to have answered very truthfully. If she feels she cannot perform the duties it requires, she needs to be listened to. I think that if she is forced to do more than she is it will not have a good outcome for her or her grandfather. I know this doesn't help with your needs, and it's very frustrating. I feel she needs to continue to seek employment though, and contribute to the family in other ways.

Answer 8

Your daughter gave you two excellent reasons why she didn't feel equipped to care for her grandfather. Even so, she is now caring for her grandfather five hours per day.

Based on what you've said, I don't believe she is being selfish.

Instead of focusing on what she's not doing, consider expressing your appreciation for what she is doing. And make sure she has time - and your support - to seek other employment.

Answer 9

You have no right to force her to take care of grandfather . This is not her dad and she is 22 yr old. So she is having trouble, does this give you the right to force your responsibility on to her? Anways, She needs to move on with her life

Answer 10

Hi,
I understand your daughters situation, but you need to talk to her in calm way to make her understand that although seeing her grandfather may make her feel depressed, it is important for her to visit him as he is in a situation where he needs constant support from his family. If she could try and not think of her father with this disease and help her grandfather think in a positive way, maybe that could help cure her depression.

I hope this can help you.