My husband is living in a different state and we are telling our kids that he is working out of town He is living in our former home that did not sell before we moved. He says that I am welcome to move back there but there is alot of dysfuntion he is an alcoholic and his drinking support system is there so I have no desire to move back. but I think that he knows this and this is all part of a plan to build a case to take my children. I have always been with them I am a stay at home mother I do not have any bad habits and they are pretty much my life, but he has made idle threats in the past and I know that he loves his kids so my gut is telling me that he is trying to build a case against me to take them. So my question is What are some things that I need to make sure not to do, that could cause him to win custody?
2007-02-11 05:15:27 · 24 answers · asked by sydphie 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First off, get a job. You will lose custody if you cannot support them or yourself. As long as he is paying for everything, which I'm assuming he is because you state you are a stay at home Mom, he has control over you and your circumstances. Drunks like to be in control of someone and love to threaten to remove your financial security on a whim just to keep you under control. Once you are able to support yourself and your children, which may include moving to more affordable housing, he will lose that control over you and won't be able to make idle threats. Judges are not likely to give custody to drunks unless there is no other way to support the children.
2007-02-11 05:23:09 · answer #1 · answered by Lola 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi,
You should go to a court and get a temporary order of custody. You will eventually going to need formal legal custody which is something that needs to be worked out with your lawyer. Relocation needs to be addressed immediately. Until a custody case exists, you and your husband have equal rights to the children. If your husband has a substance abuse problem, stay in the state you are in currently and send him divorce papers if he refuses to get help for his drinking. Let your children know the truth as soon as possible and explain to them why in very simple terms - "Mommy & Daddy cannot live together. We like eachother, but we do not love eachother like married people do anymore." Let them know they will see their father, too, and talk to them about how you and he both love them. Stay reasonable and straight-forward. Don't discuss Dad's faults. He has every right to see them currently as there is no custody case in the courts. If your husband is an alcoholic a judge will probably grant him very few custody rights to the children. If you feel your husband is setting you up, you may not want to discuss visitation with him just yet. Speak to a lawyer as soon as possible.You need to at least get a legal separation. State laws are all different about where divorce proceedings must be held (are you children in the new school system? How long has it been since you moved?) and how to file the paperwork for separation and/or divorce. The relocation may be a small strike against you only if you do not find a lawyer and begin proceedings immediately. Since your husband is an alcoholic, you already have a basic foundation for not living in the same state. You will probably be awarded custody rather easily and if you are positive you do not to try and work things out with their father (or vice versa), the motions need to be filed very soon.
All the best to you & the kids.
2007-02-11 13:47:30 · answer #2 · answered by Me, Thrice-Baked 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know what state the divorce will be in, but most states have it to where it is almost impossible for the man to get custody unless the mother is a dirt bag (so you shouldn't have to worry if you are in one of those states). The things you shouldn't do (and I am not saying you are doing these) is talk bad about your husband to your children or keep him from seeing or talking to them (unless drunk of course). I would start keeping a journal with dates and times of times he calls or sees the kids. I would right down all the info, good and bad. Like make a note if he sounded drunk, if he threatened you, if he was civil and asked about the kids and wanted to know whats going on with them, if he talked to them and how they were after he talked to them. Don't make it just negative unless it is all just negative. You not moving back to where its easier for him to be a drunk does not make you look bad and neither does you not wanting your children to see that and think its acceptable. I would also start consulting a lawyer and building a case in case he is going to try for primary custody. I'm no lawyer, this is just stuff that was told to people I know by their lawyers when they were going through similar situations. Just don't be leaving your kids with family or sitters the majority of the time (work is one thing, but just to go out is another), don't be drinking and or doing drugs and don't be bringing people around that can be called bad influences. Just keep being a good mother, stay home with them if you arent working at least most of the time (everyone needsd a break every now and then and there is nothing wrong with doing that) and give them a nice, clean and peaceful place to live. I really wouldn't think you would have anything to worry about.
2007-02-11 13:33:22 · answer #3 · answered by HereIAm 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Men like to threaten. I have been thru this already. If you are doing nothing wrong then there is no reason at all for the courts to take the kids. The courts do not want to be in your problems. They will most likely give 50/50 custody because of the kids have the right to be with both parents.
If you are in two different states (which I have done this as well)...the most important thing for you to do is to FILE DIVORCE FIRST. If you file in your state..he will be required to come to court in your state..if he files first..you will be required to go to his state for all court dates. Who ever files first has the better case. You can state in court when you go..the reason why you want the divorce is because he is an alcoholic and you do not want yourself and your kids subjected to it.
Keep a clean life and you'll be fine.
He will threaten alot but remember...a loud barking dog isn't scary until he actualy breaks the skin. Don't let him pin you down and make you scared...You are more powerful and more brave than you think!
2007-02-11 13:22:53 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
His threats are just that...threats. If you are a stay at home mom who makes her children her life, what can he possibly say to make any judge in his right mind give him custody? If he is an alcoholic you can state that fact in court and if you have evidence of it he'll have no grounds to take them. He is probably just trying to hit you where it hurts by threatening to take the most important thing in your life because his life is now so empty because of his own mistakes. Misery loves company so don't let him make you need to walk on eggshells to prove you're a rightful guardian. He's the one who should watch what he's doing. Record his phone calls and keep records of his actions; it will be a good argument against him for custody if your day in court truly arrives.
2007-02-11 13:29:29 · answer #5 · answered by mickeymel9 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As long as your a good mom and can provide for your children, what are you worried about? He would have to turn his life around in order to get custody. The courts will not take children from a good home to give them to a drunk. It is most likely an empty threat so you'll come home. If you are really concerned, contact a lawyer. You can get a free consultation.
2007-02-11 13:26:16 · answer #6 · answered by QT 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First thing that I would do is contact a lawyer and if you cannot afford one then I would go to legal aide. Tell them your story and start building a case against him. Document everything that he is doing and everything that he threatens you with. When he calls let the answering machine pick it up so that he has to leave the messages there and keep those messages have witnesses listen to those messages. The fact that he is an alcoholic will weigh against him in court if it can be proven. Use your resources and get him before he can get you.
2007-02-11 13:23:12 · answer #7 · answered by V H B 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do not get caught dating anyone and divorce him already. Unless you are on crack or something that man won't get the kids no matter how much money he has. Judges are very reluctant to award full custody to fathers. If he's an alcoholic and he's giving you problems just tell your lawyer. He might talk big, but he will be shaking in his pants. Prepare to get half plus child support and alimony.
2007-02-11 13:24:36 · answer #8 · answered by Shock and Awe 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
1st thing is to get a lawyer. don't see anyone at this time(men).
then sit back and he'll have to pay for child support. get a job with daytime hrs only. don't go back to an alcoholic and don't take his calls if hes drunk. make new friends ..other moms...church etc...
know that your doing the right thing. get the kids involved in things like scouts or school activities to keep their minds on something besides mommy and daddy's seperation issues... don't badmouth your ex in front of the kids... these are things I've learned... get a lawyer fast though #1 before he takes you to the cleaners
2007-02-11 13:28:35 · answer #9 · answered by Hi its me again 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stay out of jail and off drugs. Otherwise it is nearly impossible for an alcoholic father to get custody from the mother,
2007-02-11 13:19:35 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋