Isnt that what everyone wants from a mate in a relationship? No one wants to be treated badly or cheated on or do they? What can I do to stop having what I consider to be admirable qualities about myself, being used against me?
2007-02-11 05:47:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
You teach people how to treat you , Dr. Phil McGraw says and it's true.
You allow people to walk all over you because of your good qualities, but that 's not positive self-esteem that's being a door mat.
When someone does something that is against your boundaries , your personal code, how you want to be treated, tell him or her. Hey you can't treat me like that and if you want to , hope you don't hurt yourself as you out the door and really mean it.
Most men don't like clinging needy women, no matter what the tv and movies tell you. It's a new age and day and your life is your own, not anyone else's , it's up to you to teach people how you want to be treated and constantly reinforce that.
What you really seem to be asking is if you can actually make it without having a man and I'm here to tell you, you can't give something to someone else that you haven't given to yourself first.
If you don't respect and love yourself first how do you expect anyone else to, and what kind of example will you set for your children if you keep on behaving this way?
Read Nathaniel Brandon's Six Pillars of Self -Esteem, I think it will help.
2007-02-11 05:59:29 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to tell without any details; there are two things that might be going on.
The other person may just be a user; in which case, be gone.
It might be that you give and give, and tend not to expect reciprocation. People get used to this easily. Simply leaving won't solve the problem, as you might be training the other to expect everything and give nothing.
No one takes a servant seriously as a lover.
Give, within reason; expect a reasonable amount in return.
I guess it your inclusion of the word 'loyal' that makes me suspicious here.
It depends what you mean by the terms you use: Doing EVERYTHING for the other, and wondering why they don't read your mind about your needs.
Try to figure out what you really mind and don't mind, and communicate this clearly.
If the mate isn't interested, move on.
And be a little more conservative next time.
2007-02-11 14:55:54 · answer #2 · answered by tehabwa 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, take a piece of paper and write down all your good qualities on the left and all his good qualities on the right. How does that look? Often, when we write things down, the emotional part of our decision making does not get in the way so much.
Then, if it still looks like he is worth your time, write down his bad qualities. For each bad quality, try to think of a way not to reward him when he does it again - getting away with it is a reward. For example, you cooked all afternoon and expect him for dinner, but he is out with friends and comes at 9 instead of 7 - don't keep the dinner warm - put it in the garbage and go see a movie. Then make youself unavailable for a few days - be nice and very-very busy - no details, "something came up". Cancel a date a few times.
You need to teach him that his time with you is precious. If he doesn't think that way, you need to move on.
In any case, get a gym membership and meet new people.
2007-02-11 06:55:06 · answer #3 · answered by Snowflake 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Reading this is like day`ja`vu! For me, once upon a time I was treated by an ex like that. He cheated on me, and was two different people, one when around me, and someone opposite when he wasn't.
The best thing that ever happened was the day I realized he was not good for me...
And I didn't allow him to change who I was, I am still the same, a lot stronger but still the same... I met someone who treats me very well, and who yes , I had to stand up to in times past, but now he is a very loving husband after actually 14 years of being married... I forget how long it has been! LOL! But he has been a defining factor in me realizing when and how to stand up for myself... Although there were times he may have contributed in a negative way, of my self esteem, it has been and is a more positive way than ever...
You will pull through, have faith, be strong and know it is OK, to be yourself! Who ever does not value you like a precious and rare gift, then let them go........ But hold onto NO hard feelings of animosity...
2007-02-11 06:22:31 · answer #4 · answered by CJ♥ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are some guys out there that prey on people with those exact qualities because they want someone to step on. If someone is doing that to you, you need to leave. That's the only way to stop it. If you're married to them, you can do the whole counseling thing, but really why ever DATE someone who treats you like that. You're better than that!
2007-02-11 06:03:41 · answer #5 · answered by Brown-eyed girl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being loyal, dependable is kind, is not the same as being easily manipulated.
Loyalty is something that is earned, not something that you brand on another person. If some one is not deserving of your loyalty and kindness, then you walk away.
I'm not going to tell you to stand up and explain your self to this other person, because they obviously don't care. They are taking you for granted. Time to move on.
2007-02-11 05:53:21 · answer #6 · answered by Odindmar 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its not you, its the people who are using these qualities to get what they want....they are not considering the hurt they are causing you. Maybe one day, when people treat you badly enough times you will toughen up and only use the wonderful qualities you have with people who deserve your loyalty and love. There is someone out there with the same values and qualities you speak of, you just havent met him/her yet. You are giving these qualities to the wrong people...you are giving them to the users of this world. Find someone who is not self centred, who cares about you as a person and not what they can get out of you. You need to toughen up and realise there are people in this world who view these qualities you speak of as weaknesses, and in some cases it is a weakness because you allow people to walk all over you. I know this most wonderful man...he has all the qualities you have, but he is absolutely miserable....his wife has used his qualities and walked all over him...he feels like he is in a prison, but he cant bring himself to hurt her feelings. God, the stuff she has put him through would make a "normal" person....a person who values themselves, to have left her the day after he married her. She has the power, only because he has let her. He hasnt stood his ground...he hasnt spoken up and told her that how she treats him is totally unacceptable. He is his own worst enemy actually.....he is too nice, and he is using his wonderful traits with the wrong person...his wife has taken advantage of this guys beautiful nature. He has to learn to value himself more. He needs to know what correct and decent behaviour is all about. He needs to toughen up because if he doesnt then he will be trampled on time and time again. Yes, its wonderful what you are talking about, but without strength and without placing a value on yourself, then this type of thing will continue to happen to you. Its about acceptable behaviour, and if someone around you is not making you happy because of their behaviour, then you need to find the strong part of you and say enough is enough.
2007-02-11 06:07:38 · answer #7 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is a large difference between being kind and being a doormat. Loyalty is earned, and can be revoked when circumstances warrant. You need to be kind, dependable and loyal to YOU.
2007-02-11 05:51:30 · answer #8 · answered by Omni D 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Be Honest and express yourself - Communication is the key to a happy relationship.
2007-02-11 05:53:46 · answer #9 · answered by joedude471 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good question find someone like minded I guess it ain't no fun being used I know.
2007-02-11 05:50:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋